Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For three holidays a year, my mother's extended family gets together for dinner. This meal was traditionally at my grandparents' home, but has since moved to my parents' home. My mother prepares most of the meal, and my aunts contribute a few dishes to ease the burden.

Over the past few years, some new foods have appeared at these dinners, which traditionally include American, German and Eastern European fare. Typically my mother prepares a vegetarian alternative to the main meat course, as I've been vegetarian for more than 15 years.

My aunt's boyfriend started joining the dinners here and there a few years ago, and my aunt brings a meat lasagna for him, as he prefers it to our traditional meals. Recently my uncle requested kielbasa at Thanksgiving because he has a new affinity for it.

Most of us don't have a problem with the new foods -- well, the lasagna is annoying, but that is more a personal issue with who joins the dish -- but my mother gets very annoyed and seems to enjoy complaining about it.

I am now concerned about her offering a vegetarian alternative for me at these holidays. I think it is wonderful, but I would never demand it of a host.

Is it rude of me to have this vegetarian alternative at a family holiday meal? Is it rude of my aunt to prepare a special meal for her boyfriend? Is it rude for my uncle to request a special food? Or is my mother blowing this out of proportion?

GENTLE READER: Doesn't your mother realize that this now IS the traditional American holiday dinner?

It is true that the prevailing intense, individualistic focus on food has killed the nightly family dinner, the social dinner party, pleasant conversation and friendly relations among those who disagree about nutritional or ethical values. But apparently many consider those sacrifices worthwhile as long as they don't have to face anything they can't stomach.

Thanksgiving, however, is already associated with a surplus of dishes. Why not include ones that please the various tastes of the guests?

A legitimate answer is that it makes more work for the host. That does not seem to be your mother's chief objection, as she complains about the lasagna, even though your aunt brought it, and apparently has not complained about you. Miss Manners doubts that your mother would be mollified by depriving you, while others are accommodated.

It would be of more assistance to her for you to offer substantial help in preparing the meal than to incite your relatives to open rebellion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the protocol for inviting the hairdresser who does the bride's hair for the wedding? The woman is a longtime friend and hairdresser for the bride's mother and has graciously offered to do the bride's hair as a wedding gift. Seating and funds are limited.

GENTLE READER: The hairdresser's time and expertise are also limited, Miss Manners imagines. You call her a friend, and she is acting as one. So if you were even thinking of letting her give this present and then pitching her out, please put that out of your mind.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My teenage daughter has a number of mild but annoying medical conditions that require regular testing and treatment. Sometimes while she is undergoing an hour-long (but not painful or distressing) test, I'll pull out a business book and she'll pull out a novel, and we'll start reading.

Often as we sit there contentedly, one technician or another will come in and try to engage us in conversation, presumably in the belief that they are cheering us up.

While we'll engage with them pleasantly enough for a few minutes or so, we then try to gently hint the conversation has ended by trailing off our answers, smiling, and picking up our books again.

Few people get the hint. Instead, they'll decide our silence means we are a fantastic audience, and they'll launch into some long story about their personal lives. Honestly, we'd rather read.

If I sort of smile weakly and say something like, "Well, I think I'm going to have to tear myself away from this conversation and get back to work" and lift my book again, they'll simply turn to my daughter and ask her where she goes to school, which movie stars she likes, etc., until I'm forced to lower my book again and engage with them to give her a break.

This has happened so often that I'm beginning to wonder, am I actually being really rude in trying to read at these moments? Are these women trying to hint to me that I'm being disrespectful by not giving them my full attention? Should having some routine bodily service done, such as a routine medical test, or having my hair cut, mean that one is doomed to a long, inane conversation with whoever is doing it?

Isn't it OK, once the pleasantries are over, to drift into one's own thoughts or pick up some reading material?

GENTLE READER: Sure, as long as you acknowledge that the intention of the medical technician was probably not just to pass the time of day. The assumption is likely to be that your daughter is apprehensive, and that chatting will distract her.

As you know, a book -- all right, or a tablet -- is the best defense weapon, not just for you, but for your daughter. You, or better she, can thank them for their concern and then say briefly that this is the time she has to use to catch up on her reading.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am hosting a party for about 70 people. I will be assuming costs for drinks for a three-hour time block, 7 to 10 p.m. From 10 until midnight, guests will be provided with coffee, but if they want alcohol, they will then pick up the cost themselves. Is there a way to properly word this on the invitation?

GENTLE READER: You have already done that by noting the time that the party should end.

Miss Manners admits that it is strange, now that you point it out, that proper wording exists for "Time to go home, folks," but not for "and we'll be closing the bar." But so it is. You can instruct the bartenders to say, at that point, "We're serving coffee now."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We moved from our home of seven years when the bank would not renegotiate our mortgage and chose to foreclose. As is common, there was a substantial shortfall (several million).

The house ended up selling for 10 percent less than we paid for it, and 40 percent less than our basis after improvements. We may be able to avoid bankruptcy, but it is not clear at this time. Perhaps this is too much information, but it helps you better understand our situation.

One of our neighbors who was aware of the situation called me and said he was sorry for our misfortune. His call was greatly appreciated. I'm sure the other neighbors were aware as well, but never said anything. Actually, I think we were probably the talk of the neighborhood.

Nevertheless, should I notify our other neighbors of our new address, mentioning that our personal circumstances have changed, or just move on?

GENTLE READER: Having literally moved on, you can easily move on socially; no explanation is necessary. But Miss Manners is dismayed at the implication that you were on cordial terms with the neighbors you left behind, but now believe that they are gossiping unsympathetically about your plight.

It was kind of one person to commiserate, but others might feel that it would be intrusive to acknowledge that they know about your financial plight -- if, indeed, they do. In either case, your moving away without a word would seem as if you were the one to cut them off, not they, you.

It would be graceful to assume the best of them and send your new address. But please leave out the part about your personal circumstances. That is only asking for gossip, and the misinterpretation that you are expecting them to give you more than sympathy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate response if someone tells you she is putting you in her will?

I was stunned when my cousin told me she was putting me in hers, and I just said thank you. But I was curious to know more! Is it bad manners to pursue and ask questions? Can you ask how much?

GENTLE READER: Yes, that is bad, and it is even worse to ask how long until you get it, which is what any probing for particulars is bound to suggest. The proper response is to lace your profuse thanks with the hope that it will be a long, long time before the will is needed.

Need Miss Manners remind you that wills can be changed?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Eighty-five percent of the players' parents have made a donation toward a gift for our coach. I don't want to say this gift is from the team, because some did not contribute. Am I being selfish?

GENTLE READER: No, just petty. Well, generous at the same time, Miss Manners acknowledges, because you wanted to do something for the coach.

But those who organize group presents often blithely assume that it is only fair that everyone divide the cost. And usually they have unilaterally declared the need, selected the item and declared the price. They then get angry, as you have, at those who do not pay, some of whom may have been unable to do so without hardship.

Please try to think of this, instead, as a team effort. When the team wins or loses, everyone does, even those who did not directly participate in that game.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)