Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was wondering if you wouldn't mind reminding your readers that a sample is a sample -- a small part of anything or one of a number.

I work at an upscale gourmet market, where we will offer samples of new or different products to taste, and I have witnessed many people gorging themselves on samples. More often than not, people make a meal off of samples!

As a business, it cuts into the profit. I don't want to be rude, and cannot simply tell them that they need just to take one, and, if they like it, BUY the product! If we have to sample something, we gladly do it because it allows people to try something before the purchase. So please take one, and then move on!

GENTLE READER: You are asking Miss Manners to risk her life -- stepping between a freebie and people who are armed with metal shopping carts.

So while she is happy to comply with your request from a safe distance, her voice may be lost in the sound of carts crashing against your station. She is afraid that you will then have to remind them.

The gentle way to do this is to greet repeaters by asking them how they liked the product. Since they pretty much have to say yes, tell them how glad you are and then hand them the item packaged for sale.

You will have fewer people who simply grab if your store refrains from setting out samples as if it were a buffet table for guests. To retain control, while still seeming gracious, you should keep the supply out of reach, while saying "May I offer you a sample?" and proffering a tiny tray with just one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a good reply for someone who is inviting you to join their multilevel marketing company? I have no interest in such things; I find them abhorrent in every way.

I received an invitation to a "friendly get-together" to "receive information" about this person's MLM company of choice. My children and her child had a couple of playdates together, and our husbands are friends, but I have only been with her a couple times, and I have not heard from her in months. I have little interest in pursuing a friendship with her and since this "invitation," none whatsoever!

I am deeply offended by this invitation; however, I only e-mailed her back with the reply, "I will be otherwise engaged that day." I thought you would have a much more fitting answer.

GENTLE READER: What is wrong with "Thank you, but I'm not interested"? It is the obvious choice, but Miss Manners can't tell whether you believe it is not polite enough or not insulting enough.

The reply you did use was polite but did not do the job of discouraging that lady from trying another time, which Miss Manners gathers would send you over the brink. She congratulates you for refraining from sending a rude reply.

That you have a lack of interest in pursuing a social relationship with someone who is after you for business is understandable. But this proposition is not a social invitation, for which you have to pretend regret when you decline. Treat it as you would any business offer, by stating your lack of interest.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a remote-receptionist company. My co-workers and I answer calls for companies and individuals all over North America, and we do it well. We are bright, educated, friendly women; many of our clients tell us that their callers assume we are in-house receptionists. The callers have no idea we are answering from hundreds, even thousands of miles away.

Given the nature of our job, my co-workers and I simply have to be quick and skilled. We can give driving directions to a person in a city we've never visited. We know how to execute a flawless, "I'm so sorry, may I place you on hold a moment?" when a caller asks a question we can't answer. Then we get the answer and relay the information.

I am happy to work for a company that takes such good care of its clients and ecstatic to work with a group of lovely, well-mannered women. The only problem is this:

It often happens that a caller, somewhat overcome by having reached an actual human rather than a recording, begins to spout praise that simply will not stop. It is not uncommon, during the course of an average work day, to speak with someone who continues to say things like, "I can't tell you how refreshing it is to speak with a real, live person. And you are so polite, and have such a lovely phone manner! How long have you worked for this company? How are you being paid? I am looking for a receptionist..." and so on.

This is flattering, but (rude questions about salary aside) our clients are charged by the minute, so any extra time we spend making small talk with a caller is only kicking up the bill.

Could Miss Manners please suggest a humble, concise way of responding to such praise? I have found that a simple "thank you" is not enough to end the torrents.

GENTLE READER: Wait -- here comes another torrent. It is Miss Manners, overcome by the pathetic spectacle of customers overflowing with uncontrollable emotion because someone in customer service was actually willing to talk to them. And, as if that were not miraculous enough, you and your colleagues apparently go on to solve their problems, competently and cheerfully.

Miss Manners is not being cheeky here. She thoroughly identifies with your grateful customers. Recorded answers to standard questions are all very well, but when the question is not standard or the problem requires human thought, it is maddening not to be able to reach anyone.

(Apologies for joining the problem instead of first attending to the solution.)

You do have to get back to work, or others will not be able to reach you. That is what you must tell your admirers: "Thank you, but please excuse me now. I don't want to keep other customers waiting."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been yelled at for coughing/sneezing into my hand. I have also been yelled at for coughing/sneezing into my elbow. What is the correct way to cough/sneeze if I lack a handkerchief or tissue?

GENTLE READER: Eeew. Miss Manners does not approve of the yelling, but she certainly understands the revulsion that prompted it.

There is no correct way to handle this situation because it is an incorrect situation. Correct people always carry handkerchieves.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Now that it is spring, I am receiving the annual round of e-mails soliciting financial pledges for various walkathons, marathons and other sorts of -thons in support of illness-related charities. My friends do not have the illness they -thon for; usually it's a parent or sibling. I do not respond to these requests, if only because I have an expensive chronic illness of my own and extremely limited resources. I also have an ethical qualm about these charities. My illness has its own charity that sponsors a -thon, too; I am a member of that organization, but I have no idea how the thonning benefits people suffering from the illness.

Still, I feel callous for not responding; some of the requests come from people who have been at least emotionally supportive during my illness. Are the requests best ignored, or could I respond with a note expressing my best wishes, with thanks for their support?

GENTLE READER: But surely you have been thanking these people all along for their emotional support, and offering your own as it may be needed?

That you certainly owe, but not financial support of their causes, however worthy. You have your own, and they surely understand that when they do mass canvassing. No apologies or explanations are necessary.

But Miss Manners believes that you owe it to yourself to find out how the money is spent that you donate to the charity connected with your illness. Usually, it is marked to support research, rather than going directly to patients, but you should be able to get that information, as well as the figures on how much is first deducted for overhead, salaries and the event

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A neighbor of mine recently delivered an "extra batch" of her fudge that she was making for a bake-off. I was disappointed to discover that the fudge she had made came with walnuts, almonds and peanuts, all of which I am allergic to. Not wanting it to go to waste, I took it to work, where visitors to my cubicle were happy to help themselves.

When my neighbor saw me the next week, she asked how I enjoyed her fudge. I stated, "Unfortunately, I am allergic to the nuts that were in the fudge, but I'm sure it was spectacular." She was absolutely horrified by my response and called me "rude and ungrateful." I'm not quite sure what I had done wrong. How could I have better handled this?

GENTLE READER: You did not get off to a good start. "Unfortunately" is not the first word a benefactor wants to hear about her offering.

Granted that your neighbor should not have asked, and she certainly should not have upbraided you. But her original intention was to be friendly, and you opened with a negative reaction.

Couldn't you have rearranged your words? "I took it to the office, and everyone just loved it. I was so tempted, but unfortunately, I have an allergy to nuts." You could even have omitted that last sentence, unless you felt it necessary to head off future deliveries -- a problem you no longer have.

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