Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm sure you are aware of how many young African-American teens greet each other with a certain racial slur. I am an African-American man whose two fine sons tell me this is OK because they are both of the same race.

I say it is offensive no matter what. When anyone uses this term in my home, they must leave. I will personally escort them out and take them back home if I need to.

This is fine for my son's friends, but recently I had a friend from work come over for dinner and use this term to greet my sons. I calmly told him that was not allowed and he would have to leave. He did, and we haven't spoken since.

Did I do the right thing? My wife is so embarrassed and said I shouldn't have said anything. My sons say I did the right thing, and are happy that I treated my friend the same way I have treated their friends. Was I rude? What should I have done?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is with you in considering this slur unacceptable no matter who says it. She is with you in refusing to tolerate its being used in your house. She is with you in your policy of treating your sons' guests and your guests alike.

But she will not accompany you as you approach your door with guests in tow.

Ejecting a guest from your house is the severest permissible punishment you can inflict. As you discovered, it entirely severs the relationship. Your sons may be able to patch up their friendships using the child's privilege of blaming parents, but any cordiality you had with your children's friends is also broken.

Had any of these people meant to be insulting, such action would have been justified and the break-ups welcomed.

But, even in criminal court, motivation is taken into consideration in rendering judgment. As your sons have explained, the word is not uncommonly used by those of the same race, sometimes with the explanation that this takes the sting out of it.

Now, wait. Miss Manners has already said that she agrees that it is nevertheless unacceptable and that you shouldn't have to put up with it in your house. But it would have been sufficient for you to say, "We don't use that word in this house." If a guest then argued, or failed to apologize, that would be the time to expel him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have never been able to find any information on renewing the wedding vowels.

I am not referring to a 40th or 50th reunion. I just went to a bridal shower and a white-gown affair for a couple married two years ago in a courthouse. I can understand wanting to re-do it in a church, but a bridal shower? Another gift for the wedding and a money-dance at the reception? RSVPs were mailed to the already-a-bride.

Am I old fashioned, or is Miss Manners gasping also? What are the etiquette rules?

GENTLE READER: Forgive Miss Manners for skewering you with a simple typographical error, but "wedding vowels" is right. Ooo! and Aaaa! is what your friends had in mind: sounds they wished you to make in admiration of them and to inspire them to make when they receive your successive presents.

You should have declined the invitations. However, it may help you to know that presents are not traditionally considered obligatory for a second wedding -- even, perhaps especially, if the second wedding is a repeat of the first.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does a young lady sit properly on an old, bumpy, wobbly and rusty seat without a back and at an unconventional height? The stool about which I inquire is approximately 3 feet off the ground and has a bar around its legs approximately 8 inches above the ground. Ought I to simply place one foot on the bar and tuck the other leg behind it? I ask because it seems that when I attempt to sit properly on such a stool in my Auto Tech class I make quite a spectacle of myself and I am sure that someday I shall most certainly fall off.

GENTLE READER: "It's all in the posture," said the lady in the derby hat who was conducting a master class in riding sidesaddle that Miss Manners took in a moment of madness. "If you fall off, it's your own fault."

Never mind. Miss Manners suddenly remembers that when she asked the instructor what keeps a lady's high silk hat on as she is tearing sidesaddle through the woods and over fences, the reply was, "Her veil." You probably don't even wear a veil to Auto Tech class.

Miss Manners' point -- now that you have given up hope that she has one -- is that some seats are never really safe, high wobbly stools and horses among them. Your only hope is to maintain a posture that creates its own balance and position yourself for a comparatively safe landing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbor and I are having elderly-parent problems. Every Sunday night, she and her family take her mother out to eat. The mother really enjoys these outings, but recently has become more difficult. She returns food as bad, cold or not what she ordered. She criticizes service loudly. This charming lady is becoming an embarrassment. Besides leaving a huge tip, how does one smooth over these difficulties?

My father has started using terrible language and racial epitaphs. He is in a skilled nursing unit of a retirement complex and bedfast. Words and gestures he would never have tolerated from his children are becoming the norm. The people who care for him and his guests are subjected to this daily.

My mother is spending most of her time in his room trying to smooth things over, but he will not be quieted or deviated. His condition will probably not change, but how to deal with those he has insulted?

