Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I parked my car in a public parking lot, I noticed a car had a bumper sticker that read, "If you have nothing to say, just shut the

up."

It could have used the H word, which I would not have objected to, but rather, it used the F word -- all 4 letters of it. If the person wanted to put that in some private location, fine -- but I thought exposing it to children (among others) in public view was inappropriate.

Since it was easily removable, I did so -- and threw it away.

I suppose I could have dropped it inside the driver's window with a note -- but someone that insensitive would surely have ignored my objection and put it right back. Waiting for the person to show up and confronting him/her was neither appropriate (who knows how long before he/she showed up) nor, these days, safe.

Yes, the First Amendment probably would say this was an illegal action on my part. How would you have handled it? (I could keep some paint in my car to paint over such situations, but that seems rather silly.)

GENTLE READER: Here is what strikes Miss Manners as silly:

Appealing to an etiquette authority to condone petty vandalism, and fantasies of worse.

Making light of the First Amendment to a journalist.

Miss Manners is no more charmed than you by the widespread public use of obscenities. However, she paid attention in civics class, which apparently not everyone did. So she knows that the protection of free speech means the protection of offensive speech.

Mind you, she condemns foul language. She just refuses to condone or to use foul behavior to do so. If you wish to protect children, she urges you to refrain from using objectionable words, even under stress; train your own children not to do so, and intelligently explain to them why it bothers you when other people do.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are your suggestions for ways to handle telephone solicitors for charities? I never heard of many of these organizations, and in any event, I've read that some fund-raisers may keep the lion's share of donations.

After verifying my name, each solicitor rattles off a long, prepared speech about the vital work of the charity. I wait until they reach the part about which donation level "best suits my needs," and reply: "Thank you, but I don't respond to telephone solicitations. Good luck with your campaign." Then I hang up. Despite their uninvited intrusion, I don't wish to be impolite to these people, but is there a way to cut their fund-raising spiels short?

GENTLE READER: Sure: Give the same speech you already give, but give it earlier -- the very minute that you realize that it is a solicitation. Miss Manners considers it a courtesy to the caller not to make him recite the entire speech when it is doomed to produce no result.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A married couple, both good friends of mine, are going through a very rough time financially. Together, they made some bad decisions that led to their current financial situation; those decisions originated with her.

She periodically writes about her financial difficulties in her weblog, which I read. She also writes frequently about things such as new purchases, and her husband getting angry with her for buying more.

They're both deeply distressed by their situation. Unfortunately, she seems to use "retail therapy" to relieve her discomfort. My friends are both unhappy, and her coping mechanism makes the problem worse.

I am distressed by my friends' pain, and by the fact that my very bright friend seems to ignore the connection between spending and debt. It's not quite bubbling about new purchases and complaining about their finances on alternate days, but close.

I see two opposing choices: Be polite and keep quiet, or be caring and speak up. Is there a middle ground? Is it possible to offer unrequested advice without being offensive? If it makes a difference, what I want to suggest is that they see a debt counselor.

I do see the irony of requesting advice about unrequested advice.

GENTLE READER: You might also take a look at the irony, or rather the futility, of advising people who overspend that they would be better off financially if they spent less. Few of them reply, "Thank you, I hadn't thought of that; I'll try it."

True, you are suggesting that your friends buy this advice, presumably along with specific suggestions for cutting down. Some people do shape up when they are charged for being told.

But Miss Manners notices that your friend does not make such connections. And her husband has already critiqued her expenditures for free.

It should make it easier to refrain from offering unrequested advice to realize how unlikely it is to be followed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At what age are kids too old to go trick or treating?

Adults enjoy putting on costumes, and dressing up, but how many youngsters have a chance to attend costume parties?

My husband and I enjoy admiring cute tykes and their costumes, but have been just as accommodating to the older or larger trick or treaters as the cute little ones, even those who obviously made their own costumes from just cut or painted shirts and some face make up and carrying pillowcases (without trying to second-guess their ages or whether or not they expected a large enough "haul" to fill a pillow case).

My granddaughter said she wasn't going trick or treating this year, but she still wants to dress like a character she admires; so she is taking her little sister around the neighborhood.

Although the older sister is just 12, she is about 5 inches taller then me and a smidge taller than her mother and better developed then I ever was, so she would surely garner comments about being too old to trick or treat. But we don't think she is too old to also want a little fun!

GENTLE READER: Even more than she admires your attitude, Miss Manners appreciates the resourcefulness of your granddaughter. There could hardly be a better excuse for a post-tyke to dress up and go trick-or-treating than escorting a tyke or two. Etiquette hint: Let the little ones get their candy first.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a question regarding the following scenario:

Person A: Do you know where Main and 129th is?

Person B: Yes, I know where that is.

Person A: We're having a class alumni meeting at 7 p.m. tonight at Strawberry Hill Church.

Person B: OK.

Later on, Person B realizes that they can't make the meeting. Person B decides to send Person A an e-mail. In the e-mail, Person B tells Person A that they can't make the alumni meeting and would Person A let them know what went on at the meeting and when the next meeting will be.

Person A never responds. Other people have heard from and spoken with Person A, but Person B has never heard from Person A again. Person B begins to feel that maybe sending Person A an e-mail wasn't the right thing to do.

GENTLE READER: Or maybe being such a smart aleck about receiving information was an annoying thing to do.

Miss Manners' guess is that Person A is understandably weary of Person B's lame humor of pretending not to understand the obvious meaning beneath literal questions and statements and has resolved not to be subjected to more of the same.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a freshman in college, and it frankly hasn't been the best experience of my life so far.

So far, I haven't made any new friends or done much at all outside of classes (I'm trying!). It's a little upsetting for me to think and talk about, but I suppose I cannot expect people to know that beforehand.

What should I say to non-close acquaintances such as my parents' friends when they ask how college is going? It would be painful to tell the truth and have them ask questions, but I don't want to talk about imaginary friends either.

GENTLE READER: The purpose of such questions is not to probe into your social or emotional life. It is to start a conversation, or, more likely, to give the questioner an opportunity to say something about his or her own college experience.

Therefore Miss Manners recommends an all-purpose opener such as, "Well, it's not exactly a breeze, but it's interesting."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a wedding and dinner. The wedding had been planned for months, and I was not originally invited, nor did I expect to be. I do not know the bride or the groom, and know the bride's mother casually at best.

I was invited, along with other casual friends, because there had been a number of cancellations to the wedding, and the dinners were going to be wasted.

I agreed to go to fill a seat, so to speak. In this situation, should I take a wedding gift since I don't know the bride, groom, or most of their families? The happy couple own their own home and have lived together for years.

GENTLE READER: Why are you going to this wedding, since you hardly know the people involved? Supernumeraries are paid to fill out professional exhibitions, Miss Manners has heard, but weddings are supposed to be attended by those with some emotional tie to the families concerned.

You have already accepted, however, which requires you to behave like a wedding guest. Your present can be small, but you should send (not take) one.

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