Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to leave a spoon in a cup or glass while drinking coffee, tea or iced tea?

GENTLE READER: No. Watching the spoon attempting to bang on the drinker's nose is unnerving, regardless of whether it succeeds.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law is getting married days before my husband and I will have our first child. She told me she wanted to throw a baby shower for me and even told me to save a date. My in-laws seem to be excited about us having a baby.

One of my dearest friends said that she wanted to help out with the shower and asked for her contact information. When I told my sister-in-law, she said that she did not want my friend's help, and that she and her mother planned a small family shower for me.

This led me to believe that it will be a shower just of my husband's family, as my mother has passed away and my small family mostly lives out of town.

This really hurt me, and I am not sure how to react. I want my family and my friends to celebrate my baby with me, but they would not be welcome to a shower thrown by my in-laws. I cannot talk to my husband about this, as I feel this will put him between a rock and a hard place.

I know it's immature for me to feel like I do, but now I do not want to go to my own shower. Should I just tell the in-laws to forget it and let my friends throw a shower for me instead? Should I grin and bear it, as this is my husband's family and will be a part of our lives forever? After this, I really do not want to spend too much time with them. What advice can you offer to me?

GENTLE READER: That you were right that these people will be part of your lives forever. And again when you said your desire to boycott the shower was immature.

Showers are supposed to be given by friends and not family. You may make one polite attempt to inform your sister-in-law of this ("Oh dear, I don't want to look as if the family is begging for gifts on my behalf"), as well as point out that she will have her own wedding to worry about.

But if both attempts fail, you must politely endure. Miss Manners is further willing to break a second rule on your behalf -- that one should not have more than one shower -- as long as you can assure her that the guest list will not be repeated.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the years, we have given our family the equivalent of an entire meal to take home after Thanksgiving. This year we are not providing "take-out meals" in addition to hosting for two and a half days and the Thanksgiving Day dinner. We know the family will expect this. How do we address this?

GENTLE READER: By not overestimating their capacity, so that when they go begging, you can honestly say, "You ate it all."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: From the perspective of a retired business executive, I do not find complaints about delays in hiring decisions unusual.

As things go, a job is offered to the winning candidate, and the employer waits for that candidate to accept before posting the job as filled. Should that candidate not accept or fail the drug testing, etc., the employer then has candidates two, three and so forth to fall back on.

I firmly believe that many of today's young men and women are so impatient that they expect immediate gratification on so many fronts. Society has taught these folks these bad habits and that behavior is, unfortunately, rampant.

Just look around the dining room during your next meal out and witness all of the patrons who are preoccupied with their texting, emailing, etc., during a meal. Disgusting!

Has the advent of instant messaging changed the time allowed to respond to business or personal correspondence?

GENTLE READER: Certainly. An American gentleman writing to his tailor in London in the 19th century had to be content to wait the months it could take a letter to reach its destination. Technology today makes it possible to respond almost instantaneously, and this has indeed shortened what is considered to be an acceptable wait.

But that is not the only factor. As you note, some delays are dictated by considerations other than the speed of the delivery service. A lady may wish to consider before accepting a proposal of marriage. If she requires an unusually long period for reflection, Miss Manners suggests she send an intermediate communication naming the time at which an answer may be expected.

The same rule may be applied to business correspondence.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have invited a few friends over for Thanksgiving dinner. I was asked by some guests how many turkeys would I be preparing, and also was told how they prepared their stuffing and how much they like it that way!

After I said I might make a ham (for another friend who does not like turkey), I was told I should make a roast beef instead! I was flabbergasted on their comments from preparation to what I should make!

In the past when I have invited this couple, not once have they ever offered to bring a dish to pass nor any other way to help, nor a hostess gift or thank-you card.

Am I in the right to be upset? I feel very frustrated to have someone tell me what and how to do something with my own Thanksgiving dinner. My husband and I are thinking about doing a family dinner only now, as I am too afraid I'll get argumentative if these guests comment on something!

GENTLE READER: Perhaps you can explain to Miss Manners why you have continued to invite thankless people to Thanksgiving dinner. It seems singularly inappropriate.

In any case, the time to argue -- quietly and politely -- is at the first instance of interference. You should say: "I'll try to plan a menu that pleases everyone, but I'm not taking individual orders. I hope you will join us anyway."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For the past 10 years, my family has been celebrating Thanksgiving at my sister and brother-in-law's home. Now we have received an email from our brother-in-law about how to dress when coming to Thanksgiving dinner.

My sister explains his lengthy treatise by saying that "he just feels very strongly about the way women dress these days."

By the tone of the three-page treatise, we can see that he is very upset about the current state of "undress" of the female of the species, i.e., low-cut tops showing cleavage and breasts.

None of the females who attend the dinner each year has ever dressed in the manner he describes, but we are tempted to do so, now that he has warned us not to!

Actually, we might have even agreed with some of his points if discussed at dinner, but we have never before received an email from him and do not wish to argue with him via the Internet. We are wavering between covering ourselves from head to toe or wearing the lowest-cut tops we own.

Which would you recommend, and what do you think about the inappropriateness of his warning?

GENTLE READER: The total cover-up has Miss Manners' vote as a response to this email, which is not just inappropriate but extra-insulting, as it was unprovoked by you recipients.

You should aim for satire, not rebellion, which would only provoke a matching speech, setting a new record for soporific holiday dinners.

You have forwarded the entire long text of your brother-in-law's rant, and Miss Manners was struck by his annoyance that the local newspaper did not print his views of the decline of civilization as expressed in female fashion, and his accusations that he finds this not only tasteless and somehow "aggressive," but also "sexually provocative." So he has self-published, as it were, an unprovoked attack on a captive audience.

He seems sadly in need of a ranting blog, where he might find like-minded people to encourage him.

Then there is his suggestion that his wife be asked to testify that "I am anything but puritanical in our private life." Talk about tasteless!

Oh, well. Miss Manners hopes that you are able to salvage some merriment out of the occasion. What is Thanksgiving without a nutty relative?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I love hosting family dinners on holidays. But I have family members who think that if they don't show up, they are still entitled to some of the food.

And if they do show up, they think they're entitled to take some of the food home with them, even if they never bought the food and more guests are still on their way.

Should there be a limit on food quantity, too? How do you define moderation when it comes to drinking sodas and eating burgers?

GENTLE READER: May Miss Manners skip that last question if she addresses the rest of your query? She considers it rude to monitor how much people eat -- or, in the case of Thanksgiving, pick on people for not eating enough.

Your relatives have evidently mistaken your home for a soup kitchen. You have no obligation to run one for them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)