Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the last year, my husband and I have found out that the daughter of my best friend is, in fact, my husband's daughter. We had no idea. This little girl was conceived while my husband and I were separated. My husband and I have also had our own child, who is 6 months old.

We have moved the older child and her mother into our home and have started to provide for them the best we can (the mother does not work). We are now at the point that my husband has taken on a second job and is not home very often.

I still get along with my best friend and we are even closer then we were before, but I am at a loss of how to handle the older child. She is downright rude to me, will not listen to me, will cry if I so much as raise my voice at my niece, who is 4, and lies to me. I know this is a big change for her, but I do not know what to do to make this situation work. How do I not lose it with this child?

GENTLE READER: You have managed not to lose it so far, under what Miss Manners would think rather trying circumstances, so she has faith that you can carry on.

You can hardly blame the child for being confused about the lines of authority in this household. Who wouldn't be?

As you are both the lady of the house and this child's stepmother, you need to be able to exercise authority. Yet -- as you have discovered, and tyrants find out only when they are about to lose their heads -- no one can govern successfully without the consent, in some form, of the governed.

It will take a great deal of patience and warmth for this child to understand that you have her interests at heart. Your niece may or may not know that you love her even when you yell (oh, sorry, you just raise your voice), but the other child must feel that your displeasure will have terrible consequences.

You are fortunate that the mother is there to offer steady reassurance about you, and about their position in the household. The child should be able to observe, on a daily basis, that there is trust between you, and that the rules in regard to both morals and manners are endorsed by all three adults, not directed solely at this child but apply to everyone.

So please lower your voice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When setting the dinner table, why do we place the forks on the left?

GENTLE READER: Why do we drive on the right? In both cases, the actual position is arbitrary, but having a fixed position is essential.

Having to search around for your fork every time you have a meal may not be as dangerous as driving on the wrong side of the road, although if you snatch the fork of a hungry and volatile neighbor, Miss Manners would not be able to answer for the consequences.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 12 years of age and have just read about the etiquette of handshakes.

A great number of my peers feel that it is appropriate in normal social situations to disgrace the sanctity of the handshake with any number of gestures, from the mildly annoying to the downright offensive. Also, when I present a hand to be shaken, it will be met with anything from a fist to "bump" to curled fingers to "splow."

I am not alone in this fight, as my friends share the same complaints. How do I express my opinion on the correct way to greet one of your peers and the rudeness of these alternate gestures?

GENTLE READER: Keep reading. You will be disappointed to find that it is extremely bad manners to go around teaching etiquette, unasked, to people who are minding their own business.

Yes, Miss Manners understands how frustrating it is not to be able to annoy others with your newfound knowledge. Even she is bound by this rule, and only instructs when asked.

Besides, while the handshake is the standard dignified greeting, there is a whole other vocabulary for different situations. Your parents probably do not shake hands when they greet each other, and you might not care to have your future admirers do so. Among schoolmates, informal, faddish, well-meant salutations that do no physical damage should not be condemned.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When people make self-deprecating remarks that are not entirely untrue, how should one respond?

For example, I have a very slim friend who says, "I'm so fat, I need to work out." I know she is just looking for reassurance, and so I oblige with, "No, you look so thin."

However, I have been in the situation where an acquaintance or co-worker who is easily carrying an extra 100 pounds on their frame says it, and I do not know what to say. Agreeing with their self-insult seems hurtful, but disagreeing seems awkward, too.

GENTLE READER: You were not asked to vote, as Miss Manners understands it. You need only say something neutral, such as, "Oh, shouldn't we all?"

But even if this silly fishing expedition is cast as a direct question ("Do you think I'm overweight?"), you needn't take the bait. "Why?" you could ask in a surprised tone. "Is that what your doctor says?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I wonder if we need to send written thank-you cards to the people who brought a gift of $25 or less to my husband's surprise 60th birthday party.

GENTLE READER: You folks ever hear of "It's the thought that counts"?

No, Miss Manners thought not. In the time you spent figuring out what each present cost, you could have written gracious notes to everyone who was generous enough to give anything at all.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece will be getting married in a few months. Her fiance is wonderful, but his mother is known to have some control issues.

She offered her wedding dress to my niece, saying (as she wept) that she didn't have a daughter (she has three sons) and that there was no pressure. My niece has decided to wear the dress after having it altered, in an effort to please her future mother-in-law.

My niece's mother doesn't want to cause any problems, so she is staying out of it. I am of the opinion that it was entirely inappropriate to put my niece in such an awkward position.

Was it appropriate for her to make such a request? While she may not have a daughter, my niece's mother does, and the request from the future mother-in-law was, in my opinion, an insult to my niece's mother.

Is there anything to be done, or should I just stay out of it?

GENTLE READER: Your case for staying in must be that unlike the bride, you do not care to please the mother-in-law, and unlike the bride's mother, you do not mind causing problems. So -- speaking of control issues -- you propose taking control.

Frankly, Miss Manners thought the tearful offer of the dress touching. She cannot imagine how it could be construed as an insult to the bride's mother, unless the bride was going to wear that lady's dress, and the mother-in-law demanded that she wear hers instead.

In any case, it is neither prudent nor kind to attempt thwarting the wishes and overturning the decisions of three people more closely concerned than you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a place where the houses are close together. When we first moved in, the neighbors on the left invited us over for dinner right away.

We want to reciprocate, but my husband and I are having a disagreement over whether we also need to invite the neighbors on the right. His feeling is that because the houses are so close (and we will probably eat outside, and/or the kids will play outside before and after dinner), the neighbors on the right will hear us and be offended that they weren't included.

My feeling is that in such close quarters, you have to pretend you don't know your neighbors' business so they have no need to be offended, and that the only obligation is to reciprocate to the neighbors who had us over.

What is the right thing to do?

GENTLE READER: While agreeing with your point about neighbors needing to ignore what is accidentally overseen or heard, Miss Manners much prefers your husband's position.

It is true that you are not obligated to your neighbors on the right. But then, the neighbors on the left were not obligated to you when they invited you. Is your object to discharge your debt, or to have friendly relations with your neighbors?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)