DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend and I went out to eat at a barbecue place, a nice one with waiters and cloth napkins. When we were finished eating but still at the table, my friend said he was looking for a toothpick. I told him they probably had them at the door, as it is impolite to pick one's teeth at the table.

My friend disagreed. He said even if it is generally true, there should have been an exception at this place because we were eating barbecue.

I said it's disgusting no matter what the environment. He also blows his nose loudly at the table; we have had the same discussion regarding that revolting habit. My friend says he will abide by your advice.

GENTLE READER: Good; then you will not be troubled again by these two instances of poor manners.

Miss Manners also faults his reasoning. Why would we bother having a rule against picking one's teeth at the table -- as indeed we do -- only to suspend it in cases of food that is apt to get stuck in the teeth?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in an interracial marriage. Although our parents couldn't be more different (mine are Scandinavian of Midwestern conservative stock) and my wife's mother (who had been in show business), is a VERY flamboyant woman who, although near 60, wears falls that fall halfway down her back, 3-inch false eyelashes and 5-inch nails that look more like bird talons, and rides a motorcycle, they all get along very well together.

Therefore I was quite surprised when a friend of the family told me that they were making fun of my wife's mother in private. When I confronted my parents about this, they told me, that they would never be unkind to her or say anything negative about her in front of me, my wife or children but I shouldn't be offended over something that was said in private not intended for my family to hear, especially because my mother-in-law is so unusual. My sibling told me not to worry about, she said just because people make fun of someone, doesn't mean they dislike the person.

Although I love my parents, I don't feel quite the same about them now. But if they treat her well, should I just get over it?

GENTLE READER: Of course families make fun of one another. That's what families do. Sometimes it is affectionate and sometimes it is nasty. And sometimes it is just because even the fondest of families feel free to joke among themselves about one another as long as they are not hurtful by confronting the subject or disloyal by talking to outsiders.

Can you honestly say that you and your wife have never had a private giggle about some relative you genuinely love? So yes, if relations among the in-laws are otherwise good, you should get over it.

What worries Miss Manners are your opening and closing statements. You would feel differently about your parents if they were suddenly revealed to have racist tendencies -- but by your own description, race is far from your mother-in-law's most obvious characteristic. Personal taste can be within the teasing range of nonmalicious people.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Help. After bestowing much diamond jewelry on a woman for five years and being engaged for the last year of that five, she broke up with me.

I have money, so it's not about money. Philosophically and morally I am convinced that I should get the jewelry back. It does not seem right for a woman to break up with a man she claims she did not love but wants to keep jewelry that represents a promise of allegiance. It was given with the intent of a lifetime relationship culminating in marriage. She finally told me she never really loved me. Am I wrong to want these tokens of romance back?

GENTLE READER: As it is too late to tell you, a lady does not accept expensive jewelry from a gentleman who is not her husband. And as you are about to find out, someone who is not a lady does not give it back.

The exception is an engagement ring, which by definition is given by a not-yet-husband, and which is recognized, even legally, to be a pledge of troth to be returned if the pledge is not fulfilled for any reason. She certainly should give that back. In fact, she should regard all the jewelry as philosophically as you do, and rid herself of reminders of a mistaken romance. Miss Manners suggests you not hold your breath waiting for this to happen, however.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I celebrated my 17th birthday, I was happy to receive monetary gifts from both sets of my grandparents, but I put off writing "thank you" notes due to a multitude of reasons (including forgetfulness and my search for a summer job).

Now, over a month has transpired since the receipt of my gifts, and I have yet to express my gratitude. Recently, my mother brought to my attention this fact, and I immediately thought about my history with this process.

I have been notorious for being tardy with my thank you notes, and I am fairly positive that my relatives know about my parents' involvement in demanding that I write the notes. I am wondering: Would it be rude to send a note this late (when my grandparents would know that it was only my parents' involvement that got me around to the task), or would it be better to not write, and not call attention to my tardiness (and possible rudeness)?

GENTLE READER: Nice try. Your parents are insisting that you do the polite and decent thing, and you turn to Miss Manners for a reprieve. Your thoughtful reasoning is that since you are in the habit of procrastinating, you must run into some sort of statute of limitations by which you get off free.

Sorry. The longer you put off this task, the longer the letter you have to write. It should not contain your paltry excuses, but overwhelm them with gratitude for their kindness and enthusiasm about whatever you must have long since bought with their money.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hate to sound like a child who was born with a silver spoon, but it often distresses me when my boyfriend goes on and on about how poor he was when growing up. Mind you, my boyfriend is fun and can be a little boisterous at times.

Last night we had dinner with a work colleague and his date. By chance we happened on the conversation of a child's birthday party, and our colleague's date was just explaining how she went a little overboard for the gifts, and why not, as a child only turns 5 once.

My boyfriend piped up and said, "How spoiled your kids are. I never had one birthday party or any Christmas gifts. In fact, one Christmas, my mom did get me a used videogame set. When I was at school one day she took it to the pawn shop and bought a carton of cigarettes."

Miss Manners, how does one respond to that? I was flustered and the date was left with an uneasy feeling. The colleague of course scoffed, and said, "That's so B.S." Our associate had grown up in a well-to-do family and couldn't conceive of the idea. The two men began to "discuss" the idea, and I just stayed out of the conversation.

On the drive home, my boyfriend was upset that I didn't stand up for him, and I told him that it was rude to even bring up such a tragedy and it probably spoiled our company's mood. So who was being inconsiderate -- my boyfriend or our company? Or myself? What can I do to alleviate this type of conversation topic being brought back up?

GENTLE READER: Fraternize with people who have serious, current misfortunes, preferably by finding a way to help them. With any luck, the gentleman might be exposed to gallant souls who refuse to feel sorry for themselves. At the least, he will hear how irritating self-pity can be.

His behavior was culpable, as he used this self-pity to criticize someone else as well as to beg for retroactive sympathy. Miss Manners cannot condone what his friend replied, but she sympathizes with the sentiment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was wondering if it is OK to drop by a neighbor's house unannounced. We stopped by a neighbor's house the other night and they invited us in; however, they were eating dinner and had company staying with them. I felt uncomfortable being there. My husband feels it is rude to decline the invitation to come inside, but I feel we should have said we would come back another time or call next time before stopping by their house.

GENTLE READER: Your husband thought it would be rude not to crash the neighbor's dinner? Miss Manners is hard put to understand why he would think that the polite way to make up for interrupting their meal and their time with their friends was to keep right on doing it.

Dropping in is an impolite habit exactly because it creates the sort of awkward situation that you describe. Of course you should call. Better still, why not invite them to your house when you wish to see them?

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