Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a reasonably attractive woman who is blessed with a number of strikingly beautiful female friends. It's not uncommon for my friends to be approached by men, and when this happens at a dance club, I smile and give my blessing as my friends are whisked off to the dance floor.

After all, that's the culture of those places, isn't it? But in other situations, I sometimes find men's behavior to be more difficult to accept with grace.

A good friend and I had gone out for dinner and then to a local bar for drinks; our plan for the evening was to chat and catch up on each other's lives. An acquaintance of hers happened to be there and joined us at our table. My friend introduced me, and there were a few moments of pleasant small talk.

Then this man proceeded to angle his body toward my friend, stare at her, touch her on the arm, caress her face -- for all the world behaving as if they were on a date! When he went to the restroom, I pointed this out to my friend, who insisted that "he's not hitting on me; he acts like that toward everyone." (She did seem genuinely surprised to find out later that I had been right.)

While my friend continued to include me in the conversation, her acquaintance did not. I endured this man's behavior for some time, finally making an excuse to leave as gracefully as I could. I did this with a smile on my face, and neither one of them knew (until I discussed it with my friend the next day) that I had been angry.

I'm now wondering if there is anything I could have said or done, within the realm of polite conduct, to make it clear to the man that his conduct was unpleasant to me. I don't want to be rude in these situations -- especially as I expect it would be construed as jealousy or "sour grapes" -- but I also feel that making a polite excuse and heading home only rewards the man for his rudeness. While my evening is ruined, he gets exactly what he wants -- to be alone with the woman he's after. What should I do next time?

GENTLE READER: There is no need for you to make an excuse when you have already been excluded. Just make a graceful exit, saying, with as much good humor as you can muster, "You two seem to have a lot to talk about, so I'll leave you."

This should be addressed to both of them. If you are not urged to stay and the conversation opened to include you, and you still end up going home, Miss Manners trusts that you will know with whom you really should be upset for deserting you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I play role-playing games (like Dungeons and Dragons), and I always show up with snacks for everyone. Nine times out of 10, the other guys fail to bring anything, and what they have is for personal consumption. What is the polite way to play?

GENTLE READER: With this crowd, Miss Manners recommends after dinner.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I went to an interview for a part-time job wearing an expensive blazer and blouse, heels, good jewelry and makeup, along with a pair of classically tailored denim trousers -- not jeans.

The administrative assistant met me at the door with a full-bodied scream -- I do not exaggerate -- "You're wearing jeans! Mr. X. hates jeans."

I was somewhat taken aback, but I said calmly, "If you have a company dress code, I shall tell him that, if hired, I shall certainly comply with it."

Her response was to tell me that I could not interview that day and to come back when I was dressed differently. I left feeling confused and insulted. I was not told to wear specific clothes to the interview, and I certainly looked professional; I am 60 years old and a college professor.

My thoughts are that if this company did not want to hire me, that was entirely up to them, but to treat me this way was incredibly discourteous. Am I wrong to feel this way?

GENTLE READER: You are not, Miss Manners assumes, asking her to understand the distinction between denim trousers and jeans, even if Praxiteles himself did the alterations.

But perhaps she can help by sharing her suspicion that the administrative assistant may not have been acting with the full support of her boss and company. As you say, why would the company encourage such behavior?

If Miss Manners is correct, you might have a different problem, namely that the assistant, surprised at your compliance, neglected to mention to her boss not just your apparel, but your appearance. A written note to the boss explaining that you were sorry to be turned away from the interview should result in his either chastising the assistant or -- if she was transmitting his orders -- thanking her for sparing him the sight of denim.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter and her boyfriend eloped in Hawaii. His mother is on the East Coast and I'm on the West Coast. I've never met her, and I'd like to send her a card saying how sweet I think her son is and how happy I am for them ... along with congratulating the two new mothers-in-law!

I asked my daughter for her address, and she told me it would be too "weird" to write her. I'd love receiving a card from her! Do I need to catch up with this new generation?

GENTLE READER: "Weird"? To express good will to someone whom your daughter has brought into the family? You now have a relationship with this lady, and Miss Manners encourages you to welcome her, as well as to explain to your daughter that marriages unite two families.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A business associate, a lawyer in our firm, passed away. The cases that he was working on have been reassigned to my boss.

When is it appropriate to ask his staff to give me the files and discuss the cases with me? He passed away over the weekend and the funeral is today.

GENTLE READER: Mourning etiquette has recognized shades of gray for longer than it has clothed itself in black and (for children) white.

Those closest to the deceased are expected to grieve the most and need the greatest time to recover. Business associates at the office are presumed to be at the opposite end of a spectrum, able to carry on necessary business.

Shocking and upsetting as the loss may be to the staff of the deceased, etiquette does not require a waiting period before one can request the files, though Miss Manners would suggest not doing so on the day of the funeral.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have discussed with our children sending them to "Manners Camp." Despite our efforts, our children do not have the best manners.

GENTLE READER: If there is ever a case for home schooling, plus home camping, this is it.

No one is more aware than Miss Manners that there is major remedial work to be done in instilling manners in succeeding generations. Administering this is what keeps her from a pleasantly quiet life on the porch swing.

But she is the first to admit that manners, the principles of civilized behavior, and etiquette, the customs of one's own society, are too complex to be learned in one gulp. Like language, manners are more or less painlessly absorbed from childhood, not only through instruction, but through daily example and practice. Also like language, they are harder to master as an adult, which is when one is more likely to see the need.

Miss Manners is therefore immensely grateful to parents like you who are making the effort. She also understands that it is a long, sometimes discouraging process, and the idea of outsourcing it for a quick fix is tempting.

But as there is no quick fix, your discouragement is premature. Child-rearing takes a couple of decades, but is about as rewarding a pursuit as exists, and the greatest boon you can give to the child and to civilization.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette for an ex-spouse going to the other's home unannounced?

GENTLE READER: The same ban on unauthorized drop-ins prevails as for any non-resident of the house. And more so, Miss Manners notes, if the other ex-spouse has taken out a restraining order.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last week I visited a home, last occupied in the early 1900s, which has been turned into a museum. In the formal dining room, they had set the table with china and silver from that time period.

What was odd, however, was that the knives and spoons were on the left side and the napkins and forks were on the right side. They also put the pickle forks with the salad and dinner forks.

I'm guessing that was just to show the pretty silverware. The museum guide didn't know why the table had been set that way, since she didn't know it was wrong. She said she would ask the curator.

I was wondering if you know if that was the proper way to set a table around the turn of the century, or did someone just get confused?

GENTLE READER: Confused, or sadly ignorant of the most basic and traditional dining habits of our own society. Miss Manners has observed similarly mis-set tables in several museums, and fears that the curators are unaware of how people behaved, and of how embarrassed they would have been at this sloppiness.

Eating habits have changed over the centuries and vary among societies. The biggest early 20th-century change in regard to flatware was that the great variety of specialized eating instruments that appeared in the late Victorian era began disappearing during World War I, melted down for the silver content.

But no, the surviving forks and knives did not jump over the plates to change places.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)