DEAR MISS MANNERS: Where are those elusive "dessert spoons" that you mention? I don't find them; the department store can't find them.

Are they hiding in my silver chest in the soup-spoon section? Are soup spoons an acceptable substitute, or are they one and the same?

This is a new one on me. I've always used teaspoons, salad forks and ice cream forks for desserts.

GENTLE READER: Well, we all do what we can to survive in primitive times.

Miss Manners remembers when the tablespoons now used for dishing out vegetables were individual soup spoons; the oval spoons now used for soup were dessert spoons (which sometimes came with small dessert forks and knives in attack-all-goodies sets), and no one would dream of using a teaspoon for anything but stirring tea.

As you have discovered, it has all been downgraded. One of these days we'll be pecking at our food with demitasse spoons and lemon forks. That is, those who are still able to master the apparently complicated skill of holding a fork.

In the meantime, there are two respectable ways of dealing with the situation. One is to revert to the method used before the mid-Victorian explosion of specialized flatware, and use two sizes for everything: a large oval spoon for soup and desserts, along with a large fork and knife for meat courses; and a smaller-sized knife and fork for appetizers, fish courses and, when needed, desserts.

The second method involves time, money and flea markets.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Twice a year I share a hotel room with another woman in our company for three to four nights. I think we should be thoughtful to one another when it comes to setting an early wake-up call.

She likes to rise extremely early to exercise, therefore waking me up one to two hours before I really want to be awakened. I am not exactly a light sleeper, but I cannot go back to a slumber after the alarm sounds.

She says everyone is free to sound the alarm whenever they please. I think she is being rude. What do you think? I need more sleep to function well at these conferences we attend. It makes the day really long when the alarm sounds at 5:30 a.m.

GENTLE READER: Really? She declares that all people, presuming including everyone in her hotel room, are free to sound the alarm whenever they please?

No, let's not go there. Miss Manners does not suggest that you follow the purported etiquette rules of someone who does not recognize any need for considering the well-being of others.

It is time for you to go to the person who handles arrangements at your company and request another roommate. Your point should be that the behavior of your present roommate prevents you from getting the rest that you need to be in top working form.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are amicably ending our 21-year marriage and keeping a good friendship we both prize. We are wondering how we tell friends of our pending divorce. (We have already told family.)

Our reasons for divorce are complex and personal. Is there an easy "answer" to the question of why we're divorcing?

GENTLE READER: You are divorcing "by mutual consent." That is the only reason that civilized people divorce.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We always gave all the support we could to school children on my doorstep raising money for one cause or another, even if we tossed out the candy bars, etc. But then things started to get out of hand in our neighborhood with children pushing and fighting on neighbors' doorsteps, arguing over who had the "right" to be there.

The last straw came for me when one of our neighbor's sons asked us for a pledge of 25 cents for each book he read during a two-week period, which we agreed to. Two weeks later, he appeared to collect my pledge, claiming to have read 500 books and I owed him $125. I refused and later made a donation directly to the principal, since I had intended to support the school.

From that point on, we no longer allowed our son to participate in any fundraising unless it involved work on his part. For all other situations, we made donations. We decided to set priorities for the charities and causes we wished to give to and made contributions directly to them. It has become a budget item each month, and we have control over what and to whom we give.

Anyone appearing on our doorstep receives a polite "No thank you," which I believe is the correct response to an invitation we wish to decline. I do not explain how I make donations or to whom, or even why I choose not to donate to their cause. Just a simple "No thank you."

I hope Miss Manners does not find this too blunt.

GENTLE READER: Not at all. You were too timid.

Not in the polite response you now give, which is the correct way to decline. What appalls Miss Manners is that you previously encouraged children to believe that the way to earn money is not by doing something useful, but to beg, and you were even willing to hire a child to read.

Miss Manners is well aware that many schools encourage, even require, children to ask outright for money instead of washing cars or making cookies or lemonade to sell, and that many parents bribe their children to learn.

But as you have discovered, this does not make it right. Aside from the rudeness and dishonesty that is engendered, it teaches the child that working and studying lack intrinsic value.

Miss Manners is glad that you have learned better, realize you are not forced to support this, and are doing better by your own child.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife insists on wearing her sunglasses when she goes through the aisles at the local major supermarket. I think it's rude to leave your sunglasses on inside a public place for that long. I think it's fine for the local quick trip into the convenience store, but for some reason, it irks me to be with her inside like that pushing a shopping cart around a big store. I think it comes across as arrogant and unapproachable (she isn't), but again, what do I know?

GENTLE READER: Apparently something that Miss Manners does not, which is why your wife needs to seem approachable in the supermarket. Unless she is shoving her cart into others' ankles, her fellow shoppers are likely to be too interested in the produce to notice or care.

What you need to know is that there are many reasons for wearing sunglasses other than their looking spiffy. Your wife may not have eye-related problems, but enough people do to remove the onus from sunglasses, other than mirrored ones worn with black leather to the breakfast table.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an elderly gentleman, of almost 71 years, who was lucky enough to be taught to read at an early age. As I matured, I developed into a compulsive reader, reading just about anything that bears the printed word. I do so with the general knowledge that if it was written, it was intended to be read.

At a public doing, I encountered a very well developed female at least thirty years my junior. She was wearing an exceptionally low top and displaying all of her natural attributes.

Each of her displayed anatomy parts were amply tattooed with words of the English language. They appeared to be clearly printed, though, being a gentleman, I did not read.

I have no knowledge of what they said. Possibly, they were names of her friends or perhaps instructions of some sort regarding a likely delicate matter.

Since this printing was in a public place, would I have been correct in reading the words, or was I correct in merely trying to look at her forehead?

GENTLE READER: You have given Miss Manners the opportunity to play Portia in "The Merchant of Venice." (You will recall that she was the legal authority who upheld the forfeit of a pound of flesh provided that no blood was taken with it.)

Yes, you are entitled to read publicly displayed signs. But no, you are not entitled to stare at a lady's chest.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a female college student who occasionally attends lunches or dinners with professional individuals that I am not previously acquainted with. Such meals usually require semiformal or business attire and may or may not include assigned seating.

Should I or should I not wait to be seated until a gentleman of the table offers to help me by pushing in my seat? I know that this is an appropriate gesture at formal meals for a gentleman when seated with a lady of his acquaintance, but I do not want to stand awkwardly by a chair until someone offers (assuming someone does) or appear pointedly rude by waiting too long.

On the other hand, I do not wish to seem ignorant of tradition or form a poor first impression, particularly as I may want to eventually form a professional connection with members of the table.

GENTLE READER: As a general rule, the social manners that distinguish between ladies and gentlemen do not apply in the professional context, even when that context comes with food and drink. If deference is shown, it is to rank, and not to gender, and students form the bottom rank.

Miss Manners realizes that certain gender-related actions are habitual with gentlemen, who will, for example, hold doors (or chairs) for their female colleagues. This should be accepted graciously, but it should never seem expected. Emphasize that you are there as a lady, rather than in your professional capacity, and the others will soon be expecting you to play hostess and bring the coffee.

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