DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am attending a "White Tie" ball. I was taught by my late father that White Tie included the tails, white pique shirt, vest and tie but should include white kid gloves, a white silk scarf, a top hat and walking stick. I have a link which really has the exact look that my father had.

I own all of this apparel, so it is not a problem to locate such items. Is it still proper to dress this way for a very formal event such as I mention above?

GENTLE READER: Your father must have been quite a well-turned-out gentleman, and Miss Manners rather regrets that on the rare occasions where white tie is still worn, the gloves (buckskin, rather than kid), hat and walking stick seldom accompany it.

However, as long as you don't line up with any gentlemen who are similarly outfitted and all start tipping your hats and twirling and tapping your walking sticks in unison, she would consider the full outfit to remain appropriate, not to mention dashing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I am at a dance with my dancing partner, and someone asks to "cut in," taking my place, do I have to agree to allow him in or am I allowed to refuse? When I refused, my partner gasped and said it was mean. Was I right, or was she right?

GENTLE READER: Do you have a daughter? If so, Miss Manners asks you to remember that when the young lady happily produces a suitor who has the courtesy to ask you for her hand, you do not have the option of refusing.

Nor do you on the dance floor, where you have even more tenuous custody of the lady. The request to cut in is made for courtesy only.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a bartender for private parties and I work for a wage and tips. My company does not allow us to put out a tip jar, and I think when they book the parties, they let the customer believe that our gratuity is included in the cost of the party.

We can accept tips, just can't put out a tip jar. So a lot of times, it is out of sight, out of mind.

Is there any polite way to inform the person in charge of the party that a gratuity would be appreciated without sounding like soliciting? I have racked my brain and cannot come up with a phrase. If they give me a lead-in, I inform them I take tips, but it is rare. Any ideas?

GENTLE READER: Here's one that springs to mind: The host is not going to be delighted to have you trolling for tips after he was led to believe that this had been included in the price of the catering.

Miss Manners is not lacking in sympathy for underpaid workers who are being stiffed by their employers. But cajoling money from unsuspecting people -- either the hosts or their guests -- is detrimental to the business, and not the way to solve it. Your grievance is with your employer, and your redress would be to insist, along with whatever other service people he employs, that he pay you all the full service fee, whether or not he charges it to the host.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I have been invited to one of his close childhood friend's New Year's Eve wedding. When he asked the bride what I should wear, her response was that the wedding was to be "quite a formal event -- lots of tuxedos and suits" and that I should wear "a cocktail dress," although she would be wearing "a ball gown."

Now, I am not completely clear on the demarcations of black tie, white tie, etc., but I do not think her answer was entirely consistent. What on earth should I wear?

GENTLE READER: Modern weddings are uniformly inconsistent, so to speak. The idea has taken hold that the wedding party must be dressed in at least one degree of formality higher than the guests, and sometimes the bridegroom is yet another degree more formal than his groomsmen.

Traditionally, it was never like that. If a wedding was formal, everyone came equally formally dressed; if it was less formal, or informal, that style applied to everyone present.

The explanation for having different levels of dress at the same wedding has always puzzled Miss Manners. It is so people can tell who is getting married and who isn't, she has been told.

But if they don't know, what are they doing there?

In any event, you are right that this bride is even more confused than most. Her idea of "quite formal" seems to include everything except gym clothes.

The best you can do is to pick one of the styles she mentioned, so that you and your beau don't look as if you happened to run into each other while headed for different events. If he wears evening clothes, you should wear a long dress; if you wear a short but dressy dress, he should wear a dark suit.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a final-year veterinary student, whenever someone asks what it is that I do, I invariably get a run-down on every pet they've ever had, their last five trips to the vet (including gripes about how expensive veterinary treatment is), and/or how they themselves were going to go to vet school once upon a time. Not to mention the inevitable hit for free veterinary advice, to which I always answer, "I think you should bring Fluffy to a vet."

The thing is, I foresee that this will only get worse once I'm actually a licensed veterinarian. Is there any way to circumvent this?

I don't fancy performing health checks for free, and while I do love animals, when I'm not at work, I do like having a break from them. Am I being terribly rude to decline checking poor Fluffy's itchy rash if I'm not there on a professional basis?

GENTLE READER: It is not only the free-advice cadging that creates this problem. That you seem to be handling well. The other standard reply, should the speaker persist in demanding your opinion, is "Make an appointment to bring Fluffy into my office, and I'll have a look."

But you still have to deal with the mistaken notion that people go to parties with the hope of being able to talk about their jobs. There may be bores who do, but the rest of us enjoy having time off and getting to know other people.

The flattering way to put this is, "Oh, I won't bore you with that -- I'm off duty and here to enjoy myself. Now tell me about yourself." This is an open-ended question that allows the other person to pick the topic. And let's hope it's not his own shop talk.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I rented a movie from a local video store while they were running a charitable promotion, which gave customers the option of adding a dollar to their purchase, which would be donated to the sponsored charity. The woman who rang up my purchase, the manager of the store, asked me if I wanted to donate a dollar.

"Not today," I replied. The woman shrugged and sighed, in the hearing of all the customers in line behind me, "Oh well, I guess some people aren't very generous."

Miss Manners, the cash I paid with was my mother's, which had been given to me for the video rental. I had no cash of my own on me to spend, and my mother was not in the store with me, so I could not have asked her permission to donate a dollar. I have given money to charity many times and would almost certainly have donated this time if I had had money of my own on hand, but I do not believe I have the right to spend another person's money without their permission, not even a dollar and not even for charity.

Furthermore, I frankly don't think it was any business of this woman's whether I chose to donate or not. When I worked in retail we ran similar charitable promotions every now and then. If a customer declined to donate, I kept my mouth shut and made no assumptions. I think it was incredibly rude of the woman at the video store to imply that I'm not generous because I didn't donate a dollar that day.

What would have been an appropriate response to her insinuation?

GENTLE READER: First, Miss Manners requires you to promise that you will say it in a quiet tone of sadness, rather than of anger. But you may interpret "quiet" as being just loud enough for the rest of the line to hear.

Then you say, "That's not a very charitable assumption, is it? After all, you don't know my circumstances, do you?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine that I knew in high school recently became engaged. She is 20 years old, marrying a man in his late 20s who has a child from a previous relationship. They are planning a wedding after he gets back from military training, and she is not only planning her wedding but preparing to move 15 hours away with him and his young child.

I personally do not approve of her marrying at such a young age and am concerned for her jumping into an "instant family" so quickly, since they haven't been dating for very long. It seems like nobody else finds this early and mismatched union strange except for me!

How do I respond to her excitement when she talks about her wedding? It wouldn't sit well with me to lie and tell her that I am "so happy" for her, nor would it be appropriate to express my disapproval. Help!

GENTLE READER: Can you squeak out, "I wish you great happiness"?

Surely this is true. Please don't tell Miss Manners that your lack of enthusiasm for the bridegroom and lack of belief in the success of the marriage translates into the hope that your gloomy predictions are right.

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