DEAR MISS MANNERS: Each holiday season, my husband and I and our two young children drive 300 miles to visit my parents and some of my husband's relatives who live in the same area, then we fly three hours to visit his parents in another state for Christmas Day.

Last year, several of his aunts and uncles gave us gifts for both our family and my in-laws before we flew out in order that we should take these gifts with us to be opened on Christmas and (presumably) spare them the time and expense of mailing them themselves.

This was quite a burden on us. We try to pack as lightly as possible given the kids and their paraphernalia and our own gifts and don't have any extra room in our suitcases.

Also, with security the way it is, extra suitcases can be more than just a slight nuisance. Someone even gave us a fruit basket to take down! I didn't feel that I could say no without offense, since my doing so would mean their gifts wouldn't arrive on time and they were sending gifts for us, too (which we were expected to haul down, open up and then haul back).

I would like to prevent this from happening again this year, but I can't think of how to mention it without sounding crass. If I bring it up well enough in advance, it sounds like I'm expecting to get gifts, which I shouldn't be, and if I wait until they are pressing them upon me, I am then left with being the Grinch who wouldn't deliver the gifts. It doesn't help that my relationship with my husband's parents is already strained (though I generally get on well with the aunts and uncles). Can you offer any sage advice?

GENTLE READER: You are in need of some airport horror stories. Miss Manners understands that these are very easy to come by nowadays. If you don't have any of your own, try reading passengers' blogs or standing by a luggage carousel in your local airport and chatting up the people who are left when no more bags are forthcoming.

Now is the time to open a conversation with your relatives about luggage being lost, damaged or confiscated. Having established the unlikelihood of any packages surviving the flight, you can then demure, saying you would not want to take the responsibility.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family is Catholic, and my son's babysitter is Jewish. She takes wonderful care of him, taking him to and from pre-school and other various things while I am at work.

With the holiday season upon us, I would like to get her something to show my appreciation. Should I give it to her just before Christmas or during Hanukkah? (I am not familiar with Jewish holidays.)

GENTLE READER: Neither. This is a business relationship, however warm, and what the lady deserves is not a present but a year's end bonus, along with an expression of gratitude and good wishes.

But even with friends, being familiar with Hanukkah would not help. Some Jews have adapted secular traditions associated with Christmas; others consider Hanukkah a minor holiday, not to be offered as a substitute. And there are numerous other approaches. Miss Manners suggests you simply give them "holiday presents" on neither holiday.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have seen a number of weddings on television, and each time I am surprised to see the ceremony end in applause. For what? For whom? For the adorable couple, I assume, and yet I feel upset that the solemn moment is treated as an entertainment. Does this surprising ovation occur in a church, too, or in a synagogue, or a mosque? I feel that applause is more appropriate in a theater.

What is your opinion about the practice of clapping loudly for the newly wedded pair?

GENTLE READER: That it is hardly surprising, now that weddings have turned into show business extravaganzas, fashioned to dramatize the personalities and courtships of the principles rather than to witness their entering into the tradition of the society.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 45-year-old mother of three, and about five years ago, I decided to start coloring my hair to cover up the gray. My color of choice is blonde.

The three hours I spend at the hairdresser every six weeks is the only luxury I have in my life. When I come out, I feel relaxed, young and beautiful. I get plenty of compliments. However, there are people who will point out to me that "that's not your real color." Usually, I laugh and say it's part of my midlife crisis, but I don't think I need to justify why I chose to go blonde, nor should these people be able to go away thinking that they were right in insulting a person.

Do you have any suggestions for polite, yet assertive responses that would gently yet firmly put these people in their place? I would never dream of commenting on a person's hair or clothing unless it was a compliment.

GENTLE READER: Would it be of any comfort to know that these busybodies are every bit as active advising those of us who do not color our hair to do so?

No, and it shouldn't be. Having other people pick over one's hair is revolting.

Miss Manners does not advise you to taunt a person who has just been proven to be rude. Your answer should be a soft, "Why, that's very kind of you to point that out."

The phrasing prompts the other person to say an automatic "thank you" that is choked off with the realization that gratitude is neither meant nor deserved.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a school administrator in the small community in which I live. The job is wonderful because it affords me the opportunity to work in a community that I know well and love.

However, it carries with it a serious loss of personal space. Over the past few years, more and more parents have begun approaching me in the grocery store, at my daughter's soccer games, while walking the dog, or when out for a quiet dinner with my husband, with questions about the district, their children's schools, teachers, grades, coaches -- you name it.

Many of their questions involve privileged information or have nothing to do with the work that I do. I was almost physically accosted one Sunday morning, in my sweats at the deli counter, by an irate parent who was unhappy about something that had occurred at her child's basketball game!

How do I reply to these comments and questions?

GENTLE READER: The best answer is "Hmmmm." It seems thoughtful and gives away nothing.

After a pause, you say to complainers, "Please write this up in some detail, so I can study it at a more appropriate time," and to questioners, "Please call and make an appointment to see me in my office."

Miss Manners trusts that as a school administrator, you know where she is going with this. No one wants to do extra homework or report to the office. But even if they do, you will have finished your walk and your dinner.

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