DEAR MISS MANNERS: I learned that when I am dining and have to excuse myself from the table, I should place my napkin on my chair, so that my fellow diners do not have a used napkin sitting next to their dining plates and food.

However, in all my adult years, I have yet to see even one other person do this, even those with traditionally impeccable manners. Everyone puts his or her napkin on the dining table. Have I been misinformed?

GENTLE READER: Your information is correct. Miss Manners regrets to inform you that your friends, apparently, are not. Even in trivial matters, it is not a good idea to presume that what you see going on around you is the gold standard of behavior.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one graciously inquire as to e-mails that, when sent, seem to fall into a black hole?

This is a continuing pattern I encounter with someone who otherwise is a godsend to the charitable work I'm involved with. "Your e-mails seem to fall into a black hole" seems brusque, yet I'm convinced gentler comments will not remedy the situation.

GENTLE READER: If not for the possibility that e-mail sometimes falls into black holes, life would be a lot stricter. Like the older form of lost-in-the-mail, this offers a barely plausible excuse for having neglected one's duty. Not that Miss Manners wants to encourage this sort of thing.

On the whole, we tend to believe that all mail is delivered. But while the slap of letters on the floor is irresistible, not everyone picks up e-mail every day. You needn't sound as if you are chastising this lady because there is no reason to chastise her. You need only inquire which is the best way -- telephone, instant messaging, e-mail or snail mail -- to be sure of reaching her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a new friend's adult Halloween party. The invitation -- hand-delivered to me, along with a second invitation for a sales-type party -- stated "BYOB and your own food. We will provide non-alcoholic drinks, music and lots of fun." She and her husband drink wine and beer, by the way.

I was insulted by this invitation that requires me to pay for evening baby-sitting, purchase (or make) a costume, and take my own wine and meal. The hostess lives in a very nice, large home and drives an expensive vehicle, so cost of the party for approximately 20 guests shouldn't be a problem.

Did I mention that when I had this person to my house for a swim party twice this summer, I provided all refreshments, and when I visited her in her home a few weeks later for a kids' "play date," I took snacks and drinks for all of the children as a thank-you for having us over? I also recently gave this new friend a ticket to an amusement park that my family could not use (after she requested it).

Am I being too sensitive that this person expects her guests to provide almost everything for her party? Should my husband and I be courteous and attend? If not, how can I pass along the message that we do not wish to attend because of the inappropriate invitation?

GENTLE READER: Think of it as a Halloween prank -- your friend is pretending to be a hostess, but she really isn't. There is a lot of that going around, and not just on Halloween. Nevertheless, in real life, a hostess does what you do -- extends hospitality, rather than requesting it of those she invites.

A guest does not criticize an invitation. Whether you attend depends on whether you think any enjoyment you might derive offsets the entrance fee. Miss Manners assures you that even gracious invitations may be declined with thanks and without excuses.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a recent ordination, due to dehydration, lack of sleep, a lengthy bus ride, incense and a long period of kneeling, I fainted during the litany of the saints. Coming to a few moments later, I found myself the subject of concerned attentions from my family and a few individuals in neighboring pews. My mother and I went to the back of the basilica, where I recovered quickly.

Though of course looking after one's well-being by drinking water, putting one's head down, etc., are necessary, and though I hope never to repeat the experience, I am curious as to what the etiquette for such situations and for fainting in general is.

GENTLE READER: The etiquette of fainting is not to do it. It disrupts whatever is going on and frightens bystanders. And if you insist upon doing it, you should bring along a sofa on which to sink gracefully.

Miss Manners hopes you find this information of practical use. Perhaps she should add that these instructions are trumped by the fact that fainting is a time-honored way of freeing oneself momentarily from the restrictions of etiquette.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I announced our engagement four months ago. We have not set a date yet, as we are still trying to figure out the details of our wedding. We told everyone that it would probably happen in the fall of 2006, but we weren't certain.

My fiance's closest sister, who is older than he and is not married, was happy for us when she heard the news, but also a bit jealous. You see, she has been living with the same man for 10 years and she very much wants a family and he has yet to commit.

Much to everyone's surprise, she suddenly announced that she, too, was getting married and the wedding would be this January! I am very upset because I feel that she is being inconsiderate by not waiting for my fiance and I to set our date and now their family has to attend two weddings in one year! What is the proper etiquette, if any, that she should have followed in setting her wedding date?

GENTLE READER: Are you suggesting that since she has waited 10 years for a husband and children already, she might as well wait another year so that you can have the spotlight all to yourself? Or rather, that she should do so out of courtesy to the poor relatives who might face the hardship of attending two weddings in a single year?

Miss Manners finds it imprudent of you to have brought up the question of jealousy. Let us assume that your prospective sister-in-law is getting married because she wants to, as you acknowledge, and because the gentleman is willing, which you oddly fail to acknowledge but is surely a prerequisite. Let us also assume that she sees her marriage as living her life, rather than trying to top yours, and that she wishes you and her brother well, which she has indicated.

Miss Manners is hoping to hear that you can manage to behave as if you had the same attitude.

: