DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm getting married soon, and we are asking for cash as our gift. We are registered at two places for those who are old-fashioned. We have a sweet poem that is nice for asking for cash. We just don't know how to tell people we are also registered but would prefer cash.

We would like to put the poem first, then say we're registered for those who don't want to give cash. Please help. :)

GENTLE READER: In a word: No. Miss Manners has stated time and time again that she does not give instruction on how to exploit one's guests.

She is not pausing over your letter to congratulate you on being the millionth Gentle Reader to ask anyway. It is that touch of putting your extortion hopes into a poem that haunts her. You have not favored her with a glance at it, so she can only guess that it is:

"Roses are red

"Violets are blue,

"To pay our expenses

"We have targeted you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For 35 years we have celebrated Thanksgiving and Easter with close friends and their families. For some reason, starting last Easter, they don't want to share holidays with us. They don't go to anyone else's house. Actually, that would be easier to take.

I am very hurt by this. I have no idea what has happened. I feel we are owed an explanation. If a man said this to a long-term girlfriend, she would assume he doesn't want to see her anymore.

A recent email just said they are eating with their daughter and son-in-law at their retirement-home restaurant and that it would be a "different dinner for us all."

I don't know what that means, so I didn't respond. We still see them regularly and they act normally, so this is a puzzle. I know I should take the high road and just ignore this. But as time goes on, I get more and more hurt and angry, and I fear that I can't just put it behind me and I might cry when I am with them.

Is there any way that I can convey how hurt I am and find out if there is something that we have done (unclean kitchen?) that I can apologize for? If they totally cut us off, it would make more sense. But in this case, it is a very specific event. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: You should let it go and have a jolly Thanksgiving, perhaps with other friends. And you should continue, on the other days of the year, to enjoy the friendships you have always had.

Mostly, Miss Manners suggests that you stop comparing friendships to romances. Friendships are not exclusive, and it is therefore not disloyal to make other commitments. These people have not dropped you. They, or their daughter and son-in-law, could have wanted to change for any number of reasons not having to do with you.

But if your kitchen is unclean, for heaven's sake, clean it anyway.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 62-year-old woman and was in a large university hospital visiting a friend who was being moved into hospice care. There were several people waiting for an elevator on that floor.

I saw a woman about 30 years of age quietly weeping. I so wanted to put my arm around her, but I didn't. I couldn't even find a dry tissue in my purse to offer her. Should I have put my arm around her and said something? Not one of the many people waiting or in the elevator said anything to her.

GENTLE READER: Many years ago, one of the leading proponents of the theory that hugs are always a comfort, even from strangers, said publicly that he was once in a hotel elevator with Miss Manners and thought she would benefit from a hug.

Fortunately, he refrained. The least that mild-mannered Miss Manners would have done if a strange man had grabbed her in an elevator would have been to brain him with her purse.

Obviously, you appeared to be less threatening, but it is never a good idea to startle a stranger like that. Offering the tissue would have been kind, and just saying, "Can I get you anything?" would have shown compassion in a distant enough way that would not intrude on the lady's grief.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of the family wrote on his card (which included a generous wedding gift), "No thank-you note requested." This man is my father's business partner, and as someone whom I have known since I was very young, it seemed inappropriate for me not to acknowledge his gift, even at his request.

After weeks of mulling over the appropriate response, I opted to send a short but sweet email instead of a paper thank-you card I sent to everyone else. Despite having made my decision, I still feel uncomfortable disregarding his request. What would you recommend that I do in the future, should such a situation arise?

GENTLE READER: No doubt your father's partner saw this as added generosity on his part -- to excuse you from an onerous duty. But you were right to recoil from his suggestion, because it would have forced you to be rude.

How is that possible (Miss Manners imagines you wondering), when you would only be complying with his suggestion? If he doesn't care about receiving thanks, why should you bother giving them?

The answer is that otherwise, he will have made you into an ingrate.

It is the essence of letters of thanks that the writers must seem to be writing spontaneously out of gratitude that they feel and can't help expressing. This is why obvious form letters -- ones that begin "Thank you for the ..." or, worse, pre-printed ones -- are unsatisfactory. So by agreeing not to write, you would be admitting that you were not actually grateful and were relieved to be free of the chore of pretending that you were. Your benefactor may declare this not to be rude, but you and Miss Manners know that it would be.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Left over from last Thanksgiving: Evidence from Gentle Readers of how people concluded the holiday for gathering in warm fellowship to give thanks for the bounty received:

-- "My sister went to great expense and labor to give Thanksgiving dinner. Although she did not ask the guests to bring anything, a couple of them brought wine and one guest brought a couple of cans of nuts, both taking the leftovers home. One guest told my sister in advance that she was going to take some leftovers for an ill friend, brought her own containers in which to put the leftovers, and took not only some for the friend but also some for herself. Another guest, without receiving an offer, just left with leftovers.

"My sister is extremely kindhearted and always makes way too much food. I told her that, next year, she should charge for takeout dinners."

-- "My friend had provided all of the food for Thanksgiving, and the preparation for everything with the exception of the pies.

"When the dinner was over, a neighbor she had invited started carving the leftover bird. The hostess gave him a pie plate, thinking he would carve his portion of the meat and leave room on the plate for the potatoes, stuffing and vegetable to take home.

"Instead, he proceeded to carve away on the bird, filling the entire plate with just turkey meat. It was a large bird, 20 to 22 pounds. When the plate could hold no more turkey, he quit carving and took the plate home with him.

"My friend had intended to split up the remaining bird for herself to take to work the following week and to give some to me. What the neighbor left was barely enough for one or two meals."

-- "My three sisters and I take turns each year hosting, but when one sister hosts, she always keeps leftovers even though she didn't fix all the casseroles or bread, stuffed mushrooms, etc.(we brought them to her house). When the rest of us host, we share leftovers with each other."

-- "We were asked to contribute to a lovely Thanksgiving dinner at the home of friends, and I made more than enough soup for the 18 people who were invited. After the dinner, I noticed that the hostess put the leftover soup into a container for her own use. She had her housekeeper clean my pot and gave me my empty pot as we were leaving."

-- "I was asked to bring a rather specific bottle of wine, which I did, although it was rather costly. Once I got to the party, I found out that almost everyone had brought wine, almost all pricey imported bottles.

"The party lasted several hours, but during the course of the dinner my bottle of wine was never opened. As I was leaving, I was shocked that the hosts did not offer to return the wine to me. They kept not only my bottle, but also a few others' bottles that they had specifically requested us to bring. This, while others who attended and brought only food were allowed to take their leftovers home."

A fine way to top off the day of giving thanks and sharing -- squabbling over the leftovers.

These people are not starving, Miss Manners gathers; on the contrary, they are probably complaining of feeling overstuffed. They are not at soup kitchens, where they hope to stretch the holiday meal for an otherwise bleak next day. Nor are they at restaurants, where they may ask to take home food they bought that would otherwise have to be thrown away.

They seem to have mistaken the holiday for Grabby Day.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)