DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a recent widower and will be dating a lady for the first time. We will be attending a performance of "The Nutcracker," and I'm wondering if it may be appropriate to give my lady a corsage for the occasion.

GENTLE READER: Even if your late wife was your high school sweetheart, and you remember how thrilled she was when you pinned a big purple orchid on her, this is not a good idea.

To the post-prom set, corsages are associated with weddings. For a first date, or even a fifth one, Miss Manners is afraid that you are more likely to frighten a lady with such a decoration than to thrill her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mom thinks it is inappropriate to give my boyfriend a foot massage and a shoulder massage in front of her. Do you think this is inappropriate?

GENTLE READER: Personally, Miss Manners wouldn't even want to watch you give yourself a foot massage.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: With the holidays approaching, I find myself torn. In the years past, I have taken my son to purchase presents for my ex and his family. I like being able to take my son shopping and to see him get the gifts for "his" family that he sees as appropriate.

However, I feel that perhaps his father should be responsible for this task. I don't feel appropriate being the one to purchase these gifts, as I would not continue to give gifts to the family if not for my son.

I am wondering if it would be appropriate for me to ask my ex to take our son shopping, or if, because I have been the one to purchase the gifts, I should just continue to do so. I normally give a monetary allotment to my son, and he finds gifts within that allotment for his aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents for that side of the family. I will say the allotment is equal to the amount that he spends on my side of the family.

GENTLE READER: Your repeated use of the word "appropriate" puzzles Miss Manners. Do you mean to inquire whether there is an etiquette rule about who does this shopping? Or are you asking how others would react?

But this is a case in which you are on your own. Do you want to continue, as you say that you like doing it? Do you want to turn it over to the child's father? Do you want to do the shopping but have the father subsidize it?

The etiquette problem arises only if you decide to make a change, and it has to do with how you present this to your son. If your former husband accepts this, it can be explained in terms of his being better able to advise about pleasing his relatives.

However, if he balks, you will have to make sure that your son does not feel that he is the cause of friction between you. And this may involve your continuing the precedent you have established, unfair as it objectively seems.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father-in-law was arrested last week. His family is obviously distraught over this.

In addition to the emotional problems, the sequence of events that followed his arrest have revealed that his wife's finances are not exactly where they should be considering she is not too far away from retirement. (She was unable to bail him out of jail and had to borrow money from relatives to hire a lawyer.)

I am extremely concerned for her emotional and financial well-being, particularly considering she will likely be losing her husband's income permanently. I have a knack for personal finances, so I was thinking about offering to try to help get her finances in order by figuring out if she is handling debt wisely, showing her money-saving strategies, etc. Would that be inappropriate?

GENTLE READER: Tragedy is certainly the time for relatives to offer their assistance, but Miss Manners sees the possibility of danger here.

If your mother-in-law had nothing to do with her husband's crime, she is going to be freshly skittish about trusting even a member of the family. The poor state of her finances suggests an ineptitude that could hamper you in showing her that whatever you do is in her interest.

Now, what about the possibility that her finances show that she was -- purposely or inadvertently -- mixed up in your father-in-law's situation? You really don't want to be the one to handle that.

Miss Manners does not want to discourage you from helping a relative in dire need. She is only suggesting the wisdom of getting a disinterested and reputable professional to do the work.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My roommates and I decided to throw a casual house party since we wanted to meet each other's various groups of friends. We decided that the easiest way to coordinate among the four of us would be to send out an online invitation via Evite along with word of mouth.

We sent the Evite out six days in advance of the party but have received very few responses back compared to the number of those invited. Since this is a casual get-together, it is not a crisis; however, the four of us do need to figure out how much food and drink to purchase for our guests.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask guests to click a response given the lead time, whether it be yes or no. Do I have overly rigid expectations for guests to respond to a casual method of invitation?

GENTLE READER: If it is any comfort, people who send out engraved invitations to decidedly not-casual weddings also have trouble getting responses from their guests.

That is not a comfort to Miss Manners, who cannot understand how people can be so callous as to fail to realize the difficulty this imposes on hosts, in addition to the insult.

But it is evidence that the problem is not ease of responding. Response cards, stamped envelopes and computerized methods requiring only a touch of a key have not even made a dent in the amount of non-responsiveness. Like other disrespected hosts, you will have to call or text around to find out who plans to attend.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Upon opening what I thought would be a wedding invitation from good friends, I found, printed on very nice stationery:

"Our wedding is coming but oh, what dismay.

"The venue is small on our big day!

"Though we can't squeeze you in during our special hour,

"Would you please come to our wedding shower?"

Underneath is a list of stores where the couple is registered.

How rude and hurtful is this? What a gift grab! I don't even feel up to making a RSVP.

GENTLE READER: Why, it was just recently that another bridal couple wrote Miss Manners that they were sending "a sweet poem that is nice for asking for cash" with their wedding invitation.

Do we have a trend here? Is the word spreading, in the white tulle set, that crudeness is charming when it is put into rhyme (even if not exactly rhythm)?

However, Miss Manners insists that you reply to the paltry invitation you did get. One rudeness does not excuse another. How about:

"Accepting with pleasure

"A day of leisure (British pronunciation required),

"We wish you the best.

"As you are feted and wed,

"We'll be home in bed;

"Good luck, and the rest."

Well, no, not really. Please forgive Miss Manners that lapse and write a simple answer declining the shower invitation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For the last several years, my husband and I have hosted a quite nice holiday party (catered food, serving staff, crystal, silver, etc.) for friends and neighbors.

As planning begins for this year's party, I can't help but notice when I review the guest list that there are people we haven't seen since our party last Christmas. It would be nice if some of our guests thought enough of us to at least have had us over for a drink at their home, but that is not the case with several couples.

How do I politely drop them from our guest list? What would be an appropriate response if someone inquires if we are having our party and they are not invited?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, people often do treat annual parties as a sort of public service, failing to reciprocate and brazenly assuming they have standing invitations. It is, as you have found, a poor return for hospitality.

For that reason, Miss Manners advises skipping an occasional year, or at least varying the party -- one year making it New Year's, instead of Christmas, for example -- so that you can honestly say that you are not giving the usual annual party and dislodge the expectation.

Even now you can still claim, to those who have the nerve to ask, "Oh, we're not having that big party this year. We'll just be getting together with a few people whom we see all year."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK to give my boyfriend a hint that I want a promise ring for Christmas? He usually gives me money.

GENTLE READER: But did he make you any promises? Or are you just on his payroll?

Miss Manners would think it prudent to establish the sentiment before trolling for the symbol.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)