Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A while back, a creditor filed a lawsuit against me, and an officer of the court came by to serve me with the papers. I signed for the receipt, he gave me the subpoena and all the supporting paperwork indicating that I was being ordered to appear in court, and I said "thank you" as he left.

In retrospect, I'm honestly not sure whether this was appropriate or not, and I wondered whether etiquette has anything to say about such situations.

GENTLE READER: It says that you are so well trained in politeness that you say the proper thing without even thinking. This makes you a parent's dream, although maybe not the part about being sued by a creditor, Miss Manners concedes. In any case, your good manners will serve you well in court, where politeness counts a lot.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every year I host an open house/Halloween trick-or-treat party. As I am the hostess, I prepare several hot dishes (both meat and vegetarian) in advance as well as providing drinks and children's food.

When guests ask what they can bring, I say "Oh, please just bring yourselves, as I know that it is a very busy day for everyone. I'll be serving XYZ."

Inevitably, as everyone seems to "host" potlucks, a few people still bring food. Usually, it is food that needs to be prepared or cooked, as these same people have been very busy with other parties, etc., and dropped by the store on their way over, apparently.

It is difficult for me to stop serving and entertaining my other guests in order to prepare and present the food these guests have so graciously brought. In addition, the kitchen is full of guests and few pots, plates, etc., are available.

Is there any polite way for me to ask them to prepare and present the food themselves? Or do I just thank them and leave their offering on the counter? Or do I need to keep smiling and presenting their food as I have done in the past?

GENTLE READER: One day when Miss Manners was napping, the Etiquette Imposters declared that dinner guests were obliged to arrive with food or wine.

Why?

Are they afraid there won't be enough to eat or drink? Or have they been intimidated by the kind of people who pretend to be hosts but assign the attendees to do the catering?

"It saves work," they claim.

No. Not if people take fair turns giving parties. Then they have only one day of work for several evenings when they don't have to go out balancing pots in the car or rushing to the store.

Ah, well.

You must do better at heading them off: "You're very kind, but I have everything, and I'm not going to have room to let anyone in the kitchen."

If this doesn't work, you should still defend your kitchen: "Thank you, let me take that," you should say at the kitchen entrance. "When I've cleared everything out here, I'll let you know."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I eat steak, I like to cut my steak into smaller pieces. Then, after doing so, I stab the cut portion of steak with my knife and place it in my mouth. I was recently chastised by my new girlfriend for doing so.

I have eaten my steak like this since I was a young boy. I felt my girlfriend was wrong, since I've never been corrected for eating my steak this way.

Will you please help me explain to my girlfriend that there is no wrong way to eat a Texas steak?

GENTLE READER: Sure there is. Chomping off the cow, for example.

Are you, perchance, under the delusion that manners are only for use on formal occasions, by the sissies who go to such things, and that it is manly to be slipshod?

(And yes, Miss Manners threw in the "perchance" to goad you, just as you are persisting in your eating habit to goad your girlfriend.)

Or perhaps you are just extremely old-fashioned. Eating from the point of a knife was commonplace until it was roundly condemned about 200 years ago, when the fork came into widespread use. And cutting up all the meat before it is eaten is done only for small children not yet trusted to wield knives.

That you were not told this before is a shame. But now you know.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently asked a first date with a lady who had hinted to me that she would welcome a more-than-casual relationship between us. I took her to a pleasant and quiet restaurant, hoping that we could get to know each other better.

Her cell phone rang 10 minutes after our arrival at the restaurant, and she proceeded to have a lengthy conversation with the caller. A few minutes later, this was repeated with another caller and then, just after we finished our main course and were awaiting dessert, it happened again with a third caller.

From what I could hear of the conversations, none were of an urgent nature.

During the third call and subsequent conversation, I took sufficient cash to pay for our meals (plus a generous tip), placed it on the table and interrupted her long enough to say that perhaps we could do this again when she wasn't so busy and left her sitting there, cell phone in hand.

We had taken a cab to the restaurant so I'm afraid she would have incurred the expense of a cab to get herself home.

Was I wrong to expect her to turn her phone off or at least inform her callers she was busy and promise to call back later? She has let all our mutual friends know how terribly rude I was to her.

GENTLE READER: That makes five instances of repeated rudeness on her side and none on yours, presuming that you handled the matter as civilly as you indicate. Miss Manners would say that you did the lady a favor by giving her the privacy to enjoy the relationships she already has.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We received a wedding invitation that included a slip of paper detailing proper wedding attire in order for us to show respect for the church.

Specifically, women are to wear dresses knee-length or longer, with covered arms and no bosom showing. Hair is to be covered with a scarf or hat (if not, the church will provide a covering). Legs are to be covered with hosiery, and pumps, or a covered shoe with no heel is acceptable. Men are to wear a suit and tie, or sport coat and tie.

Is this appropriate? In our church, we figure that as long as we're neat and clean, God is happy to see us.

We will meet the demands because we love the bride, but it's leaving a queasy feeling.

GENTLE READER: It makes you queasy to think of dressing respectfully to enter a church? Or to attend a wedding?

Why?

Would it help if you let your clothes out at the waist? Miss Manners supposes not, if you really do not understand the part that symbolism plays in society and in religion. Beyond the obvious functions of protection and attraction, clothing serves as a symbolic way of conveying information. Religious texts and directives are full of mentions of clothing, sometimes in regard to modesty, but also in terms of respect for a place of worship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife's mother passed away when she was 17, long before my sister-in-law and I came along. After his wife's death, my father-in-law remarried a wonderful woman that everyone loves and cares for deeply.

My sister-in-law has been calling the new wife "Mom," which makes my wife very uncomfortable. My wife also feels that it is disrespectful to the memory of her mother.

She spoke to her brother about how this really bothers her and found out that it bothers the brother as well, but he is not willing to press the issue with his wife. This has been driving a wedge between our families for about two years and it is getting to the point where our families are no longer social and our fear is that our children will grow up in the same town and not know their cousins.

Is my wife off base here? Is the sister-in-law being inflexible/insensitive by continuing to use "mom" as a title? If we need to discuss this with the sister-in-law, who should discuss it with her? Her husband or my wife?

GENTLE READER: Your wife is not off base in feeling this way -- only in supposing that she can dictate her choice to her sister-in-law. And to her brother, who, for whatever reason, has chosen not to make an issue of it.

Furthermore -- Miss Manners is afraid that you will have to explain this very gently -- your wife is now showing disrespect to her late mother. By making it the cause of a family feud, she is undoubtedly going against what her mother would have wished. No mother wants her children to be alienated from one another. Once your wife said how she felt, she should have dropped the matter.

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