DEAR MISS MANNERS: I gave a relative a pot of poinsettia as a hostess gift, thinking it was festive and appropriate for a holiday visit. The hostess received it saying "Thanks, isn't this poisonous?"

I was embarrassed and dumbfounded (managed to grit my teeth into an almost-smile and told myself to not mind -- but obviously I cannot "not mind it"!). I was also angry at myself for not having a glib reply.

Belatedly, a friend suggested "That's why we got it for you," but I doubt my ability to carry off cheeky responses with aplomb. Is there a remedial school somewhere for catty comebacks?

My husband claims that it is just sarcastic humor. I think it shows ill manners and ungraciousness. There shouldn't be room for sarcasm in thanks, except perhaps among very good friends who share the same sarcastic wit. And in a social situation, isn't it arrogant to assume that everyone will love and enjoy one's sarcastic wit applied liberally?

I probably would not be this miffed if the comment had been said by someone I have experienced as a nice person. In the few times I have been in social contact with this woman, she's had no qualms about sharing her critical opinions of anyone and everyone who is not in the room -- including people I like and respect and consider to be my friends. What could I have said at that moment?

P.S.: I researched poinsettias as soon as we got home, and found that there is a commonmisconception that poinsettias are toxic. They are not very toxic, but those sensitive to latex may suffer an allergic reaction, and, if eaten, poinsettias may cause diarrhea and vomiting in people and animals.

GENTLE READER: Then how about "You'll be fine as long as you don't eat them"?

No, Miss Manners supposes not. In spite of your research, you might consider this to be joking, which you have disallowed.

Fortunately, earnestness works just as well. You could have taken her by both hands, given her a look of deep concern and said, "You know I would never do anything to hurt you. I only hoped to please you." If possible, make your lip quiver when you say this.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our daughter-in-law constantly takes Christmas and birthday presents we give to her and our grandchildren back to the store and either trades them for something entirely different or gets cash refunds. Most stores will take returns without a receipt if a customer is demanding enough.

She does this without our knowledge and no one tells us unless we specifically ask where a present is. It is her thought that once a gift is given it belongs to the person and they can do as they please with the gift. Any thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Yes: Stop asking where the presents are. Your dissatisfied daughter-in-law is right about that.

You might, instead, ask your son-in-law for guidance about what might please the lady. However, since she also returns the children's presents, Miss Manners suspects that the answer might be that nothing pleases her except what she selects herself.

In that case, leave it alone and be grateful that you are not told about the exchanges or, worse, given instructions to do the exchange yourself. In a desultory way, the arrangement is working.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: The invitation to my office holiday party just arrived and I'm fuming. The invite says that I should bring "a spouse, significant other or date." Is it acceptable for the hosts to specify what categories of guests are permissible, or have these people stepped over the line?

GENTLE READER: Those poor people who were assigned to write the invitations! Miss Manners' heart aches for them.

They used to send these invitations in the names of employees and their husbands and wives. But then they began getting angry reactions from female employees and wives of employees who had not taken their husbands' names or who had, but wanted to be addressed by their own given names as well.

To avoid dealing with these complications of names and honorifics, there was a switch to the generic "spouses." This produced angry reactions from employees whose marriages had ended and who wanted to bring new interests, from employees whose marriages had not ended but who wanted to bring new interests and from employees whose interests had not ended but whose marriages had not begun.

So they added "significant other." This produced angry reactions from the single employees who were not significantly attached but who did not want to attend alone, so they added "date."

Now what are you fuming about? If you want to bring your nephew, your neighbor or your fourth-grade teacher, there are not likely to be objections.

They could have added that everyone could bring "a guest," but by this time, their nerves were shot. What if it turned out that some of the employees lived in menages a trois?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at the bank the other day to straighten out a statement issue and something odd occurred: As the gentleman tended to my business, his phone began to ring. And ring. And ring. Then it stopped. He then briskly wrapped up my business and bade me a good day.

I have three questions:

Did he exercise proper manners? I thought that in present day America, when one received a phone call one answered it, regardless of circumstances. Was I out of line to be utterly stunned by this turn of events. Is the end of the world nigh on?

GENTLE READER: It must be, if it is possible for you to believe it rude not to desert a live person -- and not just any person, but yourself -- who has come into someone's work place in favor of taking a telephone call.

True, someone should be taking that call. Miss Manners sympathizes with the caller, who is listening to a recording about how important the call is to the bank and being asked to punch an endless series of buttons that he cannot find while listening to the instructions because the buttons are in the part of the telephone he has to hold to his ear.

But this should not be done at the expense of leaving you sitting there while someone who presented himself later is helped.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: On two occasions, now, I have made the acquaintance of someone who had spent time in prison. One person admitted the fact right upfront upon our meeting. On the other occasion, the fact was already common knowledge in the social circle we share, and I learned it before meeting the person.

I am familiar with standard getting-to-know-you conversation questions such as "How do you make your living?" or "Where did you first meet your spouse?" But somehow "Soooo.., um, Charlie, um, what's it like in prison?" just doesn't have the right feel.

Is it acceptable to ask a former prisoner what he did time for? I've never heard any etiquette rules address the question. What would you advise as to what may and what may not be asked?

GENTLE READER: Personal questions to strangers are never safe. Consider yourself lucky if no one has yet burst into tears when you asked how she makes a living (because she's been on the job market for nearly a year) or how he met his spouse (because his spouse just met someone else).

But Miss Manners acknowledges that you could hit a new low in casual chatter by peppering someone with questions about his crime and punishment. She also acknowledges that nowadays, an amazing number of people do want to talk to mere acquaintances about matters one would think embarrassing, but you still have to let them ask.

You may be sure that someone who wants to talk about himself will find a way to work it into the conversation. The person who announced it upfront could have been asked a nonaggressive question, such as "How was it?" or "What were the circumstances?" If others are ready to talk, you need only say "Nasty weather we've been having" to allow them to reply "You have no idea how hard these thunderstorms are on cat burglars."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter will be in a society ball where the guest tables are quite expensive and must be reserved/purchased as a full table. Two tables of 10 will accommodate my immediate family and the mother and guest of my daughter's escort.

My dilemma is that two of my siblings are single. One of them has an on-and-off relationship. We are very fond of this sibling's friend. Is it wrong to invite the two siblings without specifying a guest?

GENTLE READER: Normally, Miss Manners is the first to say that before people accept or decline invitations, they should decide whether they would find the occasion, the hosts and the host's other guests' company sufficiently entertaining, and not expect to bring their own guests.

But this is a ball, which means that dancing is the main feature of the evening, not incidental, as at a wedding. You could line up friends who will ask your siblings to dance, but you cannot simply leave them to sit through the evening while others take to the dance floor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This is my first year in business for myself. I would like to show excellent customer care by sending Christmas cards to my customers whom I've worked for in the past year. Are there any specific rules I should follow so as not to offend my customers?

GENTLE READER: Rule 1 would be: Don't send Christmas cards.

Most people will not be offended, but neither are they likely to be charmed. Unless you are on particularly friendly terms with them, many will regard your card as another form of printed advertising. Even less charmed will be your clients who are not Christian, or who are, but do not celebrate Christmas.

Before you protest that you mean well (and everyone else protests at Miss Manners' horrid attitude), she has another suggestion. Write a short note of appreciation with your own hand, as a sort of end-of-the-year appreciation, and say nothing about Christmas.

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