Miss Manners^®

If you are looking for a small, manageable New Year's resolution that doesn't interfere with dinner, Miss Manners may be able to help. Thanks to her Gentle Readers, she is unnecessarily well acquainted with a variety of common habits that should be unlearned for the sake of community harmony.

These are not sinful pleasures, the sacrifice of which would cast a pall on previously exciting lives. They are the little quirks and tics that people hardly realize they have, but are nevertheless stunningly effective at driving others mad.

It is the maddened who report them to Miss Manners. She is warned that if the person in the next cubicle, or in the next seat at the symphony subscription, or at the opposite seat at the dinner table, keeps doing whatever it is, mayhem will follow.

Some cases in point:

"I have a co-worker who constantly, all day long, yawns very loudly. So loudly that you can hear her clear across the office. Some have said she sounds like a dying moose."

"A man in my book club keeps tapping his foot while others talk. We all like him otherwise, but none of us can stand it anymore."

"I work as a teller in a busy bank. One of the other tellers is constantly humming, even while waiting on customers. It is really annoying for everyone who works near her, and the subject has been mentioned several times between other associates and even managers. Some customers have mentioned it, as well, saying 'You must be in a church choir.' She says yes, and goes right on humming."

"Our friends are mostly educated, successful professionals, yet many of them have atrocious table manners. Despite my best efforts, I loathe and cannot overlook one end-of-meal activity that seems to have become quite acceptable these days -- that of picking one's teeth in public after a meal in a restaurant."

"One of my colleagues blows his nose while eating in the lunchroom and doesn't wash his hands. Nobody wants to eat when he is in the lunchroom."

"A woman I work with keeps popping her chewing gum -- every day, all day. As I've heard, popping is for fireworks, not gum -- especially in an office area."

"I'm engaged to the perfect man, except for one thing. We can be having a perfectly nice conversation at a perfectly nice dinner, and then he starts pointing his fork at me to emphasize what he's saying. Sometimes his knife. I've been ignoring it, but I'm afraid some day I'll grab the knife away and use it on him."

These reports are accompanied by a confession of reluctance to mention the transgression, other than the occasional ineffective "hint," because it is so trivial. The risk of annoying the annoyer, who can then point out the triviality of the offense, is also a factor.

Miss Manners therefore proposes that a bit of self-examination and control would be in order. If you have observed shudders from those close to you and can trace them to some such habit, you may be able to make a resolution that will contribute to the peace of the world. Or at least that of your colleagues and family.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A Christmas card I received from a friend included a wedding announcement stating that he got married last February. On the bottom of the wedding announcement, he conveniently let me know where he was registered. Am I obligated to send a gift? Is this a little tacky?

GENTLE READER: Tacky? When he refrained from demanding a Christmas present? Miss Manners is guessing that you missed his birthday as well, and he seems to have been too delicate to point that out.

Presents are properly sent at the volition of the giver, not at the demand of the would-be recipient. How you react to beggars is also up to you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the workplace, I find myself feeling increasingly disconnected from fellow workers who seem to operate under the precise opposite of my beliefs on proper business behavior.

I've grown up with a rather exaggerated hourglass figure, and have learned to avoid tight clothes for aesthetic reasons. Finding flattering clothes can be a chore, but I've always thought it to be a necessary one. Conversely, they are obviously putting less and less effort into their clothing, as gaps between buttons and too-tight shirts that reveal every line of their undergarments are daily sights. Professional dress should be the norm, not the exception, but displaying it has made me seem the prude of the office. (And in my early 20s, at that!)

Yet again, simple logic doesn't seem to hold, for it's the women who are flashing their bodies that are the heavily religious and conservative ones. To be blunt, I am basically the sort that many of my fellow employees would label a social degenerate, if only by association. They know none of this, because I believe that one's religious, political and social affiliations are best kept to the personal sphere.

This brings me to my problem: because of my conservative dress, many of these women show no hesitation in coming up and spouting beliefs which I find perplexing at best and offensive at worst. Although it's difficult to keep a neutral face, I can usually deflect their attention onto a question about work.

However, this has continued to the point where I internally cringe whenever religion is brought up, and I fear I might start to cringe visibly in short order. I must continue to work with these women, and telling someone that their religious beliefs are offending you is certainly a way to ice over an office.

However, I fear my breaking point is fast approaching. How do I put a permanent lid on their "lighthearted" chats about which segments of society are hell-bound without being too subtle for these unprofessional professionals or being too blunt to allow for a decent workplace environment?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners would have thought it a tremendous advantage for a social degenerate (or a social degenerate once removed) to be thought a prude. Perhaps what you need is to seem more of a prude.

At the next approach of a lewdly-dressed proselytizer, try casting your eyes down and mumbling, "Oh, I can't talk about God. I'm sorry, I just can't."

After two or three reiterations of "I just can't," the suspicion will arise that your beliefs are as buttoned up as your clothes. Miss Manners is counting on their fleeing when it occurs to them that you might expect them to observe the same strict standard.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am curious what is the proper place for one to lay a paper (as opposed to a cloth) napkin when one is eating. I've often felt that paper napkins are to be placed in one's lap, while some believe it's OK to leave the paper napkin on the table while eating. I would like to have your insight into this so I can be sure that I am doing this properly.

GENTLE READER: Because etiquette cannot bear to think of paper napkins, it has no special rules for them. For example, it is probably not a good idea to wash and iron them, but there is no rule against it.

So Miss Manners is afraid that you are going to have to put the silly thing on your lap. A soiled paper napkin on the table would look even worse than a soiled cloth one.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I happen to be very good at remembering names and faces of people to whom I have been introduced before. I have noticed, however, that this is not a universal trait.

If you are introduced to someone or if someone comes up and introduces themselves to you, and you distinctly remember having met them before, what is the proper response? Do you play along and act as though you are indeed meeting them for the first time, or is there a gentle way of letting them know that you have met before without leaving them feeling embarrassed for not remembering you?

GENTLE READER: Have you considered running for public office? Being able to remember people's names is gold for politicians, and if you won, you might not have the problem of people's not remembering yours.

Miss Manners also has a less strenuous and less expensive way for you to help your less fortunate fellow citizens. That is to advance on them announcing your name and where you met, giving them the opportunity to say, "Yes, yes, of course," just as if they had remembered.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What happened to the "rule" that said family members do not host bridal or baby showers?

GENTLE READER: Nothing happened to the rule; it's still there. It is the sense that it is cheeky to ask for presents for your relatives that something happened to.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette for a mother who is insufferable?

Currently my father is ill and all the talk is what my mother had to suffer -- how much she stayed up late, how far she had to drive -- along with the running commentary, while my father is gravely ill, of how fat all my sisters and I are, what color nail polish we are using, what we are wearing, etc.

Worse than that is her belief that her "thinking" made him well (vs. any efforts by doctors and medications) -- her rudeness and threatening of hospital personnel, her refusal to have any religious personnel present even though my father is a religious man.

This woman abused me as a child constantly and I have no desire to have any relationship with her, particularly not one of further abuse. Anyway, this psycho says she wants me to not have a visit with my father unless I say that her methods are right and no others are necessary.

GENTLE READER: You are asking Miss Manners the wrong question. It should be "What is the proper etiquette toward a father who is gravely ill?"

The answer is to avoid embroiling him in a quarrel with the person who is taking care of him. Insufferable as your mother may be, you point out that you have been suffering her, as it were, for many years. If saying, "Sure, sure, if you say so" a few times more buys you time with your father and relieves him from suffering through a feud, it strikes Miss Manners as the decent thing to do.

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