DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a senior in high school and also in theatre production class. When a cast list is posted, I don't always get the role I wanted.

What is the proper way to deal with this? Should I congratulate the person who got the role instead of me? Should I storm off angry or make it known that I am not pleased with this?

As I plan to pursue theatre in the future, it's important to know how to deal with this unpleasant event.

GENTLE READER: Are you under the impression that being rude is an asset in the theater?

Miss Manners suspects that you have been reading too many celebrity magazines. What you may have missed is that the actors first become stars and then indulge in bad behavior, which may be tolerated for the sake of the money they bring in. But even then, they run into problems if their fans get bored with their antics or they are considered difficult to work with.

The proper reaction, as you well know, is to congratulate the winner and cheerfully accept any part you may be assigned. If you cannot manage that, regardless of how you really feel, please see your career counselor; you are no actress.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While at a $100-per-plate fund-raiser last night, a woman with whom I am acquainted kept touching me. Throughout the course of the dinner, she stroked my long hair repeatedly, tried to hug me a couple times and firmly whacked my back multiple times after I coughed while sipping wine.

Each time (except for our initial "hello" hug in the lobby), I responded with "Please stop" or "Please don't" and pulled away. Finally, in a flat tone, I said "Boy, Jane, you're pretty touchy-feely tonight" to which she responded "But you're my friend."

I then said "Yes, but I am also a fan of personal space. Please stop."

The other women at the table heard this exchange. Although the nine of us at the table have known each other for more than 20 years, I wonder if I could have handled this better?

I also suspect I may have offended the woman, because for the rest of the evening, she complained somewhat loudly about the amount of rosemary in the food, and the perceived affluence of the night's auction winners based on their address, among other things. Is a note of apology in order?

GENTLE READER: Why? Did you sneak more rosemary in her food? Or fix the lottery to give your neighbors all the prizes?

Or did you merely indicate, even making it sound like a mere personal preference of yours, that she should keep her hands off you?

It is not uncommon for rude people to act offended when their rudeness is not tolerated. Miss Manners assures you that this does not make it rude to refuse to tolerate rudeness, as long as this is not done with retaliatory rudeness.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I believe I already know your stance on cash requests for weddings in lieu of gifts: that it is never appropriate. This may be a new wrinkle (although no doubt you've heard and seen them all):

My sister is remarrying at 50-something to another 50-something. Their fabulous, and expensive, wedding invitation states that they already have enough stuff and are requesting guests to " endow a chair."

At first, I thought I was being asked to fund some needy student's scholarship or deserving professorship. Then I noticed on the return portion of the expensive invitation, right next to meal choices, was a little box to check for the number of chairs I was willing to endow at $60 apiece.

I went off the deep end a bit, thinking, What next? BYOB? BYOF? Or perhaps we would just bring our own chairs, sidestepping the need for endowment.

Now, I'm in a quandary as to whether I'm allowed to attend the wedding and reception if I don't pony up $120 for my husband and I.

I'm sure the food and drink at the party will be wonderful, and expensive, but I already have a bad taste in my mouth. How does one politely respond to such a proposal? I would like to be on speaking terms with my sister for the next 50 years.

GENTLE READER: Actually, that is a new one on Miss Manners. And she hates to repeat it, knowing that there will be people who, far from being appalled at this astounding display of greed and vulgarity, will think, "What a good idea."

Why anyone would want to attend a wedding of people who think of them merely as customers is hard to imagine. But you are the bride's sister. It would behoove you to commiserate with her for having been reduced to such public begging. You might consider sending her a check, accompanied by a plausible excuse to cover sparing yourself the embarrassment of having bought entrance to her wedding.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I read your column frequently and find it to be both entertaining and educational. However, there is something I have always wondered about with respect to your responses.

It seems that, in nearly all of your replies (and in your suggested replies for others to use) when the message is expected to be not to the receiver's liking, you begin it with the disclaimer "I'm afraid that ...." Presumably, you are not truly and literally "afraid" in all such situations. So, what is the reason for this expression?

I can only guess that this expression is used to "soften the blow" of disappointment to the other by giving the (transparently false but polite) impression that you actually agree with the other person, but that "whatever-it-is" is not under your direct control, but rather something that you, too, must comply with because you are "afraid" to do otherwise.

Since this expression is not one that I grew up with, I would appreciate your clarification of its use and how it came to be this way. Thank you.

GENTLE READER: You are quite right in guessing that Miss Manners is not cowering in the corner when she dispenses etiquette advice. But neither does she give advice with which she disagrees.

The conventional phrase "I am afraid" refers, in these questions, to the fear that the other person does not like what he or she is being told. It is a polite way of saying "I feel your pain that -- hold still! -- I am about to inflict."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a very private person, and I believe that having good manners is important, so I work hard at being polite every day. I have had a co-worker for the last two years who keeps asking me what I'm "really like."

When this happens, I answer, "This is what I'm really like," until he gets tired of it and gives up. I have encountered other people who ask me variations of this same question, e.g. "What is the real you like?"

My co-worker has started saying with great pleasure if he ever hears me say something even vaguely negative or not entirely polite, "Now, there's the real you coming out."

I am getting frustrated with people who assume that my slip-ups and mistakes expose more of my real character than the manners I work hard at every day. I am getting tired of people who take my reserved demeanor as a kind of challenge.

Is there a way to politely get these kinds of people to leave me alone and stop prodding me like I am some kind of circus animal? I feel like they're hoping I'll crack one day and throw a fit, but I don't understand why.

GENTLE READER: Whole schools of unpleasant art have been built on the idea that only the ugly is real.

The same notion applied to people appeals to those who, like your co-worker, want to justify their own rudeness on the grounds that they are being natural, honest and true to themselves. As they undoubtedly are, more's the pity for the rest of us.

Manners, your colleague doubtless points out, are artificial. So are other forms of learned behavior, such as literacy, toilet training and, indeed, civilization itself.

You are quite right that such people are hoping that you will crack. It would be kinder to commiserate with them for having such a dismal view of humanity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a senior in high school who plays on our girls' basketball team. I've known most of my teammates for years, and, for the most part, we get along well.

However, there is one "quirk," if you will, that drives me crazy. Many of our girls sometimes make a huge and annoying fuss about the smell in our lavatory after someone uses it. The best way to describe it is how young boys react when one of them releases odor. The girls, some of them fellow seniors, will hoot, holler, fuss and laugh.

Maybe I'm making too big a deal and they're just joking, but I find this behavior both juvenile and insulting, as I expect it from my younger brother and his friends. Is there a tactful way to remind my teammates that although we're athletes, we're also young ladies, and that this is not the way to conduct ourselves in public?

GENTLE READER: Well, they are juveniles. And they may grow out of it -- if they don't decide that freedom consists of aspiring to men's locker-room behavior.

Be grateful that you are beyond this yourself, and not their mother. As Miss Manners is sure you know from observing your younger brother and his crowd, usurping that position would only drive them to grosser behavior.

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