Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work at a student activities center at a university. Our students tend to be of the very serious type, so much so that the university created the activity center for the express purpose of getting our students out of the library/lab/classroom and into more social, communal settings.

We run activities during the day, but there are hours in the mornings and evenings when not much is happening. Invariably, some students have gotten into the habit of coming in at those off-times to study. Then, when other students come in to socialize, which is the rightful use of the space, they get "shushed" by the studiers.

We as staff face a few dilemmas here: How to politely intervene in this exchange that did not involve us directly? How to politely remind the studiers that the university provides libraries in which one can expect quiet space, but the student activities center is not one of them?

And, finally, how to let the socializers know that they do not have to stop socializing just because a studier "shushed" them? We do not want to alienate anyone in this situation, but we also do not want to allow the studiers to co-opt the activity center.

GENTLE READER: Which school is this? Miss Manners has an urge rather like a pedestrian who has spotted a parking space and therefore wants to run and buy a car. She wants to gather up every child she can find and make them all enroll.

Meanwhile, you should be quietly approaching those scholars to say, "You might be happier studying in the library. This is a social center, and so of course there is bound to be noise."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance is a real Texan all the way down to his boots, and that's where the problem comes in. He wants me to have a pair of "good" boots, but everything I like he doesn't and vice versa.

After searching for a year, I found a pair that I fell in love with. While the $200-plus price tag is a bit more than I would care to spend, I realize a good pair of boots will be expensive, and I decided to bite the bullet and spring for them.

Now my sweetie decides he'd like to buy me the pair of boots, knowing I had found something I fancied. When he asked "How much?" I told him.

He promptly exploded, "OH, GOOD GOSH!" (This is from a man who has paid much more for boots for himself). I never expected him to buy the boots for me and I said so.

Then he starts apologizing and says he wants to buy them for me. I flatly refused, explaining that I could never enjoy wearing something that he so obviously thought was more than he wished to spend.

Now he's upset with me. How could I have better responded?

GENTLE READER: You did fine; you're just not finished. The next step is for you to tell Sweetie there that this is part of your trousseau that you are bringing to the marriage, and he will have plenty of opportunity later to buy you what he thinks suitable, and that you want him to be proud of you wearing beautiful boots, and so on.

Please excuse Miss Manners from taking part in this treacle; she just wants you to know that it is necessary. Single gentlemen harbor strange illusions about ladies' upkeep, and one exclamation followed by an apology is a reasonable indication that now he knows.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it in bad taste to use the word "death" in condolence notes?

I seem to have reached the stage of life in which the occasion to write such notes arises with increasing frequency, and I am uncomfortable with euphemisms like "passed on," or "passing," and even with "loss," which always makes me think of Lady Bracknell in "The Importance of Being Earnest," who tells Jack Worthing that having lost both his parents looks like carelessness.

A death is a terrible loss. Is it wrong to name it when expressing sympathy? Many other people seem to prefer the euphemisms. Will I add to the pain of the bereaved if I write that I am sorry about the death of a loved one?

GENTLE READER: As fond as Miss Manners is of Lady Bracknell, the dear lady was not known for her tact. Propriety, yes, but that is something else. Lady Bracknell did not knock herself out to ingratiate herself with orphans.

It is true that the word "death" has been considered too harsh for the newly bereaved, although the stalwart mourners of the past did not flinch from the reality of death. One might also imagine that modern society, which freely uses death in its graphic forms of popular entertainment, would also be inured to the word.

Nevertheless, it is easily avoided. And although euphemisms should not be universally scorned, as delicacy often spares feelings, you need not resort to them.

Condolence letters are supposed to focus on reminiscing about the deceased (would you rather Miss Manners say "of the corpse"?) and sympathizing with the survivors. It is unnecessary to point out that the person has died, because the recipient of the letter already knows.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbor is selling his suite, and has asked my boyfriend (who lives with me) to move his 15-year-old car around the corner because my neighbor thinks it's an "eyesore" and "belongs on a reservation." (The car is in good driving condition, it is just rusty on one side.) My neighbor doesn't want potential buyers to see the car parked out front, along with the rest of the residents' vehicles.

