DEAR MISS MANNERS: To my chagrin, I learned that the erstwhile object of my affections has given me a lovely memento, also known as a social disease. Additional tests are pending to ensure that there is no true cause for alarm. It is an unwelcome but extremely effective cure for a broken heart.

What is the proper way to alert him to this fact, as he will also need treatment? Must I do this in person? He is abroad for another week. My disgust is such that without your guidance, I have awful visions of denouncing his infidelity or blurting out bad puns.

GENTLE READER: Do not do that. Repeat: not.

It is not only that you want to remain a lady, even when dealing with someone who is not a gentleman. This is especially true when dealing with someone who is not a gentleman and who knows a great deal of personal information about you.

Miss Manners recommends that you inform him in writing, so you are not tempted to say more than you should. E-mail will not do, because it so easily goes astray -- and can be forwarded. Also, you need to be able to tear up your first 10 drafts so that the one you send is simple, factual and decently worded.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I need an effective reply to a person (usually a potential suitor in whom I'm not wildly interested) who asks for my time by saying, "How does your calendar look?" or the closely related, "What are you doing next Saturday?" Obviously, I can't say that my calendar is booked until the end of time, nor do I want to give away the fact that my Saturday is free, only to discover that the invitation is to help sharpen lawnmower blades all day. And because neither question is a true invitation, I can't say, "I'm sorry, I'm not interested" without sounding a little strange.

I've tried sighing and saying, "Oh, whew, I'm just so busy lately!" but it doesn't work. My most persistent friend is patient and keeps pressing until I finally say, "Well, I'm free the first Saturday in December," and then I throw the phone across the room after we hang up.

Would you please remind people of the polite way to ask for someone's time, and provide me with a way out of this all-too-frequent dilemma?

GENTLE READER: Indeed, even people you might like to see have no business asking what you are doing before issuing an invitation. This is the social equivalent of asking for a signature on a blank check. In a person who must suspect that you are avoiding him, it is all the more reprehensible.

So you need a polite equivalent of "Not if I see you first."

That would be to say that your schedule is "crowded," and, if pressed, to say, or rather whine, "I just can't make any new engagements now."

Should someone whom you might want to see pose the question, Miss Manners recommends saying, "There is too much I should be doing -- but what were you thinking?" If the specific invitation is to help paint his barn, you can appear to think for a minute before saying, "No, I'd love to, but I really shouldn't."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: This evening I found myself waiting in line with two young men who proceeded loudly to proclaim at least five different countries they would like to bomb, and advocated reintroducing the draft so that everyone else would have to share their "sacrifice."

They then loudly branded several political figures they disapproved of "---holes."

I bit my tongue and waited quietly. Then the people in front of me joined in and, incredibly, they all complained about how persecuted they were and how they should band together and "rule the world" (their words, not mine).

I live in a small, relatively liberal town in a very red state, and this is not the first time something like this has happened. At least once a week, I hear jokes or comments that if not overtly racist, contain racist, sexist or homophobic assumptions.

A few weeks ago, I saw someone in a public place wearing a T-shirt that said "celebrate diversity" covered with an assortment of brightly colored guns.

What should I do in these situations? When the people are strangers I bite my tongue for the sake of maintaining a civil society. But what do you do when they are relatives?

I don't want this sort of behavior rubbing off on my nieces and nephews, but whenever I express any kind of disapproval, I am labeled overly sensitive or a knee-jerk liberal (a dirty word in this part of the country). It seems I am expected to hold my tongue politely while they offend anyone and everyone they want.

A friend of mine says I should just keep quiet and let these people talk, that they are only embarrassing themselves.

But you know what? They are not embarrassed. In fact, they are quite proud of themselves.

I've taken to simply leaving the room or avoiding certain people, but when children are around, I worry that by remaining silent, I am becoming complicit in the bad examples set by others. And frankly, I'm getting very tired of showing tolerance to the intolerant. Any hints on how to behave civilly and still sleep at night?

GENTLE READER: What you hear in the street is called freedom of speech. And considering your relatives, it does not sound as if you need to go out looking for an argument.

Not that what you have described to Miss Manners resembles anything like a political argument. Surely you do not harbor the delusion that presenting your views or trading insults would change the minds of people who engage in such polemics.

So yes, you should ignore strangers. And if you can get away from your relatives when they are carrying on, and do so without making a scene, you should. It would be better to make an agreement with them that since you have such different views, and since airing them leads to unpleasantness, talking politics be banned when you are together.

It is of no benefit to the children for you to engage in exchanges of name-calling. However, your conscience would be proud of you if you sought opportunities with them to explain and refute prejudice -- without personally attacking your and their relatives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What would be the best way to discourage my parents from asking me questions about my finances?

GENTLE READER: Being demonstratively responsible and solvent.

Or asking if they meant it as an overture to helping.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: While touring real estate open houses, a number of the dining rooms are set as if awaiting guests. Now I have a number of friends who have started this practice as decor.

Although they are not having dinner guests (and seldom use their dining room), there are placemats or table settings left out at all times. They sometimes continue this look into the kitchen dinette or snack bar.

Is it proper to leave out your linens and dishes out as decor? It does add color to the table, but I feel that you also are collecting dust on items that might be used for dinner service at a later date.

GENTLE READER: Not only that, but it hurries any polite visitors out, on the assumption that you are getting ready for dinner, probably on behalf of more favored guests than themselves. Maybe that's the idea.

What it says to the family is even worse: We don't have time to sit down with you, and we certainly wouldn't use the good things. But here's what it would look like if we did.

So Miss Manners' ruling is: No, a phantom table setting in a lived-in house is not polite to those not invited to eat. Besides, it is ludicrous.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I'm out to dinner with a friend and her husband (I am single), and he pulls out her chair, who pulls out mine? When, in the middle of a conversation, he gazes longingly into her eyes and tells her, "I love you," just where am I supposed to be looking?

As I'm sitting directly across the table and there's no one for me to converse with in the meantime, what is appropriate for me? She will usually respond to his declaration with a "Thank you."

The whole exchange seems very bizarre to me, as well as making me feel like I'm eavesdropping on a private conversation. Wouldn't it be more appropriate for them to do this exchange when they're alone, rather than put on a show for me?

Am I supposed to applaud? Or comment? Or nod approvingly? As he continues to put on airs to show me how sophisticated he is, I can only think of how uncomfortable they're making me. What's up with this?

GENTLE READER: Their marriage is on the rocks, is Miss Manners' guess. Since they could have cooed to their hearts' content simply by staying home, they were obviously in need of an audience. Or, more specifically, a rumor-squelcher.

In any case, these are not people with whom you should be dining. Funny how a small thing like helping his wife, but not you, with the chair is a harbinger of what is to follow.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to thank someone for the gift of a box of stationery? Does one write a note on the stationery received as a gift? Or does one write on other, perhaps less precious, paper? If the gift is a small box of note cards, for instance, art reproductions with eight cards in the box, is it reasonable to use one of them to reply to the giver? Or do you save them for other notes?

GENTLE READER: You use the first to thank the giver. Otherwise, Miss Manners fears, the praise you give the cards will backfire by suggesting that you are going to save them for more important correspondence.

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