DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know the reason why people put napkins on their lap at restaurants. I mean what's the actual reason for doing so?

GENTLE READER: To catch the gravy on the way down. To have a mop easily at hand in case of sloppy dinner partners or waiters. To cover the fact that one is holding hands with one's dinner partner. And because it is not always convenient to keep a large sheep dog to pass among the sticky-fingered guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would appreciate your advice on how to respond to requests from nonprofit organizations with which I am associated that ask me to ask my friends for money for the organization.

If a friend were to ask me for the name of an organization that I believe is worthy, I would of course endorse these organizations and explain why I support them. But I don't believe I should presume on a friendship so far as to solicit donations.

Recently, a group I am involved with began a campaign they called "friend-raising." They suggested that members host events such as dinners, movie nights, or other get-togethers, and charge an admission that would be donated to the charitable group. The admission and purpose would be announced in advance, of course. The group likened it to a smaller version of a charitable gala.

What is your thought on this? As a board member, I was asked to participate, but was able to offer an alternative. (I am selling artwork at a craft fair, and have pledged the proceeds to this organization). However, I was unable to articulate to the board why this proposal made me uncomfortable.

Perhaps there is something that I am missing. I would very much appreciate your perspective.

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners does indeed know what is bothering you, she is not sure it would be a good idea to tell the board.

Presuming on friendship to get into other people's money -- including posted gift registries and personally targeted sales campaigns -- is so commonplace that doing it for good works seems benign by comparison.

But it seems even odder to you, and certainly to Miss Manners, that people should be willing to embarrass their own friends into spending money in ways that those friends may not have wanted to do. Really? Is it all right, or even virtuous in a good cause, to embarrass your friends?

The rejoinder is always the worthiness of the result and the supposed impossibility of accomplishing it in any other way. Children whose school activities are in need of funds are now routinely instructed to accost their neighbors and parents' friends with commercial trinkets for sale and even to write fund-raising letters to strangers.

Didn't they used to organize car washes, bake sales, band performances and other activities of their own? Isn't it more self-respecting to charge for real services than to wheedle friends?

You have proposed doing so, and Miss Manners congratulates you for that and for shrinking at charging admission for entertaining you friends. The only hope she can offer in explaining this to others is to point out to them that so very many demands are now made on people by their friends that it might be practical to think of offering desirable alternatives.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to send a (pleasant) piece of correspondence to Michelle Obama. How may I address her, and how may I close my correspondence? I do want it to sound friendly but am aware of need to be "proper."

GENTLE READER: Despite the common use of the term "first lady" (which Jacqueline Kennedy noted at the time made her sound like a race horse), there is no such official title. The president's wife may be saddled with ceremonial duties, contradictory expectations and intense scrutiny, but legally she is a private citizen.

There is one small difference, however. On the envelope, she is addressed simply as "Mrs. Obama," with no first name, neither his nor hers. This is because she is THE Mrs. Obama, however many other citizens there may be by that surname. Miss Manners was once asked at the Woodrow Wilson museum why Mrs. Wilson had two sets of visiting cards, one as "Mrs. Wilson" and one as "Mrs. Woodrow Wilson." The answer was that she used the former when her husband was in office (as he was when they married), and the latter after he left office.

The salutation is simply "Dear Mrs. Obama," and the closing "Yours very truly" or "Yours sincerely," but you could stretch it to "Respectfully yours," which is the correct closing when writing the president. Of course, Miss Manners is assuming that by "friendly" you mean well-disposed, and not that you are an old friend of hers who is entitled to send love and kisses.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I feel considerably shallow in regards to my reaction to a certain coworker that I find very unattractive. She is hugely overweight, wears entirely too much makeup and has a bad case of acne.

I find it hard to look at her and find myself looking everywhere but her face. I am aggravated with myself at my shallow attitude. Any suggestions, Miss Manners?

GENTLE READER: Indeed. As you recognize that your attitude is shallow, and the refusal to look at your coworker is rude, Miss Manners reminds you to remind yourself that you are dealing with a human being and to school yourself to look her in the eye and behave respectfully.

Miss Manners realizes that everyone is a critic, especially about appearances, and that and "I'm entitled to my opinion" is practically the national motto. But as your co-workers do not exist to meet your aesthetic standards, such opinions should be strongly suppressed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a man is in the divorce process, and his daughters are in his soon to be former sister-in-law's wedding, should he attend? He has not been invited verbally or via a written invitation. Thanks for your guidance.

GENTLE READER: You are welcome, but Miss Manners would have been able to answer the question without any guidance about the family situation. Anyone who does not receive an invitation to a wedding or any private occasion can safely assume that he is not invited and should not crash.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex and I parted ways last year, and he began seeing another woman shortly after. They are now engaged. While I wish him every happiness, I was surprised, to say the least, when I learned of some of their wedding plans.

While we were together, we had discussed possible wedding ideas, down to flowers, music and attire. After a recent chat with a mutual friend involved in the wedding, I learned that he has essentially applied one of our wedding plans to them! His attire was my idea, her dress is similar to my choice, she will walk down the aisle to our (former) song, and even her wedding bouquet is nearly identical, down to an unusual floral combination and ribbon inserts in my favorite color (a color she doesn't even like!)

As my invitation has been rescinded (at her request), I am unsure how to proceed. Am I allowed to ask them to change some of the wedding details? Or should I let him and the situation go?

GENTLE READER: He is going anyway. What possible satisfaction could you have from hanging onto the bouquet design?

Don't tell Miss Manners that you planned to use it in case you marry someone else; you have already made it clear that you consider the plans to be symbolic of your broken romance.

Her guess is that the bridegroom was asked for wedding ideas and came up with these, ignoring or forgetting that he had developed them with you. Do you really want to show him that you have more emotional attachment to your joint plans, now canceled, than he does?

But as you do feel that, Miss Manners would think that you would take satisfaction from knowing that the bride is wearing a color she dislikes under the impression that it is her bridegroom's favorite, when it is really yours.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been playing in a weekly mahjong game (similar to cards) for several years. Of the six regular players, three of them repeatedly take cell phone calls from their teenage children during the game. None of these calls could be considered even close to an emergency and are of a trivial nature (e.g. their latest test score, they need more contact lenses, etc).

The offending players make all of us hold up play and listen to discussions lasting one or two minutes. One woman takes at least three phone calls an afternoon. The game only lasts for three hours.

I have tried modeling the correct etiquette when I have received an occasional call by quickly telling the caller that I was busy at the moment but would call them back later. I have tried to make a joke about how I've trained my family to not disturb the sacred time of mahjong. Nobody seems to get the hint. Is there anything I can say that will encourage my friends to keep their cell phone conversations to a minimum?

GENTLE READER: As a player of games, and a member of a group that meets regularly, you know about rules. Miss Manners suggests that you pick a time when you have not been so interrupted to make the general proposal that outside distractions, whether online shopping or telephone calls, not be allowed during the game.

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