Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On the envelope of the Christmas card I sent to my cousin (whom I rarely see), I omitted "Dr." in front of his name. I instead addressed him as Mr.

I didn't intend to offend him. I just meant to send him good wishes for Christmas. Yesterday, I received from him a note that greatly offended me. He sent the same thing to my mother, who is 82 years old and a wonderful person and who cares for him very much.

Enclosed were a copy of his Doctorate of Philosophy degree, with "Doctor" and the year circled, and one of an envelope made out to him as "Dr." He wrote "Please note it is standard to use Ph.d. at the end or Dr. in front but not Mr. on the name of a person with a doctorate. You are only ones that use Mr. Thank you."

I am extremely offended. I feel like writing him back and asking for my Christmas card back.

GENTLE READER: No, no, it's Christmas time, and your poor cousin doesn't know that in the higher levels of the academic world, it is taken for granted that one has a Ph.D. and considered silly for anyone not in the medical field to use the title of doctor.

Miss Manners suggests a letter of apology that begins, "Dear Dr. Cousin."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm dreading the holidays. A few of our family members are self-employed (I'm one), and some of us are marketing relentlessly to the rest of us.

The mail brings envelopes that look like letters or packages, but turn out to be unrequested advertising and nothing else, not even a personal greeting. Any e-mail is certain to be a sales pitch, sent to a long list of victims (with not so much as a "Hi, Aunt Jackie"). We've been invited to sales presentations (politely declined) and bombarded by pitches.

The very worst offender declared that we "must" gather at her house for the holidays. I want to avoid spending the holidays as a captive audience for a sales pitch, but should I tell her why I won't come or just politely decline (again)? So far, I've just said something vague and changed the subject. I don't want to upset the rest of the family by creating a scene, but I don't want to be subjected to the sales pitches any more, either.

On a related note -- I'm self-employed, too, and I wouldn't send unrequested marketing material to my relatives, but where's the line? I'd like to share what I'm up to, which includes work, but is it rude to add an e-mail link to a Web site where others can see my work? I'd like to avoid being rude, or tacky, or (gulp) some combination of the two.

GENTLE READER: When Miss Manners was a budding young journalist, a fiercely strict distinction was made between news and advertising. They shared pages and cynical readers assumed that advertising dollars influenced the news, but honest journalists did not permit this.

By that standard, the question here is whether someone is telling family news or targeting relatives as customers.

The mailings are clearly entirely commercial in content, so even a "Hi, Aunt Jackie" would seem like the advertising gimmick of so-called "personalization." A mince-pie at the offender's house would not excuse a sales pitch. But as such people are unlikely to distinguish between hospitality and hustling, you will only antagonize them by adding an explanation when you send your regrets.

As for yourself, Miss Manners condones telling what you are doing but advises skipping the Web site connection. It sounds as if your family has been besieged enough.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the etiquette of giving or regifting a fruitcake for the holidays? Should I start a vicious cycle by giving someone a fruitcake? And should I get one, is it OK for me to regift it to someone else? What if I get one...what is the appropriate response?

GENTLE READER: Vicious cycle? And here Miss Manners thought it was a holiday tradition.

The proper response is to thank the people who gave it to you. And to remove the card before passing it on. After proper aging, it will eventually reach the two or three people in this world who love fruitcake.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would really appreciate it if you would put this up for your gentle readers to have a better understanding of those of us working retail.

We know the lines are long; please do not take out your frustration on us; we are moving as fast as we can without making mistakes.

We know we need to call for assistance if there are any unmanned registers; that is why we request it over the store's speakers.

Please pay attention to when we make the calls; demanding 10 seconds later that we call again is not going to speed things up. It may take 10 whole seconds for assistance to arrive from the other end of the store or for assistance to make itself available.

Please be patient; chances are good that the retailer you are waiting for was hired recently for holiday help and may not be proficient with the local registers/computers. We all have to start some time, and if we are unsure, it is safer to ask a manager about policy than let you have your way only to get written up for breaking it later.

We know there are many stores out there; please keep all of your receipts so that you are not left with a book from one store that you tried to return to a different bookstore. Yes, I assure you the inventories ARE different between stores, and that yes, they will refuse to honor each other's gift cards.

Please pay attention to who you call. There are many stores in the Yellow pages that are right above each other. The item you reserved may be in Peasanton or Pleasant Hill, and unless you are alert, you may end up reserving an item at the wrong store.

If what you ask is against store policy, please do not change tactics. No is no and the Corporate enforces these rules with audits. If it is not possible to acquiesce, becoming angry, defensive, insulted or louder than necessary will not get you your way. The "Customer from Heck" is a favorite gossip story among staff and you may be the day's top story over the water cooler.

GENTLE READER: Hang in there, Christmas rush will soon be over, and it will be time for -- returns! and sales!

Miss Manners is in tremendous sympathy with the drubbing people in retail get from those out to celebrate a festival of peace. She has observed the melee in the aisles.

With all her heart, she joins you in begging your customers to behave with the consideration, fairness and dignity that they expect in their working lives.

But she asks something of you which may be even harder. That is to remember that you are the grown-ups in this situation, and to remain calm and professional under trying circumstances.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: During the holidays, I usually receive numerous invitations to dinner from friends who know that I often elect not to travel to visit my family, all of whom live far away.

Occasionally one of my hosts comments that they invited me because they didn't want me to "be alone" over the holidays. One hostess even referred to me and several other of her guests as "orphans."

I try not to be offended by such comments, but if I had known their motivations, I would certainly have declined their invitation and accepted one of the others instead.

Am I being overly sensitive? Would it be acceptable, in response to such a comment, to hand the host my covered dish and say that, actually, I can only stay a short while as I have another gathering to attend?

GENTLE READER: No, but you can say enthusiastically, "Thank you. Christmas does give us all those warm impulses. I had the same feeling you did -- came here, as I'm sure we all did, because we didn't want you to be alone."

Then, as your hosts are spluttering for an answer, Miss Manners hopes you will add something charming about how nice it was of them to invite you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At this festive time of year, our office receives many tokens of appreciation from our vendors. I am told we do not acknowledge these gifts, as that is saying "thank you for the thank you."

I believe it is appropriate to send a brief note thanking the giver for thinking of us. Please let us know whether or not these items are to be acknowledged.

GENTLE READER: Yes. You realize what eludes many otherwise sensible people: that these are actual items, and therefore presents. Whether the motive of the sender is to thank, to advertise, to ingratiate, to court or to show off is irrelevant. And Miss Manners assures you that you needn't fear that this will go on forever. Your thanks, being a letter, will not require return thanks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The giving of gifts by elementary school students to their teachers at Christmastime can be embarrassing to those unable to buy gifts. At higher levels of school, gifts can influence grades, college recommendations and advanced placement to a serious, life-changing degree.

As a retired high school teacher and guidance counselor, I would prefer to see NO gifts to teachers at Christmastime, period. Gifts could be given at the end of a school year or following graduation. And I would agree that a simple handwritten "Thank you" kind of note is much more meaningful than any physical gift. I cherish the notes I have. Local PTAs should formulate suggestions for parental guidance.

GENTLE READER: Yes, they should, and Miss Manners has always insisted upon letters being better than apple-themed desk items, at any time of year. She also recommends individual, spontaneous giving into a fund for school use.

But the PTA of the school where you taught has a more urgent matter before it. If your casually mentioned but outrageously shocking charge that teachers there were being successfully bribed for academic favors is true, the PTA should be in emergency session.

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