Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am always polite when co-workers with whom I am not friends say "What are you doing for the weekend (holiday, Christmas, Easter, etc.)?" Sometimes I say, "Nothing special" or "I haven't decided yet," but what I want to say is "None of your business" or "Why do you ask?"

Why are these people interested in what I am doing? I have absolutely no interest in their lives! My friends (and I do have some at work) either know what I'm doing because we've discussed it, or they know not to ask. Any boss I've ever had would never be so intrusive, nor would I to them.

How do I convey to these people that I find their questions annoying and intrusive so that they will stop asking?

And while we're on the subject, "How was your weekend?" is annoying as well. I don't care how their weekend was, so why should they care about mine? This one is easier to handle, however. I just say "Fine, thanks" and leave it at that.

GENTLE READER: And they don't say, "Fine in what way? Where were you? What did you do? What's the full story here?"

No, because Miss Manners doubts that they are burning with curiosity about your weekends and holidays. Asking is merely a polite convention. If you doubt this, try giving a detailed description of how you went to the grocery store, watched a DVD, had coffee with a neighbor, thought about exercising but never got around to it and so on. See if they hang on your every word.

Your "Fine, thanks" works. The equivalent, when asked for your plans would be something like, "Relaxing, I hope" or "I don't know, I have so much to do, I don't know where to start." There is no need to register annoyance at a mere show of politeness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am no longer clear on what is the appropriate etiquette regarding periods of mourning. A close friend's mother died the day before Thanksgiving. While she had been ill for some time, her passing was rather more sudden than anyone expected, I believe.

Now the holiday season is upon us. I know it would be inappropriate to issue invitations to my friend for large gatherings. At the same time, I don't wish him to feel excluded or abandoned. Would it be appropriate to invite him to small dinners?

GENTLE READER: The reason you are not clear on this is that the situation is no longer clear. Since the demise of formal mourning, which specified the period of time that one did not go out socially, the bereaved all decide for themselves.

Thus it is equally possible to upset them by inviting them, as if had nothing happened, and by not inviting them, as if you have abandoned them. Miss Manners recommends asking your friend if he feels up to attending a party or if he would prefer a quiet dinner. If he is not venturing out socially yet, it would be kind of you to propose paying him a visit during the holidays -- a private one at which he can unburden himself without others present -- so that he is not left entirely alone.

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"You're not paying attention to me!"

As an accusation made by a parent, lover, teacher or boss, this used to be a serious charge. It led to the following pithy exchange:

"I was, too."

"Then what did I just say?"

"That I wasn't paying attention."

"No, before that."

"Before that?"

"Yes, before that."

"Don't you remember?"

"I'm asking if you do." But by this time, the accuser didn't remember exactly, either, and so the original discourse was resumed with the understanding that the wool-gatherer was on notice to look alert.

As this system worked fairly well, Miss Manners is astonished that parents, teachers, lovers and bosses now seem to be admitting defeat. At meetings and in classrooms, restrictions against using telephones and personal keyboard devices are being eased. Parents and lovers who used to express outrage at those who so much as diverted their gaze are more likely to say wearily, "Oh, go ahead," when told, "Let me just check my messages."

Why should their children, students, partners and employees pay attention when in possession of electronic alternatives? Those who are ignored may not put it that way, but they concede that modern distractions are more formidable than previous ones, which were limited to the solitary pursuits of doodling and daydreaming or the social ones of whispering and eye-rolling.

Miss Manners is puzzled at this acceptance of being snubbed to one's face. There is hardly a more direct insult than the demonstration that anything -- even a solitary game, or an unknown messenger -- would be better than having to endure listening to what is being said.

Acquiescence on the part of the speaker strikes her as evidence of a lack of confidence -- but of a sort that should not be confused with desirable humility. The society having accepted the idea that nothing is worthwhile unless it is entertaining, people are naturally worried about their ratings. Why wasn't the parental lecture or the classroom exercise so enthralling as to hold its audience spellbound?

The argument that banning electronic distractions is un-enforceable speaks to the same misplaced insecurity. Relatives and others with mere personal ties have been imbued with the idea that nothing is more important than work, the neglect of which would have dire consequences, so the necessity of keeping up with work trumps any claims they may have. Meanwhile, bosses and teachers have been imbued with the idea that nothing is more important than family, who are likely to suffer dire consequences unless they are permitted to keep in constant touch.

Whether any of the slighted individuals is worth anyone's attention, Miss Manners cannot say. Statistically, she would guess that the chances of real-life talk being at a higher level than most e-mail and voicemail is pretty good.

But she can and does say that it is rude to ignore someone who is present in favor of someone who is not. Unless it is out of consideration to give that person a chance to check his or her own messages in the hope of finding more interesting company.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On an RSVP there is a request to reply by a certain date. Under this line there is line to write my name, but the line always starts with a pre-printed "M." What is the purpose of this and how is it to be used? I would really appreciate an answer.

GENTLE READER: So would the hosts, to the extent that they have all but written it out for you. In a generous burst of erroneous formality, they have even provided the first letter of your presumed honorific, Mr., Mrs., Miss, Ms. (there must not be any physicians, countesses or lieutenants on their list) or some combination thereof. In a less charitable mood, they threatened you with a deadline.

Personally, Miss Manners answers formal invitations correctly, with her own little hand. But all you have to do to use the card is to add what letters you like to the "M" and add your name.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Each year I have a holiday cocktail party for friends and neighbors. I spend a large amount of time planning, shopping and cooking for this event and I thoroughly enjoy the whole process. I have never complained about how much work it is, the mess, the cost, etc., because I like to entertain. I cook everything from scratch and take great pride in doing so.

The problem is people who bring food even after I politely decline their request of "just tell me what I can bring." One year, it was plates of under-cooked cookies, another it was two extra-large cheesecakes from a bakery.

I only serve foods that do not require the use of a fork because of the logistics of holding the glass, dish, utensil, and napkin and trying not to spill. I was very embarrassed as I explained that I could not serve the cake because I was not prepared with enough utensils for the 50 people in attendance.

What am I supposed to do with this food? What do I say to people who show up with items I am in no way prepared to serve? Am I not entertaining correctly? When I am invited out, I bring a non-food item as a gift for the host to enjoy later.

At this point, I am debating whether or not to host a gathering this year.

GENTLE READER: Oh, don't close down just because your guests are bringing awkward offerings. Why, you could give two parties: your customary one, which sounds charming, and another with the leftovers.

Miss Manners has noted with dismay that the habit of bringing food to a party arose at the same time that acknowledgement of the obligation to reciprocate hospitality declined. The excuse is that it isn't fair to have one person do all the work -- but it is fair when everyone takes a turn, and handing over a dish or a bottle is no substitute.

You should not feel that you have to serve what is brought, or even make an excuse for not doing so. Consider it to be a hostess present only. The phrase you need is, "Oh, thank you, we'll look forward to enjoying this."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband passed away just after last year's holidays, in January. There are some people I hear from very seldom, but definitely at Christmas. First, is it proper for me to send holiday greetings when I have been widowed less than a year? Second, how do I inform others of his passing?

It doesn't seem proper to just write inside the card (if I'm sending it) but I wondered if I should have a small card or note to include with the Christmas greeting that informs them of my husband's passing.

GENTLE READER: You may certainly be in touch with your acquaintance at Christmas, and you should absolutely let them know about your husband. But that is the reverse order of importance.

A Christmas card is not the proper means by which to announce a death. Even a religious one announces itself as primarily celebratory. Miss Manners recommends that, this year, you write plain notes telling your sad news and wishing your friends the best.

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