DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are you aware the use of word "lady" is sexist? One reason is that it refers to prostitution. I cringe when I hear congresspersons use the word ("congresslady," etc.).

I am also disenchanted when I see it from your readers and you don't point out the sexist connotation of the word. I believe you have used this term before and that got me to wonder if you have used it in addressing women.

I was not aware that it was a sexist word until I attended a business management class called "Women in Management." It was one of the best courses I have ever attended. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That it did a fine job of spreading sexism. Have you ever noticed how titles for females that start out as forms of respect, such as "mistress" and "madam," pick up smutty connotations, while the equivalent male ones, like "mister" and "sir," remain dignified?

Your attempt to besmirch the word "lady" suggests that you are no gentleman.

"Lady" and "gentleman" are used in place of "woman" and "man" when there is the intent to indicate respect, as when a speaker addresses his audience as "ladies and gentlemen," or refinement, as when the point is made that a certain person is "a real lady" or "always a gentleman."

Miss Manners, like Congress, keeps using it to encourage a high level of behavior even when it seems unlikely. She is not going to stop.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Thanksgiving was held at my sister's home with all the family. Most of the people there were disappointed in the preparation of the mashed potatoes and gravy. My sister decided since she was dieting, everyone would have to eat them that way.

I feel this is rude. I think she should also have had these foods made the natural way for people who did not want to eat diet versions.

When mentioning it to my sister, she didn't think she was rude at all, after all it's "her house" and she can do what she wants. I don't feel she has the right to make dieting decisions for others because she is dieting. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That it is not the mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes, however bad they may be, never rise to the dignity of being one of life's major disappointments.

Goodness knows that Miss Manners is used to hearing people use nonsensical pretexts for squabbling while claiming that they are only interested in upholding etiquette. There is no other explanation for the etiquette hysteria of people involved in weddings, when they show no previous or subsequent interest in the subject.

And that is another occasion of which it is often claimed that one person can do whatever she wants to do.

That is never quite right. The hostess should exercise her taste in doing the planning, but it should take into consideration what might please her guests. Guests are sometimes grateful that everything is not as fattening as possible, and you have not convinced Miss Manners that your sister knowingly palmed off something she knew would displease.

Nor have you told Miss Manners what the antagonism between you is really about.

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It's not just less blessed to receive, a sizeable minority of Miss Manners' Gentle Readers claim. It's a downright nuisance.

While she is kept busy chastising the greedy for their blatant demands, the background hums with G.R. grumbles:

-- "My home has slowly become totally cluttered and overrun with a vast array of crafty, cutesy, tasteless decorative items and accessories given as gifts. I am running out of room, I no longer enjoy the way my home looks, and gift-giving season is upon us."

-- "For years now, my aunt has persisted in giving me bath oils and salts, chocolates and new-age music. I am allergic to chocolates and perfumes, and I find nature recordings and new-age music generally irritating."

-- "My husband and I boycott items manufactured in a certain country, because these places are notorious for the ill use of their workers, many of whom are underage. We also try to instill in our daughter that Christmas is about love and family and charity and kindness by doing volunteer work and making donations. But every year, we end up at my husband's parents' house and his family gives her far more gifts than she needs, many of them from the precise country we boycott."

-- "My brother decided to present to all his siblings a contribution in their name to a certain charity, unfortunately selecting a charitable organization that my wife and I do not support. Indeed, we oppose its mission and goals, and greatly suspect its management of incompetence, at the very least. My brother knows, as well as he knows his own name, how my wife and I feel about this organization."

-- "We live in a small apartment and have two garbage bags full of stuffed animals already. I have tried to get it across to both sides of the family that the children don't need any more -- I have even suggested storage units as gifts -- and only one person got the hint."

-- "My brother is a minister. Our religious views differ sharply. Each holiday season, he gives my two young children numerous gifts such as books, videos and puzzles, with overly religious messages, which I perceive as an attempt to influence the religious views of my children. I don't want my brother to give them any more such items."

As all of these people swear that they accept graciously whatever they are handed and try not to look crestfallen, Miss Manners is slightly abashed. The gift registry, the gift certificate and gifts of cash would also solve their problems as much as those of the ungraciously greedy.