We live in an urban area of the city, with a wide variety of income levels in the neighborhood, and in fact, on our own street. This is certainly not the most ritzy area of town; if everyone else can accept the economic reality of where we live, shouldn't my neighbor cool his heels? Am I wrong to feel totally offended by his request?

GENTLE READER: Yes; you should be amused. Either it is shameful to have an old car, in which case you would feel offended at his drawing attention to your boyfriend's, or it is ludicrous to think so.

Miss Manners is amazed at the naivete of your neighbor, who is apparently unaware that the really rich often drive cars such as yours. She advises agreeing to his request, but first asking him if he is sure that this will mean giving prospective buyers the impression that the residents are too poor to afford servants.

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Gouging for tips is getting ever more aggressive. Even the generous among Miss Manners' Gentle Readers complain of feeling hounded.

Tip jars and saucers have appeared everywhere, from counters where pre-wrapped fast food is handed directly to customers, to private events where hosts who are paying the hired staff a service charge and tips on top of it little suspect that their guests are being targeted as well.

People on the receiving end are franker about stating the size they expect those tips to be and using embarrassment to pressure tippers into giving more. A particularly insidious technique in vogue now is to refrain from offering change and then loudly asking whether the customer "wants" it, as if taking it would be a breach of manners. One Gentle Reader reports being asked if he wanted change after submitting a $100 bill for a $40 meal.

Those in positions that were never associated with tipping, notably the owners of establishments such as restaurants and hairdressing salons, are letting it be known that they would be far from offended by being treated like their employees when it comes to tipping.

Holiday collections are initiated by the would-be recipients, who are often not shy about announcing what is expected. Those who used to be tipped annually, such as newspaper deliverers, have added a line for tips on their monthly bills as well.

"I'm at my wits end with the number of people expecting tips," writes one G.R. "I know they deliberately underpay waiters and waitresses, so I don't mind leaving 15 percent (though I do mind that the standard, I've recently been informed, has become 20 percent). I don't like it -- why don't their employers just raise the prices that much and actually PAY them, so at least customers could make a reasonable budgeting decision upon ordering? -- but I don't object.

"But on deliveries, I'm already being charged an extra fee. Why am I tipping on top of it? Maintenance workers are paid as well as I am, but I'm told that the reason my previous apartment was always in disrepair was that clearly I wasn't tipping the company's workers and it was revenge. Isn't that why I was paying a ridiculous rent in the first place?

"Hairdressers? Please! They already overcharge, given that I usually just want a shampoo and a very basic trim. Bellboys? Cabbies? Homeless men who decide to employ themselves opening doors without being asked? (I always say, "Thank you, sir," of course, but I don't expect a doorman at 7-Eleven and am not going to pay for one.)

"The situation is totally out of control. I can't seem to budget for a day out because I never know how many people are going to expect a handout along the way. I was chastised for being 'un-American' because I'm not willing to give people money for doing their jobs, but it was always my understanding that paying an agreed-upon fee was paying for services rendered.

"It's not as if the services are cheap, or I'm a member of some idly rich class that can afford to just throw money around to show my largesse. Is there any way at all to stop this trend? Or should I just put a tip jar out on my desk at work to cover the tips I'm supposed to be giving everyone else?"

Miss Manners can comfort you only by reporting that it is the custom of tipping that is historically un-American, as American workers at all levels of employment used to consider themselves too dignified to accept tips.

Alas, the custom is now built into the pay scale of many jobs, and ignoring it would cut into the wages of those who can least afford it. For the others -- those who have simply decided to trade their dignity for handouts -- Miss Manners gives you full leave to refuse to succumb.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work at a small company that just hired a new truck driver to make our deliveries. This man always invades my personal space. Is there a way to kindly tell him to back off?

GENTLE READER: Impound his truck?

Wait, for a minute there, Miss Manners thought he was taking your parking space. If he is standing too close to you or hovering over your desk, it is you who back up or turn your chair away saying, "Would you excuse me, please? I have work to do."

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