DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm in a sticky situation at my college. During my freshman and sophomore years I was bullied by a group of five men. They made fun of me to my face, and they spread mean exaggerations and untrue rumors about me inside and outside class. This happened almost once per week.

The situation became so overwhelmingly humiliating, frustrating and infuriating that I completely cut off communication with one of the men. I do not talk to him or look at him ever, even though we have mutual friends and see each other frequently.

The problem is that I feel immature for using the "silent treatment." However, communicating with this guy has resulted in extreme humiliation, to the point that I became depressed.

In this case, is the "silent treatment" acceptable, or is it still juvenile and rude? The pros are that my reputation and self-esteem are safe(ish). The cons are that I look rude, he knows he's won, and it doesn't solve anything. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That it solves your having to deal with a bully.

The "silent treatment" that is rightly condemned generally refers to the refusal to speak to someone with whom one must get along, typically because they are in the same household or workplace. When a community does this to punish one of its members, it is called shunning. What makes it cruel is that it leaves the target isolated while unable to settle the problem through discussion.

What you propose -- refusing to socialize with someone who has behaved toward you in an uncivilized manner -- is different. It is what is known as administering the cut direct, and should be used only in cases of extreme bad behavior, but this appears to be such a case. Miss Manners only asks you to do this without making a spectacle of it that would attract attention.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have just acquired six lovely double-handled creamed soup cups and am wondering how to eat from them politely. Are the handles to be used? Why the difference between the bowl and the cup?

GENTLE READER: Yes, yes! Go ahead and pick up the cup by both handles and pour soup all over yourself.

But only at lunchtime. Soup cups work the day shift. At dinner, soup should be served in bowls or the more formal rimmed soup plates.

Strictly speaking, what you have are bouillon cups, although Miss Manners acknowledges that they have also long been pressed into service for cream soup.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter, a recent college graduate, has received invitations to several wedding showers in one month alone -- all of them including the phrase "share our joy!"

They are from all people she does not know well, and she is sending polite regrets.

These showers are attended by 100-plus people, most of whom are not invited to the wedding. Apparently this is their only opportunity to share the happy couple's joy. I really want to know what Miss Manners thinks.

GENTLE READER: The hosts probably don't. Miss Manners thinks it rude to invite people to a shower in connection with a wedding to which they will not be invited.

This adds to her suspicion about invitations to "share our joy." The joy that these couples are offering to inspire in those on their catch-all guest list seems to be the joy of giving, while they propose to have the joy of getting. Your daughter is wise to decline.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is to be a bridesmaid for a bride who is buying everyone shapewear, which they are expected to wear, and her mother is buying everyone "a good bra."

This seems to me to be a bit excessive, but as a woman in her seventh decade of life, perhaps I am just behind the times. How might one best handle this expectation?

GENTLE READER: If only Miss Manners could assume that members of the wedding party weren't going to be checked, airport security-style, to see if they were wearing the issued undergarments, you would be right up with the times. Airports are now banishing these invasive X-rays. Unfortunately, bridal dictators do not inspire such confidence.

Still, if your daughter does not want to wear the underwear, she needn't. If asked why not, she can simply say she tried it, it was uncomfortable, and she is happy to offer it back -- only slightly used.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there an acceptable way for a gentleman to introduce himself to a lady whose acquaintance he wishes to make, in a public place like a museum, store, bar or restaurant?

GENTLE READER: You mean other than by social media, hook-up apps and offensive one-liners?

Miss Manners commends you on your desire to forgo these regrettable practices and indeed prove yourself to be a gentleman.

As you seem to frequent interesting places, you could endeavor to strike up a conversation that relates to them -- an opinion or a recommendation -- and see where it leads. Just please be aware of social cues indicating absence of interest or of a mate. It occurs to Miss Manners that unwanted attention and lack of social graces are likely what have made the other methods so prevalent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two days ago, my brother-in-law's sister, whom I have spent only a small amount of time with, gave birth to twins, one of whom died in childbirth. I cannot imagine the grief felt by her and her family.

Normally, I would send a sympathy card for a death and a congratulatory card for the birth, but to do so in this case does not feel right. Sending one and not the other ignores one of the events, yet doing nothing also seems wrong.

What should I do? I am wondering if a sympathy card now and a congratulatory card later would be OK?

GENTLE READER: The parents are only too aware of their situation and the deeply conflicting emotions it brings. While Miss Manners sympathizes with your dilemma, she assures you that separating the letters will not make them more likely to forget either occurrence.

A sympathetic acknowledgment of the two events should be stated as simply as possible. "I am so excited about the arrival of the new baby, although terribly sorry for your loss. I look forward to meeting the little one as soon as you are ready for visitors."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have several very overweight friends whom we often entertain in our home. We have been friends for more than 40 years, and numerous times they have broken the frames of our sofas and have also have broken chairs.

One friend in particular comes over quite often to watch sports games. He is probably 300-plus pounds and tends to just plop down hard onto our furniture.

What can we do or say to our heavy friends? We just replaced our sofas, AGAIN.

GENTLE READER: Your 300-pound friend is aware of his effect on furniture, and Miss Manners assures you that he takes no more pleasure in hearing a couch support snap under him than you do in making repairs.

Guide him to a chair that will support his weight with the explanation that you are sure he will be comfortable there. If you don't possess such a chair, buying one has to be cheaper than continuing to replace sofas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I frequent a coffee shop that has an extremely heavy door. I make a point of opening it or holding it open for others.

At times there'll be a large group of women that I've held the door open for, and a long line inside the coffee shop. I've opened the door and held it open for, at times, four or five women.

This always puts me at the back of the line. Never once has a group of women asked me to go in front of them after holding the door open for them. On the other hand, most times if I hold the door open for one or more men, they almost always ask me to go in front of them. What is the etiquette here? And by holding the door open, do I assume that I should be in the back of the line?

GENTLE READER: Let us not jump to prejudicial conclusions here, as the difference in behavior might have more to do with number than gender.

If there are four or five ladies, the first of them will already be in line waiting for the others, who would all have to agree to move aside. But the gentlemen you cite do not seem to travel in groups, and thus would be approaching the line more or less the same time as you.

Still, it would be gracious for everyone to reciprocate by allowing you to go first in line. But any time you hold the door for another person, you are putting yourself at the back of some line, be it for the stairs, the elevator or getting to the office sooner. Miss Manners takes comfort in the belief that there is a more important, if less immediate, reward in behaving well.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an employee who answers my phones. She finds it easy to involve herself in all of my conversations with other people. I almost never can answer a question in my conversations because she takes over. I don't want her to be disgruntled. I just need a way to make her stop.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette sometimes requires subtlety or indirection. This is not one of those times.

You are the boss. Miss Manners suggests you tell your employee in a respectful but clear and decisive manner what you expect of her.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)