Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few years ago, I decided to change my life by joining a gym, and since then, I have become progressively more interested in health and fitness. I've also lost about 10 pounds and feel wonderful.

I want to help people by sharing with them how hard it was for me to reach my goals, while explaining to them that if I can do it, they can, too. I also want to set a good example for others by practicing self-control. However, I don't want to show off or make people feel badly about their own choices.

Next time an overweight friend confides that she doesn't know why she can't lose weight, while she chugs down a double mocha latte, should I bite my tongue, or should I point out the obvious?

Next time a gracious person encourages me to try a calorie-laden dessert, should I take some and discreetly not eat it, or should I politely decline while explaining that those sorts of foods are no longer part of my diet?

Next time someone compliments my shoulders while complaining about their own, should I just say "thank you" or should I discuss the benefits of weightlifting in addition to cardio?

I only want to help those who are interested, but I also don't think I should have to be "in the closet" about being healthy.

GENTLE READER: Now that you are happy with your weight, Miss Manners would think you would be delighted to be in the closet. Isn't it packed with favorite outfits that you can now wear again?

Anyway, you are making the common error of believing that the only place for you other than the closet is a soapbox.

Thick or thin, you are still bound by the etiquette rule against haranguing people, especially those who are gracious enough to offer you treats and compliments.

Your only opportunity to "share" is to reply to inquiries from overweight friends actively seeking advice. Miss Manners assures you that they already know which foods are fattening; what they want to know is how to avoid the temptation of eating them anyway.

Wait -- there is one more thing you can do. You say that you want to set a good example by practicing self-control. Miss Manners suggests you do this by enjoying your own success while minding your own business.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My maid of honor is going to be throwing me a shower. Is it proper for me to be at the shower when my guests arrive and greet them, or am I, as the bride, supposed to be fashionably late?

GENTLE READER: There is no such thing as fashionably late, as you will realize if your bridegroom is not waiting at the altar when you get there.

Unless it is a surprise party, in which case you would not be asking Miss Manners the question, the guest of honor should be there to greet the guests.

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"No, dear, it was a Tuesday, not a Sunday. I remember that, because there was snow predicted, and I left work early. And it wasn't just three men we saw; there was a woman there, too.

"You didn't actually say 'I bet this is a crime about to happen.' When you saw they'd left their car practically on the sidewalk and were having a huddled conversation, you said, 'There's something strange about those guys.'

"We didn't see it on television that night. You were in the bathroom and I heard something on the radio about a holdup at the mall, but by the time we put on the news, they were talking to witnesses and we couldn't be sure it was the same group we saw. Only we think so."

Conversational Helper, as Miss Manners calls it, is one reason that it is a bad idea to seat couples within earshot of each other at dinner parties. Some would say it is a reason why it is a bad idea to get married.

Miss Manners emphatically endorses the former premise and disputes the latter. It is no fun to be corrected, and that vivid detail about being in the bathroom deserves a special mention award. But that is a habit that can be, ah, corrected.

Knowing each other's stories -- background, shared experiences and other conversational material -- is otherwise one of the great benefits of marriage. It makes people feel loved for themselves, as opposed to for whatever counterfactual impressions they might be able to create. They can indulge in reminiscences without having to supply the background. They have a double repertory for use when the other person is not around. And as they grow older, they can use each other as reference resources about their own lives.

But they have to learn the difference between being a prompter and being a fact checker.

Correcting one's spouse in public is not a charming thing to do. And Conversational Helper not only interrupts and embarrasses the speaking spouse; it annoys the listeners. They couldn't care less whether it was Sunday or Tuesday, as long as they don't have to listen to that being made into a dispute.

Besides, embroidery is what makes factual reporting into conversation. Experience must be given form and colorful details, and bits of exactitude may get lost along the way.

Improving the dialogue is considered fair, because it makes the story more interesting. Being able to add a bit of drama to the narrative, instead of making it sound like directions being read from a can, is counted a plus.

This is not to say that spouses cannot be of social assistance to each other. They can prompt delicately when the speaker's own version of the story has been botched, supplying an essential factor that was omitted or a forgotten punch line.

And they can look charmed when hearing a slightly mangled story told yet once again.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbor claims it is correct etiquette to personally pay for travel expenses of family to attend a memorial service for her deceased husband. Can this possibly be true?

GENTLE READER: No, it is not. You have a neighbor who is either exceptionally generous or exceptionally gullible.

If she has offered to pay travel expenses so that relatives who could not otherwise afford it can attend her husband's memorial service, it is the former, although she should not generalize to expect others to do the same. If the relatives have led her to believe that they expect her to pick up their bills as a reward for attending, Miss Manners is afraid that it is the latter.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law volunteered to host the family Thanksgiving dinner last year. In prior years, when hosted by me, my sister or my mother, the host would provide the meal and accept (only if asked) an offering of a special dish, a favorite dessert, etc.

When inquiring to my sister-in-law to see if I could bring my sweet potato casserole or other complementary dish, she asked me to bring all of the vegetables, including mashed and sweet potatoes, corn pudding, green beans, cranberry sauce and salad. She asked my mother to bring desserts (pies, cake, ice cream, whipped cream) and coffee. My sister was ordered to bring appetizers, rolls, corn bread and drinks (including wine and coffee). The host would provide the turkey, stuffing, plates and utensils.

We were caught off-guard last year by the potluck arrangement, but agreed to it in the spirit of family harmony. My sister-in-law loved it, however, and has asked to make it a tradition at their house.

We can always say our tradition is to rotate it from house to house, but how should one respond to a request in which one has previously replied yes to a dinner invitation and is later asked to provide a substantial portion of the dinner?

Is this the new standard for dinner invitations? Is this OK because it's family?

GENTLE READER: A cooperative family holiday is only OK if everyone concerned knowingly agrees to it. Last year, as you realized, you were stuck. Miss Manners assures you that this does not mean that you are stuck for life.

Now is the time for you to announce, with your mother and sister's pre-arranged backing, that you feel like doing Thanksgiving this year, and that your sister-in-law is not to think of bringing anything, as you want her to enjoy a work-free holiday. It is not necessary to argue tradition and counter-tradition in order to do something as gracious as insisting that you want to entertain the family.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are a group of people, including couples and widows, whose ages range from 65 to 80. There are times when some of us may be invited to a function, while others may not.

We are aware of the two faux pas: Don't ask someone if they've been invited and don't ask the hostess whom they invited. We understand the severity of the first case; however, by not asking the hostess, we find that we cannot share the cost of a gift, or offer a ride to someone who might need it.

Frankly, it sometimes causes embarrassment to come to a function and find that your best friend is there and they could have been included in the gift or been given a ride. We have come to the conclusion that, because of our circumstances, we should ignore "don't ask the hostess who has been invited" and ask.

GENTLE READER: Why disobey etiquette rules when Miss Manners can so easily tweak them to get you the desired result? You cannot properly ask the hostess for her guest list, but you can quite properly ask her, "Is there anyone who lives near me, as I might need a ride?" As she probably has not memorized everyone's address, this will prompt her to recite the list anyway.

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