Miss Manners does not waver in her opposition to the solution of eliminating the elements of thought, symbolism and surprise from presents, and having people simply pay one another for getting through the holidays. But she is feeling responsible for the consequences. What about all that awful, unwanted stuff?

Here is the polite procedure for minimizing the damage.

Hints are in order in advance ("Check out my Web site" is not a hint), as are mutually negotiated deals, such as, "There are so many of us now, why don't we agree to get presents just for the children?"

When those fail, as Gentle Readers testify they so often do, the polite recipient protects the donor from knowing the present was a failure. Thanks, and no complaints. To refuse a present is a high insult, and that includes asking the donor to go exchange it.

However -- here comes the relief -- the donor is equally bound to silence, which means that the present does not have to be used or displayed. (Exceptions are wise when the donor is beloved and close at hand, but these are voluntary.)

This leaves room for returning, giving to charity and re-gifting, none of which is rude if the rule is strictly observed about protecting the donor from knowing. This requires fresh wrappings and logs of who gave what, and a ban on yard sales and re-gifting anywhere near the donor.

And, most of all, it requires an attitude of "I didn't really expect to make a profit on Christmas anyway."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was approached by the sister of a young man (they both work at a local establishment that my husband and I frequent) who was expressing her wish to purchase a rather expensive Christmas present for her brother. Not knowing this girl very well, I told her that it was a very nice gift, but far more than I could ever afford, even for my own husband.

Her response? "Well, I thought I would take donations from everyone here at the restaurant (myself included). That way, I wouldn't have to bear the brunt of the whole thing."

I was FLOORED, and would like to know how to politely respond with "not a chance" when asked for a contribution.

GENTLE READER: "That's very generous, but wouldn't it be too much of a financial burden for you? Because, of course, then you'd be obliged to help all of us buy what we'd like to give."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Once you've loaned a book, or someone has loaned you a book, what is the appropriate length of time for returning it? I'm not talking about a $6 paperback; I would not expect that to be returned to me (although I'd probably return it if I were the "loanee"). I'm talking about your average $25-$35 hardback. And then, is it appropriate to ask for it back after that length of time has passed?

GENTLE READER: The time to get the book back is when the borrower no longer mentions the book, either with literary pronouncements or with the excuse of being about to get to it any day now. It is then that you know it is on its way to being no longer considered yours. In the first instance, Miss Manners recommends saying, "If you're finished with it, I'll take it back," and in the second, "Why don't I take it back now, in case I need it, and you'll let me know when you have time."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am writing to ask advice about the proper way to respond to family gossip.

I come from a large extended family that gathers semi-yearly with great uncles, second cousins, third cousins twice removed, etc. My mother maintains regular contact with her aunts and first cousins; whereas we of the younger generation only see each other at the occasional family get-togethers.

My question has to do with the proper way to acknowledge news that passes through the family grapevine. My mother will often tell me somebody's son has bought a house or become divorced, their daughter has gotten engaged, gone back to college, taken ill or had a miscarriage. I would like to express my congratulations or concern on these occasions, but since I have limited contact and have not heard directly from the person, I find it awkward.

What do you believe would be an appropriate manner of addressing these situations?

GENTLE READER: By e-mail.

As the great proponent of handwritten letters, Miss Manners hopes she isn't causing shock or disillusionment. But she never said that e-mail wasn't vitally useful -- just not for everything. Responses to formal announcements and to written letters need to be answered in kind.

The grapevine is not a formal means of communication. It may not even be an authorized one, which is why you don't respond to anything that might not have been intended for broadcast and phrase everything else tentatively. So "I hear you bought a house" and "Are congratulations in order?" are warm messages; "Sorry you got ditched again" is not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last holiday season, I sent two friends of mine individual greeting cards, one addressed to "Mr. Smith" and one to "Mr. Jones." Then they got married.

I have never had to respond to the niceties of a same-sex marriage before this, and I find myself rather confused. Should I continue to send individual cards or should I send one card to Mr. & Mr. Smith-Jones? Or is there some other option that just isn't coming to mind?

I wish to be respectful, and they have been my friends since high school, but I just don't know what to do.

GENTLE READER: Wish them happy holidays. Miss Manners assures you that this is not as hard as it seems, and it also applies to opposite sex couples at the same address, if the lady has not changed her name.

Unless they have informed you that they have adopted a joint surname, you should address them by their proper names, but with one card.

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