DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please tell me if I have been a bad girl. I was ordering lunch at the counter of a local deli when a woman I had not noticed came up behind me after having left her sunglasses on a table on the way in to "claim" it for herself. I obtained my lunch and went to find a table to sit at.

There was only one empty one, and it had a pair of sunglasses laying on it. I sat down anyhow and started to eat. (Am I a bad girl yet?)

After a while, the woman came over and said, "Excuse me, but those are MY glasses!" So I said, "Oh, here," and handed them to her. (Now am I bad?)

Then she said, "Oh, I was saving this table for my party." And I said, "Oh, I would be glad to share the space with you, why don't you join me?" I was pretty nice in my tone and expression. Really. (Now am I bad?)

She insisted that the table was "hers," and I was not welcome there; I don't recall the exact words. At that point, I was suddenly angry, and I gave her a "look." (I was thinking that I would really enjoy beating her to a bloody pulp with my bare hands, and I feel that I am capable of doing so.) The "look" said it all. (Now I know I am bad!)

But she did leave after that, without any further argument. Was I rude, or just assertive?

GENTLE READER: Let's take another look at that look.

OK, your tongue seems to have stayed in your mouth, and your thumb was not resting against your nose. Your words and tone were civil, and your violent fantasies were kept under control. Miss Manners is sorry to disappoint your hopes of being a bad girl, but she only bans people from being rude, not from defending themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 50-year-old woman getting married for the second time in a fairly small ceremony (80) on a boat, but still in the traditional style. My father gave me away 31 years ago, at my first wedding, but I was thinking of having my eldest nephew give me away this time. He and I have always been very close, and I have no children.

Would this be proper? I don't want to hurt my father's feelings, and my mother thinks this is my father's job. I think that if he gave me gave me away once, I have already been given! Help!

GENTLE READER: Did he give you to your nephew? If not, what do you have in mind here? Giving everyone a turn?

Miss Manners is actually quite lenient about retaining the archaic custom that symbolizes the bride's leaving the protection of her father or guardian for that of her husband, now that the chances of its applying to today's bride are slight. Sentiment is sentiment, even if the bride left home long ago, already maintains a household with the bridegroom, and makes more money that he and her father do together.

Once given indeed ought to be enough, but if a second-time bride wishes to repeat it, under the guise of doing it right this time, Miss Manners will not be a spoiler. However, to keep the custom yet fire your father when he is prepared to try again is as silly as it is mean.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are a family of recent immigrants who have just received their permanent residency permits. While we came to the United States on a temporary assignment, we have grown to love this country and have every intention of staying. It is quite likely that we will become naturalized citizens in the future, but we are, at this moment, citizens of The Netherlands.

We were as shocked and outraged by the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11 as any American, and we would have liked to show our sympathy with the victims and our support of America by flying the stars and stripes.

It is my understanding, however, that one doesn't properly fly the flag of a nation of which one is not a citizen. So as not to offend anybody at a time of tragedy, we decided in the end to display only the Dutch flag at half-staff on the day that was declared a national day of mourning in The Netherlands. We did, however, wear red, white and blue, as those are also the Dutch national colors.

Can you tell us if we acted properly? We would appreciate your advice on proper flag etiquette for the future.

GENTLE READER: It is not uncommon for Miss Manners' Gentle Readers to ask for retroactive judgment on a problem they have already handled, with the explanation that the same situation might arise again. But your reference to future necessity made her blanch.

What you did was respectful to both the United States and your own country, although it is not improper to fly the American flag along with (although never lower than, and always to the right of) another country's flag, as is regularly done in honor of state visitors.

On extraordinary occasions, it is not improper to fly only another country's flag to indicate solidarity in time of crisis. Miss Manners hopes you will not have a future occasion to apply this rule.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a wedding of a distant relative, I had not had the honor of meeting his intended, and I went to the receiving line. When I introduced myself, she sneered and said, "I have heard about you; you work in a library. I know all I need to know about you!" And then she turned away.

As it happens I am administrating a major Internet delivery system at a well-known and respected institution. And I was dressed very well. I went back home and have not had anything to do with them since.

I am planning to buy a house this fall. When I have my housewarming party, must I invite them?

GENTLE READER: No, on several counts:

1. The person in question snubbed you, indicating that she does not want to know you socially.

2. One should avoid putting one's guests in the position of meeting a rude person.

3. A housewarming is not one of those formal occasions where you feel obliged to invite your relatives, regardless of their personal attributes.

However, if you go by this, Miss Manners may never know what on earth that insult meant. She is aware that people have a lot of silly notions about librarians, but hadn't thought any were so excitingly sinful as to inspire a direct cut.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was stunned when I had my family and two adult children over for an informal Sunday evening dinner, and my 60-year-old sister popped a tape in and put her earphones on her head when she sat down at the dinner table. The rest of the family were staring at each other in disbelief. Isn't it incredibly rude behavior to have on earphones at the dinner table?

GENTLE READER: Just because it demonstrates that nothing anyone present says could possibly be worth hearing, and that spending time with you and yours will be boring unless she brings her own entertainment? Well, yes, Miss Manners would say so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents will be celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary, which I think is a great accomplishment compared to the marriage statistics of this day and age. In light of this great event, my brother (who is a recent newlywed) and myself (still single) would like to have a small dinner gathering to celebrate my parents' anniversary at a local restaurant as a surprise.

My brother and I would like to make this event as special as possible, but because of my mother's battle with cancer and unknowable health status by that time, we are unable to plan a large, pre-paid party. Although my mother is only 52, her physicians have given her limited time, and we're unable to make distant time plans for things.

My brother and I are only going to be inviting close family and a few friends, totally no more than 15 to 20 people including us. We want to know what the proper wording would be on the invitations, so as to not offend anyone, but to kindly let them know that we are unable to pay for everyone's dinner tab individually. I'm sure they wouldn't mind paying, but I want to properly inform them of this at the same time as not to offend.

I realize some people may think this to be rude, but to us it is no different than people informing wedding party guests of not allowing children at the wedding in an appropriate way.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is one of those people. There is a huge and crucial difference between deciding whom to invite and deciding who should pay. You do no honor to your parents by risking offending the people they most care about. What a surprise that would be.

Surely the part that would please them most is to have a gathering of their friends, and the lavishness of the meal is incidental. An afternoon tea party is one of the most charming party forms there is, and tea and cake would cost you next to nothing. This would also have the advantages of not unduly tiring your mother, and of being easily postponed if that turned out to be better for her.

But then again, they are your parents, and if you think going to that restaurant is more important than the company, you and your brother -- who were presumably not going to slip your own food costs into other people's bills -- could simply take them out at the same cost without delving into anyone else's money.

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