DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is getting married next year and is having a dilemma as to who should walk her down the aisle. Her father and I were divorced when she was 2. He has been involved in her life but not as much as she would have liked. Her stepfather has been around since she was 5.

She cannot figure out which one to choose without hurting the other's feelings. She thinks both escorting her would be too much.

Help! Do you have several solutions or suggestions?

GENTLE READER: One: You.

Miss Manners would not have had trouble with the two-father solution, as avoiding hurt feelings is a worthy goal when planning a wedding. But does it not seem odd to you that a male must give her away, and not the parent who has had her for her entire life?

Indeed, traditionally, giving away a bride was not an exclusively male role. Widows, for example, gave their daughters away. In this case, both fathers will be able to beam equally at the sight of you giving away the daughter you consistently reared.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This weekend, when my family hosted a dinner party for friends and family, I announced that dinner would be served in five minutes to give guests an opportunity to wash up.

As food was being served, I stood at the side bar to offer beverages (both white and red wine, iced tea, raspberry lemonade and iced water). It was at this time that a guest requested that I prepare hot tea so that she could have it with her meal.

My children stated later that shock and displeasure were apparent on my face at having to leave the table to boil water and prepare a hot beverage, when one was not offered. I also thought that if this guest knew she wanted a hot beverage with her meal, she could have asked me to make one at my announcement of five minutes.

We have had this woman over for dinner frequently, and she has never requested hot tea with her meal before, or I would have had hot water prepared. Typically, I serve hot tea and coffee after the meal with dessert (which she knows). I was not happy to leave my other guests at the table and have my meal get cold. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Frankly, the first thought Miss Manners had was why one of those children who noticed your distress didn't jump up and say, "I'll put the water on, Mother, you sit down."

The second was why you didn't ask one of them to do so -- or even ask the guest, as she seems to be an intimate of the house.

But let us assume that you felt that you must oblige your guest yourself. It is indeed your duty to tend to your guests, even unreasonable ones if you can reasonably do so.

However, you had other guests to consider. To keep them waiting while their food cools -- as Miss Manners trusts that polite guests never begin eating until the hostess does -- would be rude. If you felt that you could not delegate the job of putting water on to boil, you could have said sweetly, "As soon as I get a chance" as you sat down to the meal.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I came across this statement on a forum and was wondering what you thought about it: "A host cannot invite a person to a social function without inviting his or her socially recognized partner. It's not permitted by etiquette to only invite half of a couple."

Isn't part of entertaining finding a good mix of people to invite? It seems to me that sometimes that might not include inviting significant others.

GENTLE READER: Yes, a host should select interesting guests, and yes, a host cannot invite half of couples to most social events.

How are you going to manage doing both?

Miss Manners has a solution for you, but it does not involve making clear to your friends that you can pick interesting people for an evening better than they can for a lifetime.

It is, rather, to make occasions that would be of obvious interest to one but not the other. Luncheon on weekdays is the classic time that partners may be invited separately unless they work together. Or for an activity, such as a fishing expedition, that one practices and the other doesn't. Or a single-gender gathering, although you have to be careful, because while all-female parties are not generally considered offensive, all-male ones often are. Besides, it doesn't work with single-gender couples.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a middle-aged woman; never married; no children. After so many years of dating men who disappoint me, I have decided that I will not date ever again. I have no interest in finding "the right man," etc.

How do I handle this touchy subject when brought up in a group setting without the conversation turning to "why not" and "you just haven't met the right one," etc. Also, when people push me, I end up telling how I really feel about men being selfish pigs and then it offends my friends.

For the record, I have plenty of male friends and co-workers and we get along great. This is not something I carry on my shoulders or announce to the world.

GENTLE READER: Actually, you are announcing it to your world. The way to avoid discussions that lead nowhere is to refuse to be pushed into having them.

That a group of friends would gang up to ask why you are not dating strikes Miss Manners as -- well, unfriendly, at best. She doesn't want to hear them explain that it is a kindness, because they know better than you what would make you happy.

That said, you don't really mean that part about the pigs, or you wouldn't have male friends. You need only say: "Please stop worrying about me. I have lots of friends, and I'm perfectly happy."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to ask my guests at my wedding to wear a choice of five colors, whichever and however they want? I have an idea that would look really nice but I don't want to be rude.

GENTLE READER: Then trust them to dress themselves. Miss Manners begs you not to think of your wedding guests as part of your decorating scheme.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at a coffee shop today and I was happy to get one of the "comfy" chairs, where I could relax and enjoy my coffee and book. After a little while, a woman approached me and asked if she could have my seat. She explained that she needed to use her laptop computer, and the chair that I was in was the only seat close to an electrical outlet not already in use by other customers with laptops.

I was a bit taken aback by her request, since it would mean moving from the comfy chair to a far less comfortable table. When I expressed reluctance to move, she said that since I obviously didn't need the electrical outlet, she thought she should have priority. She was polite, yet her request in itself struck me as inappropriate and rude.

Not wanting to be rude myself, and because I'd been planning to leave the coffee shop soon anyway, I said she could have the seat, and I left. However, I was a bit irritated. What is the etiquette here?

GENTLE READER: There doesn't seem to have been much of it. Although you say that that this was a request made politely, it strikes Miss Manners as verging on a demand, and you acceded because you were feeling cowed, not obliging.

The entire concept of asking and considering a favor seems to have been forgotten -- not just in this instance, but in general. Instead, people go around demanding what they consider to be their rights of those who feel that their only choices are to yield or to fight.

Suppose the lady had said, "Excuse me, please, but I wonder if there is some way I could get to that plug that you are not using?"

You might have felt inclined to say, "Sure, I'll move," but that was not your only polite option. You could also have said, "I'll be leaving soon" or "It's this chair I like -- perhaps we could move it."

You also could have politely refused: "I especially like this kind of chair. There might be another plug around somewhere, but if you see another of this kind of chair free, I'll be glad to change."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a high-rise condo building where about half of the residents speak Spanish in their homes. This week I entered the exercise room to work out.

The only other person there working out was one of my neighbors, who I did not know, who had the TV tuned to a Spanish language station.

Would I be justified in asking her to switch to an English-language station; in insisting on such a change by changing the station myself?

GENTLE READER: Assuming that you don't mind alienating a neighbor, and probably a minimum of half of your fellow residents when word gets around, on what grounds would you make such a demand?

By Miss Manners' count, half of the occupants of that room wanted the Spanish station, and what is more, that half was there first.

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