Our parents are obviously not going to change. How does one handle this?

GENTLE READER: Sadly, life has come full cycle here, and you are caring for them as they cared for you -- except that instead of the joy they had in watching you learn, you must watch them forget. That they should forget even the basic decencies that they taught you is particularly tragic.

Miss Manners is afraid that you must do for them in their post-courtesy stage what they did to mitigate your effect on others when you were in your pre-courtesy stage. Out of your parents' hearing, you should apologize profusely, explain that they are not themselves and do not mean what they say, and express your sympathy and gratitude. And, yes, tips and praise to workers' supervisors are good ways to show that you realize those who are nevertheless good to them are working under difficult circumstances.

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"What should I get you?"

"What can I bring?"

"Is there anything I can do?"

Such open-ended generosity has the odd effect of creating consternation -- but only, Miss Manners has observed, among polite people. Anyone else sees only that relatives, friends and acquaintances are coming forward, of their own free will, to offer presents, contributions and services, so eager to please that they are asking the beneficiaries to dictate the specifics.

Blank checks!

Yet cashing them would require the well-mannered to violate modesty, hospitality and a reluctance to impose upon others. So they murmur bashfully:

"Oh, please don't get me anything -- really, I have everything I could possibly want."

"Just bring yourselves."

"No, no, we're fine, thanks. I promise I'll call if we need any help."

Miss Manners notices that people who are unencumbered by those pesky virtues have no such trouble. Instead of shilly-shallying around, they answer the questions at face value:

"What I really need now is not a lot of stuff, but help in paying off some debts."

"Why don't you make those fancy hors d'oeuvres you had at your party? Or, if you don't have time, you could just bring the liquor. It'll be for somewhere between 30 and 50 people."

"Well, the house is a mess, and with everything going on, I just haven't been in the mood to clean it."

It's not that they don't have an urge to be kind to people who are so ready to serve them. It is just that the form this takes is different. People who do not practice social reciprocity (because even these tasks might reasonably be begged of someone for whom one performs comparable ones) argue that they are doing their would-be benefactors a favor by taking them at their word. If those people didn't enjoy giving and serving, they wouldn't have asked. As an added delicacy, this saves the benefactors the onerous task of guessing how best to serve, and the embarrassment of guessing wrong.

If this weren't consideration enough, many would-be beneficiaries are now also saving others the trouble of volunteering by listing demands -- whether directly or through Web sites, gift registries and notations on invitations -- without waiting to be asked.

This is not good for the etiquette business.

It is all very smart to sneer at the notion that it is the thought that counts, brazenly declaring that no, it's the take that counts. But the whole symbolic basis of exchanging presents, hospitality and favors refers to our longing to be noticed thoughtfully by others.

True, the possibility of error is always there, which is why etiquette allows thoughtfulness to be assisted by sneaky tactics.

If observation fails to suggest what presents might be welcome, it is fair to ask people who are in a better position to observe. So if you don't know what to get your faraway nephew, you ask his parents what his current interests are and whether there is a particular item they might suggest.

Guests are not expected to contribute to other people's dinner parties, so if they want to bring something, it should be flowers, candy or some treat that can be enjoyed by the hosts later.

To offer a service, one should name something specific, such as "There'll be a lot of people calling to ask about the funeral -- let me stay and answer the telephone" or "I can take the dog while you're in the hospital" or "I'd like to drop off some meals you can just heat."

If all of these are rejected, it becomes possible to say, in a tone of fond exasperation, "Well, I want to do something, so you'll have to tell me what." Only then can the polite beneficiary admit defeat and say, "Well, if you really insist..."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When on an airplane, where is the proper place to change a baby's diaper? A bathroom, seat area, or ???

GENTLE READER: Where is "???"?

The cockpit is locked these days, so that is out of the question. Miss Manners will do you the courtesy of assuming that you do not have your eye on the galley from which food is served.

This leaves the seat area, which would disgust everyone for rows around you, and the bathroom, which would then be tied up as others are waiting to use it. The latter is definitely the lesser of the evils. Other passengers may be able to find another bathroom, but they cannot disembark from a cabin that you have turned into one.

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