DEAR MISS MANNERS: I write to you to ask about the balance between community responsibility for children without visible parents and politeness.

I had large numbers of unaccompanied children to my door for trick or treating. Not one of the unaccompanied children (nor several of those with parents) said thank you in response to my candy.

One even went so far as to declare, upon my opening my door, that I have a "messy house."

These children all live in my apartment complex, where it is safe for them to wander alone, but I'm not sure how to deal with outright insults like the messy house comment, or impoliteness like not saying thank you.

I didn't say anything about the lack of thank you, but I did respond to the mess comment with a rather miffed "excuse me?" and had to resist the urge to take back the candy I had just given the girl who should have been old enough to know better than to make such comments.

In response to my excuse me, Miss Neat Police eventually said "trick or treat," and ended with "Happy Halloween" but not thank you. Please advise me about what to do next year.

GENTLE READER: Maybe go to the movies that night.

You know that Miss Manners sympathizes with you about the need for children to learn manners. She also believes that the community can help.

But not by grabbing them in the middle of a candy frenzy and chastising them. That will only make you known as The Mean Lady in 705.

If you truly want to influence them, you will have to make friends with them. You could invite one or two over for a treat and slip in a few mild directives: "I hope you like the cookies. When people say 'Thank you,' that's how we know it was a good idea to offer them. Or if not, they can say 'No, thank you.' Now tell me more about your game coming up."

No doubt this is more than you bargained for. You wanted to snatch the candy back, or perhaps to snap at the children or their parents that they have no manners.

Aside from being rude, this would be ineffective. So you might want to look at the movie schedule next October.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just saw a post on my (pregnant) cousin's Facebook page that is beyond an embarrassment. I would love to hear your comments so that I can share with her your thoughts and how unbelievably rude and tacky her post was. Here is what she wrote:

"If you are not able to make it to my baby shower or I wasn't able to invite you because of limited space but you still want to get me a gift, I am registered here, where you can buy online and have it sent by mail!"

GENTLE READER: Nice offer: I've forgotten about you, but you might want to remember me.

That is Miss Manners' thought, but she cautions you that to repeat it for the sake of triumphing over your cousin would be rude.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My immediate family and our extended family members went out to eat after my daughter won second place (princess) in a county fair competition. My sister was going on and on about how she had picked the girl who won the first place (queen) position.

I thought this was terribly rude and insensitive to my daughter. To us, what she was saying was that she agreed with the judges that my daughter didn't perform well enough to get first place.

I determined that my sister had no idea she was being rude and insensitive, so I decided to ask her a question by making an analogy. I asked her, "Would you be saying this if it were your daughter?"

She got quite indignant, turned her back to me and hasn't spoken to me since. She thinks I was being rude by "involving her daughter"! I was simply making an analogy.

My mother thinks my daughter and I are "too sensitive," which to me is her way of justifying my sister's poor manners. In another setting, I'd have no problem with anyone expressing their opinions on the contest, but certainly not in front of my daughter. What do you say?

GENTLE READER: What does your daughter say?

Disputed claims to the throne, family factions breaking out in public, everyone feeling free to air criticism of her -- now she knows what it is like to be a princess.

Miss Manners didn't care for your sister's comment any more than you did, and she also dislikes the "too sensitive" put-down. But her first thought is how unpleasant it must have been for your daughter to have a luncheon that was supposedly in her honor turn into a family scene.

Your desire to defend your daughter is admirable. But it would have been better to have considered the effect on her feelings, not only of your sister's remark, but of your own. It made an issue of what might have simply passed, and it suggested that you were objecting only on the basis of family loyalty and not because your daughter performed so well.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Yesterday I had lunch with 11 other women. We were seated at a large round table. The waiter put a basket of rolls in the middle of the table.

When I wanted to take a roll, I realized that I could not reach it with my hands, nor could the other women. I used a clean fork and was able to "spear" the roll I wanted quickly. One woman looked at me in disgust and said that my "boarding house reach" was "unladylike" and she found my behavior offensive.

I told her to just get over it. Do you think that what I did was a "no-no" and, if so, how should I have handled it?

GENTLE READER: By asking that lady to pass the butter, please.

Yes-yes, it was a no-no. So is dressing down one's luncheon companions and, for that matter, serving bread that out of reach. If no waiter was in sight to put the basket within reach, your asking whether anyone could pass it would probably have inspired someone -- or permitted yourself -- to stand up and take the basket rather than to go roll-fishing.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriend moved in with me and, overall, things have been great. She is a student and was looking for a job in the beginning of summer but she couldn't find anything and took the summer off.

It's not my business if she doesn't want a job; she had a stressful school year and she has money saved away. But I work a couple part-time jobs and I am writing my thesis, and I don't think she is very respectful of my commitments.

I largely work from home, and I see her all day. For most of the summer, I did my fair share of the housework. But I've been getting busier as deadlines approach, and I just don't have the time now. I still do what I can, but I definitely have been shirking some of the chores, and she's been getting upset. However, when she asks me directly, I'll usually cave and stop working to do the chore.

I'm not constantly working -- and it feels even harder to resist if all I'm doing is reading a book for fun or watching TV -- but my schedule is busy enough that if I'm not working, no matter the time of the day, I'm taking a break from work and I'll have to go back to it in a few minutes.

I have a lot of enticement to procrastinate; all my work is large projects, and I don't have much or any oversight. It sometimes seems ridiculous for me to insist I have to work right now for something due in a week and that I can't wash the walls or go to the Laundromat.

However, all these little diversions add up, and I often have trouble jumping back into work. Is it wrong that I would expect her to do the cleaning that she thinks needs to be done, even if she's doing more housework than I am?

GENTLE READER: The person you need to talk to here is not Miss Manners, as if she had some one-size-fits-all formula for dividing household chores or an objective way of knowing the best uses of your and the lady's time.

When adults live together, in whatever capacity, this is something they must settle between themselves. The system of gender division is not yet totally obliterated, but she does not recommend it. Better systems are based on each person's abilities, preferences, other responsibilities and, if they truly respect each other, their quirks.

But that is assuming that each enters the bargaining with good will, and not a determination to do as little as possible.

Miss Manners repeats that she has no way of judging your justification, nor has she heard that of the other person concerned. But she would advise you to open negotiations by volunteering what you are able to contribute, not stating what you feel you cannot do.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When invited to someone's home, should the invitee or the inviter be the first to issue a greeting?

Should the first thing the invitee do is make a comment about the flies?

GENTLE READER: Even before the inviter says, "Please shut the door -- you're letting in flies"?

Miss Manners believes that host and guest should both be exclaiming how glad they are to see each other with such enthusiasm that it is impossible to tell which of them began. And "You've got flies!" is not a proper greeting, even if a considerate guest on intimate terms might volunteer later to go after them with a rolled-up magazine.

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