Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have found myself in a curious position. As a server in a prominent restaurant, I was accosted by two women who took offense to me referring to them as "young ladies." The ladies in question were possibly mid-50s to mid-60s, and one became irate, informing me that to refer to her as "young lady" was an insult and condescending.

She went on to say that all her friends agree, and at her age she knows she is not young and I was just being rude. After being surprised by that outburst, I was verbally thrashed by the "lady's" husband for referring to a man as "sir." He indicated that "sir" was, as well, condescending and indicated old age.

I have been a server for many years. I refer to ALL my female guests as "miss," "ma'am," "missus" or "young lady." I refer to ALL my male guests as "sir," "gentlemen" or "young man," regardless of age.

My mother -- 70 years old -- takes no offense to the "young lady" -- in fact, she loves it. My father expects "sir"; there is no other address.

Miss Manners, is it wrong to refer to women of any age as "young ladies" and men of any age as "sir"?

GENTLE READER: What an ill-matched and ill-natured couple you had the misfortune to encounter. The wife accuses you of being condescending for not recognizing that she is old, and the husband accuses you of being condescending for supposedly implying that he is.

What Miss Manners recognizes is the temptation to dismiss them both as cranks whose accusations have canceled each other. She commends you for using the incident instead to ponder the bizarre emotions that modern Americans have about age.

It has come to be generally considered disgraceful, if not disgusting, to age. The commercial world and the promoters of mental and physical health bombard us with products and techniques that claim to retard, if not reverse, aging. The implication is that ignorance or laziness is what keeps us from staying young, and the elderly have only themselves to blame.

As a result, an elaborate system of dissimulation has arisen, with which people conceal their own ages and reassure one another of eternal youth: "Oh, I'm too young to remember that," "You haven't changed a bit," "Your daughter? Why I thought you two were sisters," and so on.

Failing to observe this convention brings on the accusation of "You make me feel old." There can hardly be a more self-defeating complaint, as only the old have been known to utter it.

It is taken to such an extreme that many old people forgo -- and claim to be insulted by -- respect and consideration. To accept the offer of a seat or, as you discovered, a dignified title, may inspire rudeness.

Yet the two complaints you received are not parallel. "Young lady" is not a title of respect, but an apparent comment on age, born of the notion that everyone wants to seem young. Your mother may enjoy it, but with strangers, you should stick with "ma'am" or "miss."

You will still get complaints, like the one about using "sir," from those deluded enough to think that giving up the privileges of age will make them seem young. But no reasonable person can fault you for showing respect.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter recently became engaged to her boyfriend of seven years. He is a charming and quiet gentleman and devoted to my daughter.

My daughter is having second thoughts already. Some friends told her that his proposal was not elaborate enough, and that he should have let her choose her ring and not given her the stunning family ring that she now wears. (I admit to being very envious.)

She asked me what I thought about her giving back the ring and asking him to plan a more elaborate proposal and offering her a new ring. I was speechless.

I simply asked her what was more important -- the style of the proposal and a new ring, or the sincere proposal offered by a man so devoted to her that he gave her a ring of great sentimental value to him.

Her friends have convinced her this is the way to go, and I worry that she is so overwhelmed by them that she will do this.

My very outgoing son, who believes in sharing much of his life on social media, told her about his very understated proposal to his now-wife. Others have shared details about proposals made and received to show that a staged production is not necessary.

Is there any other advice I should share with her before she does something I think she will regret?

GENTLE READER: Yes: Advise her to give that poor young gentleman back his family ring. Miss Manners is not recommending this as a way to allow your daughter to squeeze another ring out of him, along with some treacly drama of a proposal. Rather it is to spare him from a marriage made miserable by the influence of childish ideas from his wife's scatterbrained friends.

The other advice is for you: You have a lot of parenting left to do. No matter what your daughter's age is, she is too immature to be married. You may not be able to ground her, but you should strongly oppose any idea of marriage until you are able to instill some values in her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I watch TV together only on weekends. Last night we were watching a movie and the phone rang. My wife answered it. It was a friend of hers calling to say hi and chat. They stayed on the phone for half an hour.

When the call was done, my wife asked me if I was angry, and I said yes, I thought it was rude of her to interrupt our evening together to talk on the phone. She disagreed, saying I was inflexible, and that it is not always possible to ask a friend if she could call back the next day to talk. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Frankly, that watching television together hardly seems like such a romantic activity as to be inviolate. If your wife were taking calls during dinner, or your weekend Scrabble game, Miss Manners would feel differently.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My single, 20-year-old niece unfortunately has found herself pregnant. The father is not in the picture. She is having the baby, but whether she gives it up for adoption has not yet been decided.

I love my niece dearly, as I do her mother, my sister. That this has happened in no way diminishes my love for either of them.

I am writing to you because I am not sure the appropriate way to respond. How deeply do I inquire about their plans? The state of her pregnancy? What they are thinking about after the birth?

I don't want to be intrusive, but I also don't want to seem dismissive. What I'm asking is the best way to express the love I have for my niece and whatever support I can give to her and this child. This is really uncharted territory for me.

GENTLE READER: Then proceed cautiously; this territory is full of land mines.

It is never polite to probe any pregnancy; the lady in question gets to give or withhold information as she pleases. Miss Manners begs you not to ask about the plans for the baby, which you will learn in good time.

What you want to show is concern, not curiosity. So you could offer to take her to her medical appointments, for example, or just to take her out for lunch or another treat. If you find that she plans to keep the baby, then you should make the usual fuss that relatives do when a baby is expected, but until then, let her do the talking, while you simply listen sympathetically and assure her of your love and support.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On innumerable occasions, some of my guests have scolded me for not using disposable tableware, saying that my dishes create too much work. Once, a couple sent their children to the car to collect picnic supplies and began dismantling my table setting.

I prefer spending time with my guests, then doing the cleaning once they have left. My well-meaning friends, however, ignore my pleas that they go into the living room to visit with the others, and insist upon doing the dishes, while complaining the whole time. How am I to handle such situations?

GENTLE READER: Apparently your guests believe that they are unworthy of being treated nicely. Considering how rude it is to criticize and sabotage a host's arrangements, Miss Manners is inclined to agree.

If you really want to entertain such people, you should tell them, "Thank you for your concern, but please sit down. This is my house, and I prefer to run it in my own way. I wouldn't dream of interfering in your households."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to ask someone how big their diamond earrings are? Is it considered rude not to answer that question?

GENTLE READER: That is rather an odd question, as it presumably comes from someone who is looking at them. Miss Manners would consider it acceptable to reply, "They're exactly the same size that you see." If the follow-up question is, "No, I mean how many carats?" you may respond that they are welcome to count them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)