Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently joined the managerial staff in a medium-sized company. Two months ago, my boss explained his holiday "tradition" of having each of us contribute $75 to a holiday gathering for all departmental employees and their spouses. My colleagues, having been through this before, all got out their checkbooks and reflexively handed over the money, planning to write it off on next year's taxes as "professional dues."

I wanted to find out more. When I asked how this kitty would be spent, I learned that we would be gathering at the home of another employee, that trays of various finger foods would be purchased from a local supermarket, and that the rest would be spent on wine and beer ("Good beer, ya know, good beer") and a maid service to clean up the host's home after the party (despite the fact that a sign-up sheet to do this had been posted at work and at least three employees had volunteered).

Miss Manners, I don't mind forking over $5 or $10 to help with a holiday spread at the office, but for $75, I expect something like a catered buffet and live entertainment. Moreover, I don't feel that I owe the department a holiday party, and I think that a lot of money is being wasted here. I don't know several of the employees who work evenings and nights, and I haven't even met some of them. I feel that my boss is using his status to extort money from his subordinates to host HIS party. If he wants to do so, I say let him pay for it.

When I gave my boss my regrets that I wouldn't be able to attend the gathering, he replied, "Well, in past years, even if somebody couldn't come, they paid anyway." I am not a freeloader, and I indeed did not attend, but my boss just asked me for the second time since the party when I would be paying my share, and I am furious.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners hates to rush the season, but it's time to get ready for next year's party.

See if you can build an informal consensus, not only of managers but among the staff, for giving everyone an afternoon off in honor of the holiday, instead of a party that intrudes on time they might otherwise spend with their families and friends. You may need to show your good faith by paying this year's blackmail, but it will be worth it. You would be doing everyone a favor.

However, it might be enough just to tell your boss your plan to find out whether this might work better. As he realizes that the cost of time off will come from the business itself, he may be very ready to tell you to forget about the $75.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don't drink wine and rarely serve it. My niece's French husband found it strange -- impolite? -- that when he brought me a bottle of wine, I didn't open it immediately. Other times, guests bring wine to a dinner party, and one bottle would not serve everyone. Must I open and share it?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners does not blame your nephew-in-law for finding this habit strange, not because he is French -- and is more likely to have been taught to bring flowers -- but because it is silly.

Of course you can't use one bottle for a lot of guests, which is why it is not a good present to hand over before dinner. The polite host accepts such a present gracefully and puts it aside, saying, "Thank you, I will think of you when we enjoy this."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My elderly mother enjoys participating in the social activities at her senior living complex. In addition to weekly card games and coffee klatches, they also have seasonal brunches, lunches and dinners. As you might imagine, the same people attend these events time after time.

Mom is a great cook who likes to make "special" dishes to take to the informal gatherings and potlucks. When everyone else is bringing fruit pies, she takes a chocolate cake.

A voracious reader, she collects recipes from a wide variety of sources. As time goes on, she finds it difficult to stand in the kitchen for long periods of time, forcing her to seek out recipes that do no not require lengthy preparation. Because she assiduously tests recipes, she always comes up with a winner.

People frequently ask her for the recipe. Being the gentle soul she is, Mom complies. One neighbor has taken a dish made from Mom's special recipe six times to these community events, and another resident was insistent that Mom share a recipe. Mom feels she must drop these from her potluck repertoire.

Don't they realize they're stealing Mom's thunder? It not only hurts her feelings, it forces her to research and test new recipes. At age 90, Mom would like to slow down a bit. Is there a polite way to decline to share recipes with these folks?

Please, no reminders about imitation being the most sincere form of flattery.

GENTLE READER: Whether or not the flattery is sincere, it is obviously effective. Miss Manners considers it high time to teach your mother to resist flattery and say no politely, or there's no telling what trouble she might get into at her senior living complex.

Flattery is best fought with flattery. If your mother smiles coyly and says warmly, "No, no, it's a secret I'll never tell because I want you to keep coming back to me for more," it may not be sincere, either, but it should be irresistible.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I purchased an electronic appliance for a family member as a Christmas gift. As with many modern products, the price the store posts and advertises is the net price I will have paid after I successfully receive my manufacturer's rebate.

After giving the gift, I hate to look like a cheapskate and anxiously ask the recipient to break the shrink-wrap so I can cut out the bar code and send away for a cash rebate. But I also do not want to be another statistic, feeding the corporate fat cats who know very well that a fraction of customers will never send in to get their own money back. Can you shed any light on the dilemma?

GENTLE READER: Rather than shedding light on capitalistic warfare, Miss Manners would prefer to solve the problem. If the bar code is on the shrink wrap, cut it out and cover the hole with a Christmas sticker. If it is inside, re-wrap the present, buying shrink wrap for the purpose if you are afraid the company will not otherwise accept a return from the recipient.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law and father-in-law are divorced but still live in the same city, about a ten hours drive away from us.

We have three small children (seven, two and one), and when we visit, each parent wants equal time. My father-in-law has a very large home where we have one bedroom and a bathroom of our own and the children have an adjoining bedroom. In case you're unaware, people with small children have an enormous amount of "baggage" to bring along (diapers, portable cribs, bibs, tippy-cups, wipees, medicine, plus).

When we are staying at my mother-in-law's house, she has us sleep in the living room sofa downstairs and all three children in an upstairs bedroom. Her house is filled with antiques and not child friendly. The children are constantly being told to "don't touch." Besides the mere discomfort, the packing and unpacking is simply impractical.

We do not favor one parent over the other, but continuing to move from one house to the other on short visits is annoying. To ask her if we can sleep at her ex's house but still give her "her equal time" is an option, but my husband fears she will be extremely upset and make our visit unbearable. Should we tolerate the shuffling, or is there a nice way to approach this?

GENTLE READER: There are nice ways, but Miss Manners doesn't promise that they will satisfy competitive parents. It is possible that nothing will.

A point to avoid making is that your father-in-law provides your family with more space -- not unless you want to listen to the financial history of their marriage and divorce.

Rather, you should tell your mother-in-law that her house is so lovely, with its many beautiful and delicate furnishings, that you live in fear that one of your children will break something. They are good children (you will say apologetically), but too young to remember to keep their hands to themselves all the time, and you want them to be able to appreciate the beauty of her taste when they are older.

As your mother-in-law is constantly telling them not to touch anything, you may be sure that this will strike her as a reasonable fear. You could then ask her to help you find a solution. Is there an affordable place you could take nearby? Would it be better to alternate years so that you could spend the first of a 10-day stay with her, putting away her priceless things, and the last day helping her put them back where they belong?

Or -- should you use the father-in-law's house as a hotel during her time so that you can spend long, carefree days with her?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend who is very generous when it comes to giving me gifts, despite her meager financial budget, has a habit of leaving on the price tag or somehow making a point of telling me how much money she spent. It's as if she were buying my friendship, which is totally unnecessary, since we have been friends for years, even long before we ever exchanged a gift. Sometimes I wonder if she is doing this to make me feel like I owe her a more expensive gift in return. Should I say something to her or ignore the subject?

GENTLE READER: How about "Oops, you left the price tag on," as you remove it and hand it back unseen? Or replying, "It's worth so much more to me than that because it's you who gave it to me"?

That way, your friend gets credit without your having to use your credit card. And you and Miss Manners will both be spared the unpleasant task of analyzing motives.

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