Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend Joe has spent Christmas Eve with my family and me for the past 12 years. He has dated Sue for the past year, so we naturally invited her and her teenage daughter to join us for dinner and board games.

Our Xmas Eve meal is a large, buffet-style extravaganza which takes hours to prepare. Sue and Joe said yes with a caveat -- they were trying to book a flight for a tropical vacation over the Xmas holidays and could not confirm their attendance until they knew their travel plans. I asked them for at least a week's notice because of the time involved in preparing the buffet.

My family and I also decided that we would forego the event if "non-family" members did not attend, in favor of a quiet, casual evening out. Another couple was also invited and they too said that they would get back to us if their other plans fell through.

Three days before Christmas, I (politely) asked Joe and the other couple for an answer to our invitation, since it directly affected our plans. Joe and the couple said they would attend, but Sue was still looking for a flight.

On December 23rd, Joe and Sue broke up. Later that day, Sue called my sister-in-law to say that she would also attend the dinner. It had apparently slipped her mind that she and Joe had split up and also that Joe was planning to attend -- even though that was one of the issues which fueled the break-up. When my sister-in-law learned about the break-up from Joe, she was faced with the unhappy task of "un-inviting" Sue. An invitation was extended for a Boxing Day event, which was declined.

I have since been told by Joe that I was unspeakably rude for demanding an answer to our invitation from both him and the other couple. He felt that we should have prepared the meal for nine people instead of four and then just refrigerated the left-overs if no one showed up.

I have been told by Sue that we were unspeakably rude for "un-inviting" her, in spite of the fact that her presence would have made us all very uncomfortable, even assuming that she and Joe did not resume their fight in front of us all.

My sister-in-law was told by the other couple that we were unspeakably rude for not also inviting them to Christmas dinner since it was obvious we were planning a big family meal and they had made it clear that they had nowhere else to go and had no intention of cooking for themselves.

Was I wrong to insist on an answer? Were we wrong to un-invite Sue? Were we wrong not to invite the other couple for Christmas dinner? How can we avoid such breaches of etiquette in the future?

GENTLE READER: Ah, yes, nothing says Christmas like a bunch of unspeakably rude people speaking unspeakable things to one another. What do you say we move on to the next jolly holiday?

Miss Manners' New Year's suggestion is that you get yourself a fresh list of guests. You can avoid such carryings-on by striking from your list everyone who doesn't give definite answers to invitations, who makes outrageous demands and who tries to cover his own rudeness by calling you names.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate for the first wife to take back the name of a former spouse?

My husband's ex-wife is now going through her second divorce, and is planning on dropping his last name and taking back my husband's. My husband and his ex had two children from their marriage, and she claims she wants to have the same last name as her children. He and I are very uncomfortable with this.

He and I have a child together and all the children attend the same small school. I think it will be confusing at school and I am wondering if people will assume my husband and his ex are now back together.

I realize she can legally change her name to anything she wants but out of courtesy, should she consider our feelings? She says it is common for women who are divorced twice to go back to a former last name of an ex if they share children. What are your views on this topic?

GENTLE READER: Before we get to Miss Manners' view, let us have another look at the ex-wife's view.

Yes, it is common for divorced mothers to want to share their children's surnames, regardless of whom they married or divorced subsequently. Ah, but in this case, you say, confusion will arise from your and her children all being in the same school.

Don't you think that confusion has already arisen? Don't you think that you should consider what the assumption that you, who share a surname with her children, are their mother, has been doing to her feelings?

Miss Manners' view is that this is more important than your discomfort. As for the gossipmongers you fear, they would only be risking their own reputations for reliability. A rumor that a husband has left his second wife for his first wife is far too interesting to go unchecked.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a wonderful single pastor who comes to our house when we have other pastors over for dinner. I am planning another dinner party in the near future but want to invite a single lady as well as the single pastor. How can I invite the single pastor without him feeling I am trying to fix him up? How can I word the invitation?

We have a lot of single friends and love their company. I would like him to meet this lady but really would like them to come and enjoy the company of our other guests.

GENTLE READER: So you are fixing him up?

Never mind answering that. It is society's business to throw eligible people together without being responsible for the results. And the way to do this is identical to the way you invite people whom you have no intention of fixing up -- with merely an invitation to come to dinner and an air of innocence about any friendships you expect to come of it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a formal dinner party, we were served cream soup in double handled cream soup bowls, complete with liner plate. With no apparent soup spoon on the table, I lifted the bowl by both handles and quietly sipped my soup.

My wife was shocked but made no comment until we returned home. My cousin, another guest at the party, did the same. We remember being taught by our grandmother that this was proper etiquette. Was she wrong?

Other guests used their dessert spoons. Our hostess, another cousin, looked shocked. Can you advise us please?

GENTLE READER: It sounds to Miss Manners like a successful dinner party. It is so hard to shock people nowadays.

Your grandmother was quite right: a two-handled cup may be taken up with two hands. It is customary to provide a soup spoon for those who do not care to do so. Miss Manners can only conclude that the hostess's shock was at herself from having omitted doing so.

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