Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please tell me what the proper etiquette is when one sees a neighbor's belongings tossed into the street because their house was foreclosed? Several houses in my neighborhood have been foreclosed in recent months, and things being what they are this situation is likely to happen again.

Do I look away and pretend nothing is happening? Invite them over for dinner? Is there some kind of protocol for offering assistance in this situation? My mother never covered foreclosure manners with me.

GENTLE READER: Pretending not to notice that an acquaintance is misbehaving may be tactful -- but pretending not to notice that an acquaintance is in trouble is just plain cruel.

Miss Manners assures you that the neighbor sees you perfectly well, and concludes that his misfortune has made you cut him.

But then, again, you don't want to be nosy. Please go over and just say how sorry you are and how much you would like to be of help -- offering dinner, storage of their things, or what other assistance would be useful.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I agree with you entirely that it is rude to text while out with friends or family. It should not pull you away from real life, but instead, be a form of communicating when necessary.

That being said, I strongly believe in telephone calls and think that is the best way to communicate. If one of my friends does not answer the phone, I always leave a message and expect to hear back from them within one or two days.

Lately, one of my friends of 10 years and more has not responded to three of my voicemails, but texts me approximately two weeks after my third message and says "I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you. Let's make plans." When I try calling her back again, she does not answer me for one to two days and then texts me again.

I understand that we get busy every once in awhile and sometimes need our space that I can respect. But this "new fad" is getting to me. How should I respond the next time I see her, if at all?

GENTLE READER: Fads come and go. But new methods of communication are not going to disappear.

Miss Manners only wishes, as do you, that people would realize that the old ones needn't disappear. True, the Pony Express hasn't come by for a while, but even the handwritten word is still available for those of us who choose to use it.

Ideally, we should all be fluent in all forms, choosing the right one for each use. But people do tend to have their favorites, and because texting and telephoning are both suitable for making plans, you cannot really fault your friend. She is, after all, asking to make plans for the best form of communication between you -- a face-to-face visit.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: There are two homes I visit regularly, my brother's and a best friend's. I'm always welcome in both places and feel fortunate to be close to both households.

But when I visit them in the winter, both homes seem cold to me. I know that they want to save money by having the heat turned down, but I find it difficult, especially at night when I would like to be able, once the household has retired, to get comfy in bed and read for awhile before falling asleep. Unfortunately, the only moderately comfortable position is under the covers with the sheet and bedspread pulled up around my head.

I have a small space heater with a thermostat that allows me to set it at a specific temperature, such that it turns off once the desired temperature is reached. I sometimes use it in my own home.

Would it be appropriate for me to bring it with me to use in the guestrooms when I'm visiting? I assume I should inform them that I'd like to bring it. What is an appropriate way to do this?

I love these people dearly and feel I should be able to approach them with this, but I do not want to hurt them by suggesting that I'm not comfortable in their home. They are in all other ways quite generous and warm with me.

GENTLE READER: Warm-hearted and warm-blooded they may be, but simply announcing that you plan to show up toting your own heating system would throw them into retroactive misery. They would be suddenly realizing that you must have been miserable during all your previous visits.

Miss Manners would prefer that once you are there, you say, "I've been feeling the cold a lot lately; may I please have another blanket?" But if you insist, you can use that "lately" bit, as if it were a peculiarity of yours, to add, "So I've been traveling with a portable heater."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Recognizing that comportment standards in air travel have slipped considerably since the days of traveling only when fully clothed, I wonder how to handle a situation which has surely troubled many passengers:

What does one do, on a fully occupied plane, when seated in proximity to someone snoring loud enough to wake a baby?

Fellow passengers and I exchanged thin smiles and shared disgust, but beyond the rambunctious tray-lowering by the passenger seated behind, is there anything you can recommend?

GENTLE READER: Usually you can depend on the baby to take care of this.

And please hold the disgust. It is difficult but important to remember that people do not snore (nor babies generally cry) on purpose to annoy their fellow passengers. They do not even realize that they are snoring.

This does not make noise any more tolerable, but it should prompt a more tolerant approach. Slamming things around didn't work, and probably contributed to the other passengers' annoyance. Miss Manners would prefer that you tap the snorer gently and say, "Are you all right? I'm afraid you were making noises in your sleep, and a number of us are concerned about you."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: The holidays mean that friends and family fill each other in on the year's happenings. For the last few Christmases, I have had the same boyfriend. It was getting very serious and my relatives really liked him.

We have since broken up, and it was not pleasant. Now all my family members ask about him, since they haven't yet heard the news of the split. It's still painful to discuss, and so, I'd rather not.

How does one politely deflect inquiries as to his whereabouts, or worse yet, relationship criticism and advice from well-meaning aunties and uncles?

GENTLE READER: Holiday gatherings are too long for hit-and-run conversations. Say "It's over, and I don't want to talk about it," and Miss Manners assures you that it will inspire questions about why you don't want to talk about it, and advice about resuming the romance or finding someone else.

Worse, explain why it's over and they will be at you for being "too picky" -- and this from people who think that you are so wonderful that no one is quite good enough for you.

Why? These are well-meaning relatives, so why would they hang on to a subject that annoys you?

Because they want a connection with you and feel it ought to take the benevolent form of giving you wisdom from your elders, even on subjects they know nothing about and that you do not want to discuss.

So provide another topic: "Everett? Oh, that's completely over. But tell me, Uncle Will -- you know about real estate. I'm trying to decide whether to rent or to buy." And "I've almost forgotten him, Aunt Barbara. Now I know you and I are not quite in the same field, but how important do you think it is to get a graduate degree now, or should I get some work experience first?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Someone gave me a gift and when I opened it, I saw that it was an item I already have. Just as I was starting to smile and say thank you, the giver asked me directly if I already owned the item.

I said that I did, because I didn't want to lie. Was my behavior improper? If this happens again, should I say I do not already have the item so that I do not deflate the joy of the giver?

GENTLE READER: You do not have to answer a question just because it was asked. Miss Manners keeps trying to teach that to those who nevertheless do and get themselves into social trouble.

You could drown this inquiry out with squeals about how much you love it. Then, again, there is always "Yes, and I've always wanted another."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When receiving a Christmas gift, either by mail or in person, what is the proper etiquette concerning "thank you" notes? Is a note of thanks a necessary response to a Christmas gift or is it just a polite gesture?

GENTLE READER: What do you mean "just" a polite gesture? Giving you the present was a polite gesture. Most of what makes life enjoyable are pleasant gestures and the sentiments that inspired them. Miss Manners is not going to assist you in rude-ing down life. Write those letters, please.

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