DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister's husband is on the board of trustees of a local charitable organization. It is a first-rate operation and serves a worthy cause. I am upset, however, with how my brother-in-law solicits me for contributions.

I am a high school teacher, currently paying college and university tuitions for three people. Nonetheless, I donate somewhere around 8 percent to 10 percent of my income to charitable causes of my choosing.

My brother-in-law, who lives next door, has brought up the issue of my making a capital gift to his organization more than once in social settings in which I find it is impossible to get him to drop the subject. On Christmas Eve, he handed everyone envelopes stating a contribution had been made in our name to his charity. My envelope included a brochure and a pledge envelope.

I find this social aggression extraordinarily uncomfortable, and, as worthy as his cause is, I am progressively more disinclined to donate to his charity. He has certainly not been responsive to my polite demurring and attempts to change the subject. I have asked my sister to give him a clue to back off, but that has not worked either. Do you have any suggestions how to handle this problem in the future?

GENTLE READER: Yes: Try not changing the subject. You need to tell your brother-in-law plainly, but of course politely, what you have told Miss Manners: that you give what you can to charity and will not be contributing to his.

But there are two more things he needs to be told. One is that you do not discuss your personal finances, even with members of the family. And the other is that, in fact, you have already given to his cause, as he has kindly made that your Christmas present, for which you must thank him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I thought I'd share with you a "thank you" note I received last Christmas:

"Dear _____,

I hope you had a nice Christmas with your family. Thank you for the bowl. I am not fond of blue; did it come in other colors?

If not, would you like to have it back?

Our home is rather full. In the future, gifts of wine or food would be appreciated. Thank you for understanding.

Love, ______."

Though tempted to gift this "friend" with a bottle of Blue Nun and a pound of Bleu Cheese this year, I decided simply to send a nice card. Thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest.

GENTLE READER: And did your friend like the card you sent her? Did it have a theme she approved? Were the colors used ones that she likes? Was it mailed when she thought it ought to be?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I feel an obligation to attend a certain goodbye party. I said I would attend. I also made reservations for a theatre event on the same evening.

Now I am wondering what is the least amount of time I can spend at the party without appearing to be rude?

GENTLE READER: While it is true that the purpose of the party is to say goodbye, slightly more is expected of a guest who has accepted an invitation. If it is a stand-up party, you need a pause of at least 90 minutes between that and the time you have said hello. If it is a seated dinner, Miss Manners is afraid that you need time to find someone who can use your theater tickets.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have received a gift from friends that was actually a gift of a goat to a family in another country in need of sustenance. I was perplexed as to how to word the thank you note.

"Thank you for thinking of us and others" seemed insufficient, but I struggled to come up with a second sentence. Since this situation may reoccur, I would appreciate knowing the appropriate way to express our thanks.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners just about had your letter of thanks written for you:

"We are thrilled with the delightful goat you so kindly gave us. What a merry and playful fellow he is. But we were moved to discover that he also has his serious side, and is as committed to recycling as we are. Perhaps even more so, if you can imagine that. Last summer, when we grumbled about our rickety lawn mower, we little imagined that you were exercising your thoughtful ingenuity on our lawn problem. Only you could have come up with such a charming solution. ..."

But wait. You haven't actually got the goat. It went to a more deserving family.

Miss Manners has no doubt that this is for the best all around -- for you, the recipient and for your neighbors -- but the fact remains that your friends did not give you a present. They got a twofer out of their philanthropy by merging their gift list with their charity list.

So your first sentence of thanks strikes her as perfectly adequate. The second sentence should express your hope that the recipients' lives will be made easier because of your friends' donation. You probably didn't want your own goat, anyway.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After all the work of buying presents and otherwise preparing for the holidays, I do not have the energy to shop for my own presents with the many gift cards I received. I placed them in my wallet, with the intent of using them if I ever happen across the stores that issued them, but this is unlikely as I seldom go to shopping malls.

Some of the retailers have Web sites, so I moved those cards from my wallet to my desk to remind myself to visit the sites when I am online conducting other business. But I keep forgetting to do so.

The one time I remembered, I found that the purchasing power of my gift card would not cover shipping charges for the item I wanted, and I didn't wish to spend any money on the item, so I canceled the transaction.

Given that I wrote warm thank-you letters a few days after receiving the cards, am I required to use them and thank the givers for the items I select? What should I say if they ask me what I bought? Should I admit that I have not yet had the time or felt the urge to shop?

GENTLE READER: Isn't that what they have admitted to you? That they find it too much trouble to shop for you?

Mind you, Miss Manners requires that even minimum-effort presents receive gracious thanks. But having done that, you are not obliged to report back again.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a a performance of "The Nutcracker" my husband and I attended, there were lots of little kids -- sisters all decked out in matching dresses, little boys in suits and ties.

We were seated by a woman about my age (old) who was with a couple of teenaged girls. A young couple was seated behind us with a little boy, perhaps 2 years old, who said a few words during the performance. He asked, "What's that?" when Clara received the nutcracker and when Herr Drosselmeyer climbed up behind the clock and spread his cape like a vampire, the little boy said, "Oh, oh!"

The woman beside me turned around and said, "SSSHHHH, please."

By and large, the child was quiet, but every now and then he'd say something and his mother would whisper, "No talking -- remember?"

Well, the woman beside me became more and more annoyed. She began to put her hand up over her eyes as if the child were giving her a headache and before the second act began, when the little boy made some noise, she turned to his mother and said, "Please take him out of here. We can't even hear the music. He's much too young to be here." The young couple took the little boy and left.

On the way home, my husband said he thought the woman was out of line. He said the little boy kicked the back of his seat a few times (he kicked mine, too), but it wasn't that bad. He asked me, "Why didn't you say to her, 'Are you always such a b - - - -, or only at Christmas?'"

There were several children on the other side of the theater who were making quite a racket. I don't know what the woman beside me would have done had she been seated over there, but I think 2 p.m. Nutcracker performances are the province of children, and if you want austere quiet, you'd better go to an evening performance.

Should I have said anything to the woman? If so, what?

GENTLE READER: Nothing you hear from your husband. Miss Manners did not care for the sample he supplied of how to encourage politeness.

Everyone here seems to have a lot to learn. Children have to be stopped from kicking seats, and adults have to be stopped from beating up on children and on one another.

The former is done by teaching children the manners of such an event before taking them and quietly reminding on the spot, as the mother was in fact doing (although she should also have been restraining the kicking). Some leeway should be allowed at child-oriented events, Miss Manners agrees, although she does not make the distinction you do between matinee and evening performances.

Restraining adults, such as your neighbor, seems to be more difficult. Concert halls and opera houses are packed with belligerent people who disdain complaining politely (with a regretful and sympathetic look) and get right down to insult and violence. Is there something about classical music that inspires this?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We exchange gifts with one of my closest relatives, and on the attached gift tags from her family to me, my children and husband, they put "from" their whole family (she, her husband and daughter) and the dog.

I am offended that this seems to place the same value on each of my children as their dog. Am I wrong to be sensitive to this? Should I address this somehow? If so, how?

GENTLE READER: Your relatives' dog probably lives at the same address as they do. However, you need address only the lady when writing, if you ask her to extend your thanks to her family.

That this includes the dog should make him equivalent to their daughter, not your children, although it does make your family more distantly related to him. Miss Manners reminds you that having a primitive relative of one sort or another is a common problem most families learn to accept.

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