Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will soon be having weight loss surgery, and my stomach will be able to hold less during each meal than it used to. What would be the proper thing to do and say when dining out? Should I order my own meal and waste most of it? Would it be a mistake for my spouse to order his dinner and ask for an extra plate?

What should I say when our server asks for my order? If the server starts giving me the "specials" and the "what's good here" speech, what should I say? I do not feel that my surgery status would be anyone's business but my own.

I can't ask for a doggy bag, either. We do not have any pets to enjoy it, and I do not like leftovers.

GENTLE READER: But do you like suggestions? If so, you could ask the server for a helping of those.

As Miss Manners understands it, even though restaurants sell food, they generally refrain from force-feeding their patrons. You could order an appetizer or request something light, which sounds ladylike, without pleading changes in the dimensions of your stomach, which doesn't.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was, until recently, dating a very nice young woman whose old-world manners, strong moral character and ravishing good looks made her a primary contender for marriage. (I had hoped to me.)

With hindsight, she seems to have been giving me signals for some time that she wished the relationship dissolved. One of the primary signs was the condition of her house, which was, need I say, filthy.

Now, of course, all of us are not tidy by nature, nor should we attempt to squeeze our loved ones into our preferences. However, it seemed like a bare minimum of cleaning (throwing away scraps of food on the table, sweeping occasionally and clearing the dinner table of piles of advertising circulars) would have shown her desire to make me happy and somewhat at ease.

I attempted addressing the issue in as polite a form as I could and was responded to with several expletives and something along the lines of "You can't tell me what to do with my house!" Now, this is true, I suppose -- her house is her own, and she may take care of it in any way she deems fit, however, mustn't we make some accommodations for our significant others? Was I out of line in asking her to be a bit more tidy?

GENTLE READER: Would Miss Manners be a bit out of line in mentioning that your account of this situation is something of a mess?

We do not call hurling expletives, no matter how provoked, to be "old-world manners." And your question about whether one must make housekeeping accommodations for significant others is moot here, as you had already noticed signals that you were an insignificant other.

Surely it would be foolhardy of either of you to continue such a disillusioning situation. But for future reference, one does not evaluate someone else's housekeeping habits except in the context of merging households.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On behalf of myself and body-pierced and/or tattooed individuals everywhere, I'm writing to see if you can help me craft an appropriate response to rude comments and inquiries about my nose ring, brightly colored forearm and other nontraditional bodily decorations.

I am, of course, aware that one who chooses to groom himself with the aid of colored inks, needles and large pieces of metal must expect a certain amount of attention from segments of society for whom such adornments are considered unusual. But I always thought that etiquette required observations about another's appearance to be complimentary -- or left unvoiced.

I cannot count the number of times I have been greeted with unpleasant comments from strangers, acquaintances and friends alike. I have learned to accept the conversational gambit, "Wow, didn't that hurt?" as one of those innocuous, semantically null phrases that are used to lubricate social intercourse.

But reactions of outright hostility are just as common, and I would prefer to meet them with a polite but pithy response rather than making apologies for my choice of adornment. I have often employed the phrase, "I'll take that as the compliment I'm sure you intended it to be," but I don't trust myself not to sound at least a little flip when I say it. Your assistance in concocting a slightly less snide turn of phrase would be greatly appreciated.

GENTLE READER: Not as much as Miss Manners appreciates your determination to answer rude remarks politely, without running the risk of sounding flip or snide. She assures you that the response you have been using is within the bounds of courtesy, even if it is intended to constitute a rebuke, although it must be delivered blandly. It is also more effective that way, so you might want to practice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a volunteer teacher in a professional training program, and one of my students has the unfortunate habit of slithering herself into my arms, caressing me, throwing herself upon me and hanging herself on my neck as we converse in order to make a point.

It's not a sexual advance, as far as I can tell, since we are of the same gender, and she is happily married. It's just something she does, I assume, to people that she feels affection for, and I find it immensely distasteful.

I have debated various ways of handling her advances, such as firmly and not very gently removing her arms, stepping way, way back as I sense the moment about to occur, or just coming out and telling her that I am uncomfortable with her being so physically intimate with me. None of these seems exactly right. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I need her to stop. Please help!

GENTLE READER: Whether or not your virtue is at stake, Miss Manners fears for your teaching career. And it isn't even the possibility of legal problems that could arise from harassment or favoritism issues that frighten her the most.

It is your lack of authority over a student who is clearly undermining your professional position by casting you as her intimate, and never mind the reason. Yet you find yourself so paralyzed that you cannot even pull away or offer the pitiful argument that you are "uncomfortable" with this, as if it were a failing of yours.

If it hurts her feelings to be told to stop this outrageous manipulation of your feelings, so be it. It is a valuable lesson, and you are there to teach.

:

Halloween is the one holiday that everyone ought to be able to handle.

Those others -- national, religious and individual -- are all too much, as Miss Manners is informed annually by disgruntled celebrants. According to this holiday crowd, days that are designated to be meaningful or merry present outrageous demands and create unrealistic expectations. Those who participate complain that they are irritated and bored. Those who are left out complain that they are bitter and depressed.

It seems a waste to give these folks a day off.

But Halloween has become immensely popular without benefit of social pressure, or even a day off. Apparently, it works for great numbers of grownups.

Miss Manners is guessing that this might be because the social skills involved are ones that they have been practicing diligently all year. Nor does it hurt that Halloween is remarkable for an absence of duties.

On most holidays, you are supposed to be nice, not only in general, but even to people you know. You are supposed to have good feelings -- gratitude, piety, concern for those who are homeless and warmth toward a house full of children who are underfoot. You are supposed to take pleasure in other people's good fortune and take action to correct others' misfortune.

You are supposed to get together with -- of all the incompatible people -- those you call your loved ones. On top of that, you are supposed to remember your friends on their birthdays, wedding days, anniversaries and other occasions on which they grab all the attention.

Often, there is an implicit demand that you dress up, which means taking the trouble to find a piece of clothing that isn't already on the chair from being worn the day before, and to struggle into it. This has come to be considered an outrageous demand, if not a breech of our sacred freedom.

Many holidays have set menus, which may have items that you dislike or of which you disapprove. If you are not pressured to cook any of this, you are certainly pressured to consume it under the watchful eyes of the people who did, because of another pesky requirement that everyone eat at the same time, regardless of when they happen to feel like it.

You are expected to give and give and give. Charities always seem to put on the pressure just when you are also expected to produce presents for just about everyone you've ever met, and the tedium of shopping is relieved only by spotting new things you want for yourself.

It all adds up to a lot of trouble and disappointment.

Halloween is different.

You get to dress up, even making your own costume. Instead of the hypocrisy of acting as if you were a better person than you are, you can pretend to be someone else entirely.

It doesn't matter with whom you celebrate, because they're all in disguise. The menu consists of a steady diet of candy. Rather than getting presents for others and faking pleasure at what they choose for you, you go around getting what you want by begging and threatening. And the idea is not to meet others' expectations, but to shock them.

Miss Manners doesn't grudge Halloween celebrants their pleasures. She only wishes these were more of a holiday novelty.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper dress for school?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners knows a loaded question when she sees one.

You have already heard what your parents consider to be proper dress for school. You have already heard what the school considers proper dress. And you have seen what your most daring classmates consider proper dress.

Miss Manners is sorry to inform you that proper school dress is what your parents and teachers deem proper dress, modified by whatever you can manage to do to it that they fail to notice.

: