Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: According to the etiquette books when I was much younger (I'm now 87), the proper way for passing the serving dishes at a family-style meal was from the right to the left. Just recently I have been told by some in the younger generation that the "rules" have changed and now the correct direction for passing is from the left to the right. Am I really that old-fashioned?

GENTLE READER: Or is the etiquette business really that crazy?

Do we etiquetteers have nothing better to do than to reverse perfectly good rules for the sake of confusing those few people who have bothered to learn them?

Platters are passed from right to left because most people are right handed and find it convenient to hold the plate in the left hand while using the right hand to serve themselves food. Those who are left-handed can reach over with the right hand (thus having to experience how awkward it is to have food approaching from the wrong side) and transfer the platter to the right.

Meanwhile, Miss Manners advises you not to take unauthorized advice from etiquette-imposters of whatever age.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I bought an older home one year ago. We love our house, but it needs a lot of work. We both work full time, and I am in school. Therefore, the house isn't in the shape we hoped it would be after one year.

My in-laws keep pestering us about why they haven't been invited to our home. They bring it up constantly. "Well, if we had SEEN the house by now..." "Well, since we haven't been invited over yet..."

It's gotten to the point that they've blatantly invited themselves over. "If we come to town to do X, is it all right if we just stop by?"

I was taught growing up that you never invite yourself to anything. Am I wrong? On the flip side, was it rude of me to have not invited them to our house sooner? It's been a mess and I'm embarrassed to have people see it this way.

So I finally broke down and decided to have a party with family and a few close friends. I sent out 20 or so invitations. I have received almost NO RSVPs! What's the protocol when no one RSVPs? We have a limited budget and don't want to waste a lot of money on people who don't show up. But we don't want the embarrassment of not having enough food if everyone on our list shows up.

GENTLE READER: Your complaint seems to be that some prospective guests issue their own invitations and others refuse to issue answers to your invitations. But Miss Manners has a quarrel with the parallelism.

Do you really not see the difference between banning your in-laws from your house for a year and not feeling ready to invite friends to a party?

It is little wonder that your husband's parents are hurt at never having been allowed into his and your house -- as if it mattered how fixed up the place was. Miss Manners commends them for resorting only to mild hinting.

And now you want to entertain those ill-mannered friends of yours. So you will have to do what your in-laws are doing -- stifle your annoyance at their neglect and telephone to voice the hope that you will see them.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My livelihood requires that I take very long flights. ?Of course, on a 10- or 15-hour flight, I have to ?get out of my seat from time to time. What is the ?etiquette of asking one's neighbor in the aisle seat ?to allow one to get by, especially if the neighbor is ?sleeping?

GENTLE READER: The polite move is to attempt to step over your sleeping seatmate without disturbing him. Considering how airplane seats are positioned, this, Miss Manners assures you, is impossible.

So if he is awake at the time, you assume a regretful and helpless expression and say "excuse me" while seemingly preparing to leap over him. If he has any sense of survival, not to mention compassion, he will get up, thus blocking the aisle for everyone else.

If he is asleep, you should say nothing but loom over him, presumably preparing to take a giant step, until he gets the creepy feeling that -- well, that someone is looming over him. At that point, you assume the hangdog look and say, "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to wake you, I just need to get out."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I went to dinner with a colleague at a restaurant that serves a bread dish as a complimentary starter -- it has two pieces. Before its arrival, I excused myself from the table to make an important phone call. When I returned, both pieces were gone. My colleague saw the surprised expression on my face and stated simply that she was hungry.

Am I wrong to feel that my colleague was rude in eating both pieces? Granted, I could have ordered another batch; however, there were two of us, which should imply one piece for each, right? Please advise.

GENTLE READER: All right -- Miss Manners advises you not to leave your dinner companion to starve while you go off and make your important telephone call. This was your colleague's way of saying that it was rude of you to delay her meal, and that she was due an apology instead of a shocked look.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In our very small, close-knit, 15-person department, we have two ladies who are expecting and due within two weeks of each other. They are both married and both already have one child. They are both expecting boys.

The problem is that one of them is keeping her baby, the other is giving her baby to her sister. We would like to have a baby shower but are unsure how to proceed. Do we give a joint shower? If so, what are appropriate gifts to give to the mom that is giving her baby to her sister? HELP! We don't want anyone to feel bad or left out.

GENTLE READER: Then ask each of them if she would be agreeable to your giving a joint shower. As for presents, Miss Manners hopes you do not imagine that either baby will have fewer than the usual needs or will cease to be of interest to his mother.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few nights ago, I had an informal wine and hors d'oeuvres party at my home. ?I was expecting eight to 10 people; when six had arrived, I noticed that though ?everyone was standing around the food, no one had touched any. I didn't want ?to force plates upon people, but I worried that my guests weren't eating ?because no one wanted to be the first person to begin.

So, I cheerfully announced, "Oh, I'll start," and took some food. Everyone else immediately followed my lead. Because I hadn't eaten all day (busy cleaning and ?cooking), I filled my plate a few more times throughout the course of the ?evening -- never taking the last wedge of brie, mind you, but eating enough to keep my growling stomach from interrupting conversation.

When the guests had left, my boyfriend said he was disgusted and appalled at ?my behavior. He claimed that as hostess, I shouldn't have been the first to ?eat, and said that good hosts would have either waited until the guests had ?left before snacking at all, or they would have sneaked bites in the kitchen rather than fill plates in public.

I come from a family where entertaining is casual at best -- guests are often ?encouraged to "help themselves" to the contents of the refrigerator -- and am ?concerned I've done the wrong thing. Can you set me straight?

GENTLE READER: On how to open a buffet table while all the guests cluster foolishly nearby without venturing to begin -- yes. On whether you made it look as if you had been on the verge of starvation -- no. Apparently, your gentleman friend thought you did, and he was there.

Unlike a seated dinner, where the hostess signals the time to begin by picking up her own fork, buffet meals require her to wait until her guests have served themselves. The way to make this happen when they hang back is to hand out two or three plates to those nearest the table and say, motioning to the food, "Please help yourself."

Yes, that is the same phrase you have been using, but in what Miss Manners considers a less hospitable context. Polite people are going to be intimidated by being given the run of the refrigerator without knowing which of the contents you were planning to use for what. Not everyone is like that, of course, but do you really want those who are not messing around in your refrigerator?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am currently taking time off from teaching at the university in order to write. Sometimes I waitress, but not lately. Living in a small town, I am known by most folks to be working on selling my first novel while writing my second. Still, not many days pass before an acquaintance will ask me, "Have you found a job yet?"

If I take the question seriously and answer that I have a job, they ask what it is, and when I answer, "Writing," they wink and nod like that's either a lie or a good joke. I've thought to be glib, but answering, "You know I'm always working at something" makes me sound like a reprobate.

I'm seeking the middle ground, but can't seem to come up with the right answer myself. Might Miss Manners, ever so good at crafting gently pointed phrases, be of some help? It would be most appreciated.

GENTLE READER: "I've been too busy working to think about it."

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