DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I have attended several weddings of heterosexuals in Wisconsin, which, ironically, passed the first statewide Gay Rights Bill in the 1980s and now bans so-called gay marriages. My partner doesn't like the fact that I now boycott straight marriages instead of attending them. His mother thinks it's selfish.

I have said that until I see straight folks actively support our right to marry, I'm certainly not going to add my support (and gifts, etc.) to their marriages.

It's not about spite -- it's about fairness, equality and wanting the same opportunity, and too many of them don't get it. Until they do and start contacting their government officials, nothing will change.

Why shouldn't I boycott straight marriages?

GENTLE READER: Because you are insulting people who presumably care about you (or they wouldn't be inviting you to their weddings) by declaring that you grudge them the same sort of happiness that you want for yourself. And because snubbing people is not the way to get them out working for the cause.

If you take both seriously -- the friendship and the cause -- Miss Manners recommends being a gracious guest, and then adding, when you praise the wedding on a later occasion, "My dream is to be able some day to invite you to my wedding here."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one respond to an open-ended "Please let us know when you are free" dinner invitation?

The requester is a younger chap, who I have helped/advised in our large agency, but I was startled to receive an e-mail inviting my wife and me to dinner "anytime next month."

May I properly fudge the truth and say " next month is hopelessly busy" (which is true), "and I will get back to you later when we might see some daylight," which is not? I know it's another example of folks mixing business and pleasure, but I certainly don't want to be incorrect in reply.

GENTLE READER: Not everyone approves of fudge. The strict and literal minded would consider it a lie to say one was busy when one was not; indeed, a passive lie not to volunteer that one never expected to be reduced to accepting such an invitation.

But Miss Manners loves fudge. Not elaborate, made-up stories, mind you. Those are unnecessary, and it is bound to be discovered that you are not really trying out for the Olympics and/or having your knee replaced on the day you claimed.

But such vague statements as you propose, along with your thanks for the thought, put the virtue of sparing others' feelings above the virtue of blabbing everything you think.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a text message from an ex-girlfriend who volunteered me to cook for a benefit for one of her friends whom I do not even know.

We talk on a very limited basis and we are dating other people. When I received the text message, I was very surprised and did not know how to respond. At the very least a phone call would have been appropriate. Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Chiefly that it is easy to see why this relationship is defunct. The only obligation Miss Manners considers that you have here is to inform those in charge of the benefit that the lady was not authorized to speak for you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was visiting friends, I perused my hotel's list of recommended dining establishments. Each restaurant listed their dress code and, to my consternation, I found each of the following variations:

Elegant

Dressy

Coat Preferred

Coat Suggested

Casual Elegance

Dressy Casual

Smart Casual

Casual

The last is self-explanatory, but, as a lady concerned with her appearance, if I were to adhere rigorously to the other codes, what in heaven's name would I wear for each one that would be appropriate, but yet would not enter into the pitiable state of looking over or (perish the thought) underdressed? What would I ask my beau to wear?

GENTLE READER: Wait -- are you allowing the word "casual" to pass? Miss Manners loathes it.

She assures you that your confidence that plain "casual" is self-explanatory is misplaced. To some it means blue blazers, to others, gym clothes or few clothes.

But worse than that is the way it is used to brag about not making an effort to fit in with the plans of others. If you hear someone mention being "a casual sort" of person, do not expect ordinary courtesies.

Accordingly, Miss Manners is in sympathy with establishments and private hosts who try to do things nicely, only to have clients or guests who refuse to make the smallest effort of their own. But the proliferation of improvised terms to replace the standard "formal" and "informal" keeps getting sillier.

"Casual elegance"? "Dressy casual"? Oh, please.

You should wear a suit or a dress and ask your beau to wear a suit. Not because any of these instructions make sense, which they do not, but because you would look nice for the ceremony of going out to dinner.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a regular cleaning woman who seems to consider her time in my home to be a social visit. She does not appear to notice that I am eating my breakfast and attempting to read the newspaper, or am engaged in any other private activity, but continues a steady stream of conversation in my direction the entire time she is working.

As my house has an open floor plan, there is nowhere to escape to other than locking myself in the bathroom or leaving the house entirely, neither of which would be my choice for how to spend my morning. Although I'm happy to exchange a few pleasantries with her when she arrives, this is beyond the pale. I should say this does not affect the quality of her work, so I'd prefer to keep her if possible. Is there a polite way to discourage this verbal barrage?

GENTLE READER: In a domestic setting, people do often feel compelled to entertain each other. It is possible that your cleaning lady is starved for conversation, but Miss Manners would not be surprised to hear that she is wondering how to go about her work politely when you seem to be at loose ends, just reading the newspaper.

You could be doing both of you a favor by putting a stop to this, saying firmly, "Well, nice chatting with you. I suppose you want to get to work, and I'm going to concentrate on the newspaper."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I parked my car in a public parking lot, I noticed a car had a bumper sticker that read, "If you have nothing to say, just shut the

up."

It could have used the H word, which I would not have objected to, but rather, it used the F word -- all 4 letters of it. If the person wanted to put that in some private location, fine -- but I thought exposing it to children (among others) in public view was inappropriate.

Since it was easily removable, I did so -- and threw it away.

I suppose I could have dropped it inside the driver's window with a note -- but someone that insensitive would surely have ignored my objection and put it right back. Waiting for the person to show up and confronting him/her was neither appropriate (who knows how long before he/she showed up) nor, these days, safe.

Yes, the First Amendment probably would say this was an illegal action on my part. How would you have handled it? (I could keep some paint in my car to paint over such situations, but that seems rather silly.)

GENTLE READER: Here is what strikes Miss Manners as silly:

Appealing to an etiquette authority to condone petty vandalism, and fantasies of worse.

Making light of the First Amendment to a journalist.

Miss Manners is no more charmed than you by the widespread public use of obscenities. However, she paid attention in civics class, which apparently not everyone did. So she knows that the protection of free speech means the protection of offensive speech.

Mind you, she condemns foul language. She just refuses to condone or to use foul behavior to do so. If you wish to protect children, she urges you to refrain from using objectionable words, even under stress; train your own children not to do so, and intelligently explain to them why it bothers you when other people do.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are your suggestions for ways to handle telephone solicitors for charities? I never heard of many of these organizations, and in any event, I've read that some fund-raisers may keep the lion's share of donations.

After verifying my name, each solicitor rattles off a long, prepared speech about the vital work of the charity. I wait until they reach the part about which donation level "best suits my needs," and reply: "Thank you, but I don't respond to telephone solicitations. Good luck with your campaign." Then I hang up. Despite their uninvited intrusion, I don't wish to be impolite to these people, but is there a way to cut their fund-raising spiels short?

GENTLE READER: Sure: Give the same speech you already give, but give it earlier -- the very minute that you realize that it is a solicitation. Miss Manners considers it a courtesy to the caller not to make him recite the entire speech when it is doomed to produce no result.

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