Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On behalf of myself and body-pierced and/or tattooed individuals everywhere, I'm writing to see if you can help me craft an appropriate response to rude comments and inquiries about my nose ring, brightly colored forearm and other nontraditional bodily decorations.

I am, of course, aware that one who chooses to groom himself with the aid of colored inks, needles and large pieces of metal must expect a certain amount of attention from segments of society for whom such adornments are considered unusual. But I always thought that etiquette required observations about another's appearance to be complimentary -- or left unvoiced.

I cannot count the number of times I have been greeted with unpleasant comments from strangers, acquaintances and friends alike. I have learned to accept the conversational gambit, "Wow, didn't that hurt?" as one of those innocuous, semantically null phrases that are used to lubricate social intercourse.

But reactions of outright hostility are just as common, and I would prefer to meet them with a polite but pithy response rather than making apologies for my choice of adornment. I have often employed the phrase, "I'll take that as the compliment I'm sure you intended it to be," but I don't trust myself not to sound at least a little flip when I say it. Your assistance in concocting a slightly less snide turn of phrase would be greatly appreciated.

GENTLE READER: Not as much as Miss Manners appreciates your determination to answer rude remarks politely, without running the risk of sounding flip or snide. She assures you that the response you have been using is within the bounds of courtesy, even if it is intended to constitute a rebuke, although it must be delivered blandly. It is also more effective that way, so you might want to practice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a volunteer teacher in a professional training program, and one of my students has the unfortunate habit of slithering herself into my arms, caressing me, throwing herself upon me and hanging herself on my neck as we converse in order to make a point.

It's not a sexual advance, as far as I can tell, since we are of the same gender, and she is happily married. It's just something she does, I assume, to people that she feels affection for, and I find it immensely distasteful.

I have debated various ways of handling her advances, such as firmly and not very gently removing her arms, stepping way, way back as I sense the moment about to occur, or just coming out and telling her that I am uncomfortable with her being so physically intimate with me. None of these seems exactly right. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I need her to stop. Please help!

GENTLE READER: Whether or not your virtue is at stake, Miss Manners fears for your teaching career. And it isn't even the possibility of legal problems that could arise from harassment or favoritism issues that frighten her the most.

It is your lack of authority over a student who is clearly undermining your professional position by casting you as her intimate, and never mind the reason. Yet you find yourself so paralyzed that you cannot even pull away or offer the pitiful argument that you are "uncomfortable" with this, as if it were a failing of yours.

If it hurts her feelings to be told to stop this outrageous manipulation of your feelings, so be it. It is a valuable lesson, and you are there to teach.

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Halloween is the one holiday that everyone ought to be able to handle.

Those others -- national, religious and individual -- are all too much, as Miss Manners is informed annually by disgruntled celebrants. According to this holiday crowd, days that are designated to be meaningful or merry present outrageous demands and create unrealistic expectations. Those who participate complain that they are irritated and bored. Those who are left out complain that they are bitter and depressed.

It seems a waste to give these folks a day off.

But Halloween has become immensely popular without benefit of social pressure, or even a day off. Apparently, it works for great numbers of grownups.

Miss Manners is guessing that this might be because the social skills involved are ones that they have been practicing diligently all year. Nor does it hurt that Halloween is remarkable for an absence of duties.

On most holidays, you are supposed to be nice, not only in general, but even to people you know. You are supposed to have good feelings -- gratitude, piety, concern for those who are homeless and warmth toward a house full of children who are underfoot. You are supposed to take pleasure in other people's good fortune and take action to correct others' misfortune.

You are supposed to get together with -- of all the incompatible people -- those you call your loved ones. On top of that, you are supposed to remember your friends on their birthdays, wedding days, anniversaries and other occasions on which they grab all the attention.

Often, there is an implicit demand that you dress up, which means taking the trouble to find a piece of clothing that isn't already on the chair from being worn the day before, and to struggle into it. This has come to be considered an outrageous demand, if not a breech of our sacred freedom.

Many holidays have set menus, which may have items that you dislike or of which you disapprove. If you are not pressured to cook any of this, you are certainly pressured to consume it under the watchful eyes of the people who did, because of another pesky requirement that everyone eat at the same time, regardless of when they happen to feel like it.

