DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have "one of those faces" people often find familiar, somehow. Friends have often "spotted me" in places I've never been. When I lived in L.A., strangers would say they saw me on TV shows.

Other than the boyfriend who insisted he saw me out with another man, my apparently numerous dopplegangers have caused few problems. But recently, while attending my daughter's softball game, I was approached by a woman who sat down beside me and my 3-year-old and asked, "Do you have another daughter. I said, yes, one that was playing on the team.

"No, another one," she said. No. "How about a son?" No. "Well, where do you work?"

At this point, I said I was feeling uncomfortable. I said. She looked at me as if she didn't believe me. "Anywhere else?" No.

"You look very familiar." She didn't look familiar to me, at all, but I thought saying so would be rude, so I just continued to watch the game.

"Where would I know you from?"

I was not about to give her a list of my personal affiliations. Not only was it none of her business, but I don't like discussing religion or politics with acquaintances, let alone complete strangers.

"I'm sorry, I don't know," I said. At this point, my daughter was going up to bat, so I was watching and cheering for her.

The woman pressed on. "Well, where do you live?" I told her my city. And she continued her questioning with, "Whereabouts in (the city)?"

I gave her a vague reference to our side of the city ("off of such-and-such highway" which could have been anywhere on the northeast side), and inadvertently drowned out her next question with our family's cheering for my daughter, who'd just had a hit.

I then started to say to her, "I'm sorry I can't be of more help," but she got up and left, as if she were angry.

I didn't think I was under any obligation to provide personal information to someone who was utterly unknown to me, and who was interrupting our family's enjoyment of the game.

Was there some better way I should have dealt with the situation? And, just out of curiosity, is there any kind of etiquette involved in approaching someone who looks familiar? In my past experiences, people at least offered some suggestions, such as "Do you attend this church?" or "Do your children go to that school?" But she offered me nothing. It was very strange.

GENTLE READER: You didn't think of offering her the explanation about often being mistaken for others?

Miss Manners agrees that your inquisitor was rude in her relentlessness. Two guesses, such as you suggest, ought to be the limit in such an inquiry, and then one should be obliged to give up. You are hardly responsible for the continuation of rudeness in that show of dissatisfaction.

But surely you could have spared yourself the ordeal by a pleasant admission that this happens often, and the firm statement, "And I don't believe we have met before."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a call center/sales position. When speaking to potential clients or offering customer-service on existing sales, is it improper to address them as Sir or Ma'am?

GENTLE READER: No, but many of them are so eager to be mistaken for youngsters that they don't realize that.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A husband comes home after a few months away on business. His two small children run up to him and he hugs them. He sees his dog waiting for the sign to come and get a hug from him. Husband pats his chest and the dog comes to him, gets a hug. Then the husband sees that his wife is annoyed because he has greeted the kids and dog first.

I think the wife should be OK to wait for the hug hello, after the kids and dog, because she is the only adult present in this scenario.

Question: Is there a husband-returns-home hug hierarchy? What if his mother was also present -- should she take precedence before the wife?

GENTLE READER: A young gentleman of Miss Manners' acquaintance once told her that his friend's father (whom she knew to be a debonair specimen of a culture she will not name) had instructed the two boys in the priorities in life. "First the mother," he said, "then the son, then the car, then the dog, then the gun, then the daughter, then the mistress...." and finally he got to the wife.

Miss Manners does not believe that this is such a case. But she does believe that the wife here thinks so.

That would be petty and petulant. In the absence of other evidence, such as the above-mentioned declaration or associated behavior, it should be presumed that hugs are distributed as the recipients present themselves, and not in any hierarchal order.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend's grandmother died recently. I had only met her once but wanted to be there for my friend and his mother, whom I had known for years.

I didn't think I would be able to show my respects at the funeral home, because it was during the daytime when my wife works and I am alone with the kids, and I didn't want to expose them to death at the ages of 3 and 6 years. Unexpectedly, one of my neighbors came home from work early, and, not wanting to impose any more than necessary, I asked her to watch the children while I went to the funeral home. My neighbor agreed to, but asked if I could be back as soon as I could.

I went to the funeral home in my shorts and a collared short sleeved shirt and was able to attend for about a half hour during visiting hours.

To this day, my best friend likes to point out that I showed up in shorts instead of a tie. I think that I had limited time and it was best for me to just be there, no matter my dress, for as long as I could.

Could you possibly let me know if being there was more important than being there dressed up? Even though I know in 20/20 hindsight that it really would not have taken long to change my attire.

GENTLE READER: You are trying to set Miss Manners up so that you can take the lofty position that what is in the heart is more important than what was on the hanger.

But that is not a proper choice. Clothes are a symbolic way of demonstrating on the outside what is in the inside, and somber clothes are traditionally worn in connection with bereavement as a sign of respect. Although many people violate this nowadays, your friend's reaction shows that it still carries emotional weight.

Your best chance of placating your friend is to drop the inside-outside argument and make the best of your time constraint when you apologize.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I attended the wedding of a close friend's son and dutifully selected a gift from their registration list. While wrapping it, I suggested that we include a note saying "We know you like the gift, so there is no need to write us a thank you note. Please enjoy."

This sentiment appealed to me because I hate writing thank you notes. We knew they would like the gift -- they picked it out. Why not save them a little time as a sort of second gift? My wife was not, however, at all supportive of this plan and it ended there. Later, the bride wrote us a very gracious thank you note.

Although I admit the idea doesn't feel quite right, if one applies the Golden Rule, it works. I would've appreciated receiving similar notes with our wedding gifts. And, as more and more couples virtually select their own wedding gifts, maybe this is an idea who's time has come?

I'm wrong, I suppose, but technically, why?

GENTLE READER: Because you are hoping to subvert an important and time-honored ritual, even though Miss Manners admits that it has already been nearly drained of meaning.

That presents have come to be thought of as payment for hospitality is a repulsive notion that means that we are selling one another our social company.

But if couples frankly started offering tickets for sale to watch them being married, Miss Manners doubts that they would have many takers. Once the sentiment is removed, people would realize that better entertainment, and probably better meals, are available elsewhere.

The sentiment comes from the thoughtfulness and generosity of the giver. As you have noted, gift registries kill the thoughtfulness part. You propose to kill the acknowledgement that there is still generosity involved.

Miss Manners cannot really blame you for thinking that there isn't much left to kill. But while even a part of it is still alive, she hopes that people will want to restore the meaning to this ancient ritual instead of just doing one another's shopping. Either that or dispose of present-giving entirely. When that happens, you will be thankful to hear that you will no longer have to express thankfulness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you think it is rude and disrespectful to start a response with "I don't mean any disrespect..."?

My friend wrote that to me before she wrote about how her husband being on deployment was not comparable to my husband being away for business. I was offended just because she wrote that. Am I wrong to feel she intended to put me down?

GENTLE READER: Ordinarily, Miss Manners would agree that "I don't mean any disrespect" -- like "Let me be honest with you" and "I have to say how I feel" -- heralds an insult. But there does have to be a way that friends can call attention to an unintentional hurt.

This seems to be such a case. When you compared the absences of your respective husbands, you were presumably referring to the loneliness and inconvenience that you and your friend are both likely to feel. What you overlooked is the difference that is bound to be uppermost in her mind -- that her husband is in danger and might not return. You do owe her an apology for that omission.

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