Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a trip visiting relatives, one thing baffled me. They do not put any garbage bags in their bathroom garbage cans.

So, I am always wondering if they are intended to be used or if they are just for decoration. (They are always empty, except sometimes the toilet bowl cleaner tool has been placed in there.) It seems strange to me to leave my hair or other items for disposal in the garbage can for our host to empty when we leave -- without a bag, it seems a much messier and unpleasant job.

But it is equally awkward to walk my items through the house to put in the kitchen/laundry garbage can, which is the only one that has a bag (and the only one that seems to be intended for regular use).

What would be the appropriate way to handle this? Should I bring my own garbage bag and use that and take it out when I leave? Should I use the garbage can provided and assume that the host understands there is a purpose to having a bathroom trash can and prefers it to be used as is?

Should I continue the current practice of surreptitiously carrying items to the one trash can in use? Or do more considerate houseguests just take their trash back home with them?

I always put a plastic bag in my bathroom trash cans. It's easier to clean up and seems more understanding of the need to throw things away. I guess it's not quite as neat-looking. Is there something wrong with that?

GENTLE READER: There is something seriously wrong with a society that does not understand the purpose of bathrooms -- that thinks of them as places to tease guests by displaying practical items that are not intended to be used.

The guest towel fetish is bad enough. Miss Manners used to blame overzealous child-rearing rules that left people terrorized of using guest towels even when they grew up and became guests. But then she started hearing from hosts who proudly defend their guest towels against their guests.

And now you harbor the thought that a wastebasket might be considered too fetching to use. How about the toilet paper?

At any rate, Miss Manners does not accuse your hostess of this silliness. Lining a wastebasket may be convenient, but is certainly not necessary. One does not expect garbage in the bathroom. It is thoughtful of you to want to spare your hosts the sight of your trash (it is just trash, isn't it?), but you can do that by emptying it into their garbage can once, at the end of your stay.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am planning a wedding for my friend and her fiance, but it has become very frustrating. They simply cannot agree on anything.

I am very curious as to exactly how much involvement or say a groom should have about his wedding. Other friends say the wedding is all about the bride so the groom should have no say, but others think the groom should have some say because it is his wedding, too.

GENTLE READER: Never mind whose wedding it is. Miss Manners' advice is not to make any wedding plans for this couple that cannot be canceled without penalty.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My stepson will be married this spring, his first and her second marriage. His fiancee has chosen to wear his mother's wedding dress.

My husband will be walking my stepson's fiancee down the aisle. I'm uncomfortable about seeing this wedding dress reincarnated on the arm of my husband. (Interesting that his ex-wife kept the dress for 40 years.) Am I out of line?

GENTLE READER: You know you are. You must be exposed to the usual wedding prattle of "It's all about the bride," a selfishness-promoting concept Miss Manners loathes. But surely it did not make you think, "No, it's all about me."

Still, the situation bothers you, so it might be useful to think about why. Do you suppose that the dress will transport your husband back into feeling that he has his beloved first bride on his arm? That seems doubtful, but in any case, the reality, in the form of the lady he divorced, will be right there to shatter the fantasy.

Anyway, he might be oblivious to it all. Every time Miss Manners has asked any gentleman who attended a wedding what the bride wore, the only answer forthcoming was, "I'm pretty sure it was a white dress."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the best course of action when a friend request is denied on a social network -- particularly when that person is someone with whom one had long wished to reconnect?

I recently came across a friend online who was very dear to me in middle school -- more than two decades ago -- and was very excited. We'd fallen out of touch in college. However, I noticed later that she apparently had denied my request. I was hurt that she apparently did not share my desire to reconnect, but made no further efforts. (I assume she knew who I was, as my profile has a photo and, while I now go by my married name, my first name is not common.)

If this were another person, I would just brush it off, but this is someone whose rejection I find rather baffling and saddening. Is there any polite way at all to address the matter, or do I need to just let it go?

GENTLE READER: Is it possible that your friend remembers the time you kissed her beau or returned her sweater without realizing that you'd snagged it?

But Miss Manners believes it also possible that the lady is limiting her Facebook commitment in time spent or the number of correspondents acquired. Or that she did fail to recognize you with your changed name and grown-up photograph.

There are many other forms of communication still open, such as the telephone, email and even actual letters. Try another means before you feel snubbed enough to let it go.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband does not feel it is proper for him to compliment my cooking when we have dinner guests. However, he will compliment my cooking if it is just the two of us. What do you say?

GENTLE READER: About your cooking?

If Miss Manners were your guest and your husband complimented you on a meal she was eating: "Yes, it's wonderful; I was just going to mention that."

It is to avoid the appearance of prompting the guests that your husband wisely refrains from saying anything. You should compliment him on that -- in private.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My oldest son started university this year at one of the top schools in the country -- which also happens to be on the other side of the country. I have lost count of the number of people who, after initiating a conversation in which they ask after him, wanting to know where he is studying, have remarked, "Wow, that's about as far away from home as he could get!"

I feel pretty sure that my son decided upon this school because it represented the opportunity of a lifetime; however, after so many responses of this ilk, even I am beginning to wonder.

Only time will tell, I guess, but in the meantime do you have any suggestions for how I might respond? I have tried to be gracious and not defensive, but I'm beginning to lose my sense of humor about this.

GENTLE READER: There is no call to take this personally. Americans automatically assume that children can't bear to be with their parents, which has always struck Miss Manners as both peculiar and distasteful. Worse, there are now parents who -- perhaps to head off this unflattering assumption -- declare how happy they are to have empty nests.

Refuting the charge would indeed sound weak. Rather, you should show that the notion that your son's educational motive was to escape you is so far from true that you don't even understand the charge. With just a touch of sadness, you could say: "Yes, we both realized that is a disadvantage. But after all, it's the best school for what he wants to do."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was told that at a nice restaurant, a man should place his date's napkin on her lap. Is this proper?

GENTLE READER: Not if she is of legal age and capable of doing it for herself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently invited two old friends of mine to dinner so they could meet each other. I thought they would have a lot in common, and they do. They hit it off famously. Since the dinner, I have found out they have gotten together -- sans moi -- and I feel just the slightest twinge of jealousy.

In the past, I have heard other friends worry about this happening when they introduced friends to friends, and I always thought it was a silly concern, believing there was enough love to go around for everyone. Now that I am experiencing it, it doesn't feel so good.

My question, oh wise one, is whether I should have been included at a subsequent meeting (at least the initial one) they had after the dinner to recognize my connection to them both, or not?

GENTLE READER: If you are talking about a guest who gave a subsequent dinner party and included the new acquaintance but not you, Miss Manners would agree. But that part about hitting it off famously makes her suspect that a romance was intended and might be achieved.

Perhaps not, though, if they have to entertain you first. Give them a bit of time and privacy, and they may thank you all the more.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)