Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are a family of recent immigrants who have just received their permanent residency permits. While we came to the United States on a temporary assignment, we have grown to love this country and have every intention of staying. It is quite likely that we will become naturalized citizens in the future, but we are, at this moment, citizens of The Netherlands.

We were as shocked and outraged by the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11 as any American, and we would have liked to show our sympathy with the victims and our support of America by flying the stars and stripes.

It is my understanding, however, that one doesn't properly fly the flag of a nation of which one is not a citizen. So as not to offend anybody at a time of tragedy, we decided in the end to display only the Dutch flag at half-staff on the day that was declared a national day of mourning in The Netherlands. We did, however, wear red, white and blue, as those are also the Dutch national colors.

Can you tell us if we acted properly? We would appreciate your advice on proper flag etiquette for the future.

GENTLE READER: It is not uncommon for Miss Manners' Gentle Readers to ask for retroactive judgment on a problem they have already handled, with the explanation that the same situation might arise again. But your reference to future necessity made her blanch.

What you did was respectful to both the United States and your own country, although it is not improper to fly the American flag along with (although never lower than, and always to the right of) another country's flag, as is regularly done in honor of state visitors.

On extraordinary occasions, it is not improper to fly only another country's flag to indicate solidarity in time of crisis. Miss Manners hopes you will not have a future occasion to apply this rule.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a wedding of a distant relative, I had not had the honor of meeting his intended, and I went to the receiving line. When I introduced myself, she sneered and said, "I have heard about you; you work in a library. I know all I need to know about you!" And then she turned away.

As it happens I am administrating a major Internet delivery system at a well-known and respected institution. And I was dressed very well. I went back home and have not had anything to do with them since.

I am planning to buy a house this fall. When I have my housewarming party, must I invite them?

GENTLE READER: No, on several counts:

1. The person in question snubbed you, indicating that she does not want to know you socially.

2. One should avoid putting one's guests in the position of meeting a rude person.

3. A housewarming is not one of those formal occasions where you feel obliged to invite your relatives, regardless of their personal attributes.

However, if you go by this, Miss Manners may never know what on earth that insult meant. She is aware that people have a lot of silly notions about librarians, but hadn't thought any were so excitingly sinful as to inspire a direct cut.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was stunned when I had my family and two adult children over for an informal Sunday evening dinner, and my 60-year-old sister popped a tape in and put her earphones on her head when she sat down at the dinner table. The rest of the family were staring at each other in disbelief. Isn't it incredibly rude behavior to have on earphones at the dinner table?

GENTLE READER: Just because it demonstrates that nothing anyone present says could possibly be worth hearing, and that spending time with you and yours will be boring unless she brings her own entertainment? Well, yes, Miss Manners would say so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents will be celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary, which I think is a great accomplishment compared to the marriage statistics of this day and age. In light of this great event, my brother (who is a recent newlywed) and myself (still single) would like to have a small dinner gathering to celebrate my parents' anniversary at a local restaurant as a surprise.

My brother and I would like to make this event as special as possible, but because of my mother's battle with cancer and unknowable health status by that time, we are unable to plan a large, pre-paid party. Although my mother is only 52, her physicians have given her limited time, and we're unable to make distant time plans for things.

My brother and I are only going to be inviting close family and a few friends, totally no more than 15 to 20 people including us. We want to know what the proper wording would be on the invitations, so as to not offend anyone, but to kindly let them know that we are unable to pay for everyone's dinner tab individually. I'm sure they wouldn't mind paying, but I want to properly inform them of this at the same time as not to offend.

I realize some people may think this to be rude, but to us it is no different than people informing wedding party guests of not allowing children at the wedding in an appropriate way.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is one of those people. There is a huge and crucial difference between deciding whom to invite and deciding who should pay. You do no honor to your parents by risking offending the people they most care about. What a surprise that would be.

Surely the part that would please them most is to have a gathering of their friends, and the lavishness of the meal is incidental. An afternoon tea party is one of the most charming party forms there is, and tea and cake would cost you next to nothing. This would also have the advantages of not unduly tiring your mother, and of being easily postponed if that turned out to be better for her.

But then again, they are your parents, and if you think going to that restaurant is more important than the company, you and your brother -- who were presumably not going to slip your own food costs into other people's bills -- could simply take them out at the same cost without delving into anyone else's money.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a cleaning lady, and I also clean my church. My problem is that when I go to someone's home for a social occasion where I'm invited as a guest, I'm expected to help serve and clean up.

I had one lady hand me a dish towel when I came in, and I was told to wipe off glasses and fix the drinks while she visited with her guests. I don't mind helping, but I think if you are an invited guest, you shouldn't be expected to serve. How can I tell them nicely that I would like to be treated like the others?

GENTLE READER: It is true that Miss Manners is in the business of putting sticky statements nicely, but suddenly she doesn't feel so nice.

What these people are doing is outrageous. This is not helping a friend, as a guest may volunteer -- but not be conscripted -- to do. This is using a social pretext to get your professional services free.

Miss Manners has three suggestions for you, all of them polite but firm statements to deliver in a pleasant manner. Frankly, she is hoping you will choose the third.

1. "Oh, my goodness, I misunderstood; I didn't realize you wanted to hire me for the evening. Let me tell you what I charge."

2. "I'm afraid you had better ask one of the other guests to help. I do this for a living, as you know, and so when I accept an invitation to go out, it's only to relax."

3. "You know, I've been doing this sort of thing all week, and suddenly I find that I'm tired. You will excuse me, but I think I will go home now to rest. Here's your dishtowel. Have a pleasant evening."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a friend of mine I've known since grade school phones me and I say hello, she will quite often say, "Are you all right? You don't sound so good." And then she laughs.

I do not call her anymore because I think she gets a kick from asking me that, then the laugh. I'm always taken aback, because I do not know what to say other than to explain that I feel fine and there's nothing wrong, and I've grown tired of explaining myself. (I did have cancer three years ago, but it's in remission.)

What can I say as a comeback? I thought she would get the message when I quit calling her, but she continues to call me.

GENTLE READER: Could we please assume that the laugh is a nervous laugh? Miss Manners doesn't feel up to dealing with the possibility of its being a shriek of pleasure at presuming to find you ill.

It is still rude to announce to people how they feel, rather than to ask them and wait for the answer, but at least it is not malicious. The cure is to say, "Oh, I'm fine, except that I'm worried about you. Are you all right?" This is not intended as a comeback so much as an opportunity for you to illustrate the point that not all shows of concern are comforting, and to set an example by accepting her answer at face value.

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