DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there such thing as "interline dating etiquette," or would that be an oxymoron? I confess that I am new to the genre, but here is my dilemma (and it is not an isolated situation).

I have had several pleasant phone conversations with a man who is an articulate and pleasant professional; we have a lot in common, and have exchanged photos. He suggested we meet at 7:30 p.m. (my dinner hour) on a Friday night. He lives 45 minutes away and will drive to my city after work. Considering the time, I assumed this meant the evening meal, and asked what type of restaurants he prefers so I could arrange a meeting place; he said he was suggesting a drink, "possibly" dinner.

I am a bit put off by this. I see some logic in foregoing dinner if we don't feel a connection. I also feel as two adults who enjoy one another's conversation that we could pass an enjoyable hour over dinner regardless of any attraction (or lack thereof). Frankly, I am a bit uneasy with the notion that I am to be "on trial" over drinks, and will be honored with his company for dinner only if I pass muster; otherwise I will be summarily dismissed prior to any meal! This reeks a bit too much of the cattle auction for me -- check her teeth, and then, if she looks like a good breeder, pony up the funds for feed!

Maybe that's just how it's done in these days of Internet dating, or maybe I'm old-fashioned, or both. Am I being too picky in feeling that a gentleman and a lady out on a date should both be able to commit to graciously dine together (and that this makes a much more appropriate "date" than wine on an empty stomach, as dinner, after all, "might" be in the offing), regardless of whether there is a Grand Attraction? Am I missing something here?

GENTLE READER: Yes, and Miss Manners would have thought she would be the last person in the world to explain it to you.

She can at least assure you that your problem is not being old-fashioned. If that were the case, you would not be meeting strangers with the purpose of frankly checking each other over as possible candidates for romance. If the cow were as free and eager to choose a farmer as the farmer is the cow, then "cattle auction" would be an apt term.

However, the modern form recognizes that it is harder to choose a romantic partner, and therefore the convention is to keep the initial time commitment to a minimum. Your prospect is already putting an hour and a half driving time into it.

Perhaps if you stop thinking of it as a date and think of it as an interview, you will realize that you cannot expect this encounter to observe the time-consuming niceties of courtship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate behavior to clip your fingernails at work? There are no offices or doors.

GENTLE READER: And no bathrooms?

Even if there are, working conditions must be dreadful. If your workday is so long that your fingernails grow out during the course of it, Miss Manners suggests that you spend that time looking for another job.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: During a business trip, I was invited to the home of a colleague for dinner. To my delight, his wife was a lovely woman who greeted me warmly in flawless English with just a hint of her native Italy accenting a couple of words. Before I could relate the fact that I speak Italian fluently, my hosts engaged in a private conversation completely in Italian!

The substance of the conversation made it impossible for me to confess that I had understood every word -- including some that remarked on my overall attractiveness despite a bottom that could be somewhat smaller -- without risking extreme embarrassment and shame to my otherwise gracious hosts. Yet I felt more than just a twinge of guilt that I did not let on that I understood what they assumed was their private language.

I was hoping that as time passes, and their memories of that evening fade, I could then share that I know the language so that if I ever do visit again they'll know not to risk such behavior -- but without a clear memory of whether they had behaved inappropriately in my previous visit. Please tell me what I should have done under the circumstances.

GENTLE READER: You must really have liked those comments about your attractiveness. Here you are, bless you, worrying about delicacy toward people who had committed three acts of rudeness toward you when you had scarcely walked in the door.

Holding any private conversation in front of a guest is rude, and when it involves sizing up his, ah, never mind, while he is standing there, it is even ruder. It is also rude to assume that it is safe to do so because you could not possibly speak a non-uncommon foreign language.

Miss Manners would have advised making the point on the spot by saying politely, in Italian, "It is good to know that I have your approval." She would hope that they would then have had the sense to laugh through their well-deserved embarrassment, apologize profusely and then quickly change the conversation to complimenting your Italian.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have hosted several parties where my adult male friends have not only left the toilet seat up after using the bathroom, but have left urine on the toilet as well as on the floor in front of the toilet. The women are disgusted with the inconsideration. I am planning another gathering soon. Would it be rude for me to place a small note in the bathroom asking my male guests to clean up after themselves and to put the seat back down?

GENTLE READER: When you feel you have to beg your guests to observe the ordinary rules of decent and sanitary behavior, you should be editing your guest list instead of making signs. Scofflaws are not suddenly riveted into politeness by signs.

When you feel you have to beg them to observe this particular nicety, Miss Manners suggests you also edit your menu, perhaps to offer more food and less drink.

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Say something nice; make someone feel bad.

Miss Manners would have thought this a difficult combination to pull off. Insults are easy and, she regrets to say, plentiful. There is general agreement about what constitutes a negative attribute, and the insulter has only to name it. As reinforcement, there is the sneer with which insults are delivered.

But compliments that leave their targets miffed and their givers bewildered are also plentiful. They just require a bit more thoughtlessness.

Guessing about the situation being admired is almost a sure method:

"I see you're pregnant -- congratulations!"

"What an adorable child. You must be the proud grandfather."

"Is that your girlfriend?"

"I bet you're the smartest one in your class."

"You must be making a fortune to afford that."

Almost as effective is asking:

"Your hair is such a beautiful color. Is it dyed?"

"Where'd you get that darling baby? He doesn't look anything like you."

"Wow, your performance was amazing. Do they check for steroids?"

"I bet all the boys are after you -- so how come you're not married yet?"

Other comments that are intended to pass for compliments backfire because they are based on erroneous ideas of shared assumptions.

Gentlemen have had a hard time getting over the notion that all ladies liked to be praised for their looks and clothes, by anyone and under any circumstances. Their wives and daughters appreciate this, so why do ladies at work -- or strangers on the street -- take offense at being similarly appraised, so long as the judgment is favorable?

Ladies have a hard time believing that other ladies do not want their weight favorably appraised. Being told that they have lost weight is no delight for people who have illnesses they don't care to discuss, thought they looked all right before or just don't like the idea of being monitored.

Both genders have trouble believing that there is anyone over the age of 18 who is not flattered to be taken for someone younger, however unbelievably. Professionals are told they look too young to hold their jobs, parents that they are too young to have children of the age that they clearly do, partners that one of them is too young for the other, and the elderly that they couldn't possibly be the age they claim.

Another general belief is that everyone is proud of his or her shopping skills and financial resources, so that approving comments on possessions are always in order, and may be followed by "Where'd you get that?" and "How much was it?"

Finally, there is the assumption that it is satisfying to arouse envy. This accounts for the number of people who believe that it is a compliment to mention good fortune and then say, "and I hate you."

All these people plead that they are "just trying to be nice," which is what Miss Manners keeps urging them to do. Perhaps she forgot to specify that it should be the kind of niceness that does not leave others feeling worse.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On only a few days notice, I was married in February to a wonderful woman. Having not had time to properly invite friends and family to our nuptials, and since we already had been living together for 14 years, we didn't expect to receive gifts.

Nevertheless, we did receive many wonderful cards and calls of congratulations, and a few relatives did send us thoughtful gifts. Of course we promptly wrote them thank-you notes and telephoned them to show our sincere appreciation. Unfortunately, a decision by the California Supreme Court voided our marriage, along with the marriages of approximately 4,000 other same-gender couples.

What is the proper etiquette with respect to keeping or returning these special gifts now that the court has forced us to untie the knot?

GENTLE READER: Wedding presents may be properly accepted during the couple's engagement, and need only be returned if they no longer wish to be married. You have, after all, met Miss Manners' basic and non-negotiable requirement: You wrote thank-you letters.

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