DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and I both have elderly pets. When one of my pets passed away, I received a number of very kind expressions of sympathy from every member of my family, including my brother.

After my sister's oldest pet was put to sleep, I very naturally wanted to comfort her as best I could from several states away, and sent her a sympathy card as well as a handwritten note. Our brother, however, has not been in contact with our sister in the month following the loss of her favorite pet.

Our sister is brokenhearted and quite upset that our brother can't seem to take five minutes out of his day to call our sister to make an expression of sympathy.

Miss Manners, please help me understand what etiquette surrounds the passing of a pet.

GENTLE READER: Pet etiquette is not the issue here; family etiquette is.

Miss Manners is not going to tell you that handwritten condolence letters must be sent whenever someone's pet dies. There are people who feel that an animal is equivalent to a person, and others, including many fond pet-owners, who do not.

The problem here is that your sister is in the former category, and your brother is not, and may even be unaware that your sister is. You, however, are, and furthermore, he is your brother too.

So why are you letting this fester? Why aren't you saying to your brother, "Becky is taking the loss of Thackery very hard, and I know she'd love to have an expression of sympathy from you"? Miss Manners suspects that another relative's prompting him may have produced the expression of sympathy that you received under similar circumstances.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a variety of chairs at our dining room table. Some are antiques and a little fragile, but fine for the normal-sized person, while other chairs are new.

We have a group of people over for dinner a few times a year, and the problem is, one of the fellows is much larger than average. We never have had assigned seating, but how do I guide him to one of the new chairs without making him feel badly about his size?

GENTLE READER: With assigned seating. Why hosts balk at this most basic of duties, Miss Manners cannot imagine.

Do they suppose that guests enjoy standing around awkwardly and then plopping down next to someone with whom they have nothing in common -- or, more likely, someone with whom they have everything in common (but now is not the time to discuss who is going to the PTA meeting next week or whether the dishwasher needs to be replaced)?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a way to ask for donations for a charity in a invitation without guests thinking that the donation is the gift for my daughter's 13 birthday party?

GENTLE READER: A polite way of saying that two collections will be made: one for a non-profit organization and one to profit herself? In a word, no.

Miss Manners suggests that you teach your daughter to be charitable herself, whether through volunteer work or whatever donations she can make, rather than ask other people to do so in her honor.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband bought my daughter a pair of diamond stud earrings that she had told him she didn't like/want. She appreciates the thought and gesture but doesn't care to wear them.

Would it be wrong to politely ask him to go with her to trade them for something that she would wear more?

GENTLE READER: Why miss another chance to show him that his outpouring of sentiment and generosity was a failure?

All presents are laden with symbolism, Miss Manners warns you, but jewelry is explosive with it, and never more so than when given by a gentleman to a lady or relative to one of the next generation.

The young lady who rejects Grandmother's ring, telling her that it is too old-fashioned, should probably not have high expectations about the will. Ladies should never confuse gentlemen by accepting jewelry if not prepared to accept the gentleman who offers it -- nor by criticizing a proffered ring when intending to take the gentleman himself.

This is not to say that those on the receiving end must wear jewelry they dislike, except on occasions when doing so would feel worth it to please the person who chose it. If a grateful fuss is made at first, it may not be crucial, as time goes by, if the jewelry is worn less. Or one may explain having stones re-set to strengthen the prongs or modernize the setting.

Miss Manners' choice for your daughter would be for her to throw her arms around her father, claim that she had been too overwhelmed to know how to react (which is certainly true), give him a huge kiss and put on the earrings.

She can then put them aside "for special occasions." They will not lose their value, and later, if she does not come to value the sentiment enough to keep them, perhaps for the daughter she may some day have, she can privately trade them without embarrassing her father.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm 59 years old. I've begun exercising and dieting, leading to a large weight loss. I've also had facial rejuvenation surgery since my weight loss. I've not kept the surgery a secret, nor have I broadcast it about.

How do I respond to those who talk incessantly about how good/different I look. A simple "thank you" does not even begin to suffice. I have acquaintances who after three or four meetings still want to discuss this topic only.

How do I turn this off? I've tried gently changing the subject.

GENTLE READER: Tell them how much you believe in good nutrition and lots of exercise, and then look at them searchingly and add, "Don't you?"

Miss Manners would have suggested this even if you hadn't gone over your regimen. It is amazing how quickly some people can turn a compliment into a gossip-probe or a plea for "the secret" of looking good by some trick that involves no effort. And how quickly they are willing to drop the subject when their own habits may come into question.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister in-law and her now-husband, who are well into their 40s, indicated on their wedding invitations that they did not want any wedding presents. She was very open with all of her guests and family that she wanted them to give money toward the wedding instead of giving a gift.

She was also very open with the cost of each plate at $150 per person and expected friends and family to give her that amount for her wedding gift.

Her wedding turned out beautifully, and I don't think I've ever seen her as happy as she was that night. But now I keep hearing how only five people gave her money for the wedding gift and how she is shocked that more people did not give her money. She continues to harp on the fact that whenever she goes to a wedding, she makes sure to give a gift that is comparable to the cost of the meal and she keeps telling me that it's etiquette to do so.

She is also harping on all the things she has done for her friends and family and how they have not reciprocated her kind acts. She feels hurt that more people did not contribute and now she's ruining a beautiful evening by feeling hurt that her guests did not compensate her correctly. Is she correct in her wedding gift-giving etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Your sister-in-law has unfortunately confused the etiquette for weddings with the etiquette for putting on and attending commercial public spectacles, such as circuses.

If one is putting on a circus, one expects, at the very least, to recoup the expense from those attending, and the attendees know that they must pay for their entertainment and refreshments.

Miss Manners would not have thought that this was what motivated people to hold or attend a wedding. She would have thought that the impetus was wanting to be married among one's relatives and friends, and that people attending do so because they care about the couple, even to the extent of giving them a tangible symbol of their affection.

As this is not a business transaction, no financial deals are made or implied. People are, as usual in their private lives, responsible for their own budgets. Those putting on a wedding should plan to do so within the limits of what they can afford, and their guests should keep their own means in mind when selecting presents -- not admission payments -- to give them.

Your sister-in-law's approach is, as she found out, dangerous. She ran the risk of her targeted clientele's calculating -- with an absence of sentiment matching her own -- that they might have found a better deal at the circus.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to wear jeans to a funeral? The deceased was an avid outdoorsman.

GENTLE READER: If he had been a swimmer, would you wear a bathing suit?

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