You are expected to give and give and give. Charities always seem to put on the pressure just when you are also expected to produce presents for just about everyone you've ever met, and the tedium of shopping is relieved only by spotting new things you want for yourself.

It all adds up to a lot of trouble and disappointment.

Halloween is different.

You get to dress up, even making your own costume. Instead of the hypocrisy of acting as if you were a better person than you are, you can pretend to be someone else entirely.

It doesn't matter with whom you celebrate, because they're all in disguise. The menu consists of a steady diet of candy. Rather than getting presents for others and faking pleasure at what they choose for you, you go around getting what you want by begging and threatening. And the idea is not to meet others' expectations, but to shock them.

Miss Manners doesn't grudge Halloween celebrants their pleasures. She only wishes these were more of a holiday novelty.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper dress for school?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners knows a loaded question when she sees one.

You have already heard what your parents consider to be proper dress for school. You have already heard what the school considers proper dress. And you have seen what your most daring classmates consider proper dress.

Miss Manners is sorry to inform you that proper school dress is what your parents and teachers deem proper dress, modified by whatever you can manage to do to it that they fail to notice.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: It ruffles me to get a missive that says words to the effect of, "I'm stealing time from doing better things" or "I'm writing just a quick note," etc. What's so pressing that you have time for "just a quick note" to me?

GENTLE READER: Stern duty and the rigors of life are keeping these people from the pleasure in which they would prefer to indulge, which is to spend the day writing to you. Or so Miss Manners suggests that you believe.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I seldom go out to dinner because I am an aspiring chef, have moonlighted in restaurants, and can cook meals just as good as you can get out! Still, every now and then, I enjoy a break away from the stove and cleanup, so there are a few nice places we go to occasionally.

These restaurants are not five-star places by any means, but they are not pizza joints, either. I'm talking about a typical BYOB that's well appointed with linens and such. What irks me is how people come dressed, and more so that many people, men and women both, think it's OK to wear a hat or baseball cap while dining.

A few weeks ago, at one of our favorite places, four women met for dinner. One wore nurse's scrubs, and two wore workout clothes, with their sports bras exposed through their tank top armholes.

By spring, I hope to have my own little bistro/restaurant (God willing). I want to post a conspicuous sign at the entrance that reads "Gentlemen, Please Remove Your Hats While Dining With Us," and I would like to post "proper attire required" to avoid "scrubs" and "workout clothes." I've come to grips with the fact that I may not be able to prevent men from wearing shorts (although I find hairy legs and knobby knees repugnant when I try to enjoy my food).

I was raised in a home where you had to have a shirt on at the table, and no hats -- ever. Still, to this day, I remove my cap even if I'm at a burger joint or having a hot dog and beer at a fast food place. Maybe I'm the opposite extreme, but it's ingrained in my mind, and I get agitated when I see people dine with hats on like it's a permanent fixture of their head.

My wife thinks I should just relax and not let all this bother me, and she says that if I start making up all these "rules" I'd have no customers, and a new upstart business needs all the customers it can get, and that as long as their money is green, that's all that matters. But I really want to have a respectable establishment where patrons can enjoy pleasant surroundings and that looks refined, without it being a full-fledged "jacket required" place.

What is your opinion on what I propose? Has society just rolled into this "come-as-you-are" mentality? Is it a lost cause? Should I heed my wife's words and turn a blind eye?

GENTLE READER: Rather than join you in the tempting pastime of deploring modern society, Miss Manners prefers to point out that it contains a lot of people and it needs a lot of restaurants.

It needs ones where nurses in their scrubs can get a good meal during their break, and ones where the knobby-kneed can air their legs. (But it already has plenty of places where people can eat wearing baseball caps: They are called stadiums.)

It also needs calm and decorous surroundings where you, Miss Manners -- and perhaps the nurses and knobby-kneed when they are on other schedules and in different moods -- can eat in an atmosphere that we find pleasant. At the moment, there is a dearth of those. Miss Manners looks forward to hearing that you have provided one.

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