Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a dear friend who periodically sends out texts to everyone on her smartphone contact list for holidays: "Happy New Year!", "Happy 4th!", etc.

It is nice to receive them, but some people respond to it by unwittingly replying to all, meaning I also see a total stranger's reply to her on my phone. This is no big deal, but sometimes it turns into a more personal conversation between two people, and I am also seeing their messages to each other.

Do I just ignore the whole thing, or do I let them know at some point that their messages are not private? If I do break in, how do I politely phrase it?

I don't wish to cause trouble or embarrassment, but wish they would keep their conversation to themselves, just as I hope that my messages to my friend are kept private.

GENTLE READER: Warning someone who incorrectly believes he is having a private conversation is always good manners and often good public policy. Miss Manners will be brief, as she also suggests you do so quickly, before they start discussing you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last fall, my niece and her fiance mailed out "save the date" notices for their wedding. My parents received one. I just found out my parents were not included on the invitation list due to the fact that the wedding couple could afford to invite only so many people.

My parents had scheduled their annual vacation at that same time, but canceled it because they thought they would be invited to the wedding.

I have a major problem with these "save the date" notices just because of this situation. This is something they should have figured out in the first place before they mailed those notices out, and it puts many people in awkward positions and hurts feelings. I am angry because it really hurt my parents' feelings, and their vacation is ruined.

I have not discussed this with my niece or my in-laws. Should I address this or just let it go? I think it's extremely rude and totally inconsiderate, to say the least.

GENTLE READER: When save-the-date cards were first invented, Miss Manners welcomed them as a way of alerting guests to, well, save the date, not to mention taking advantage of airfare sales. She should have known that people would start misusing them.

Guests were afraid that these required committing themselves so far in the future that they could not think of excuses to decline. But actually, they are merely announcements; answers are required only when the actual invitations arrive.

But those must, indeed, eventually arrive. To treat the advance notices as lottery tickets -- that lucky you may, or may not, be chosen to attend -- is arrogant, callous and disgraceful.

If there are other marriages pending in that branch of the family, it might be useful to mention that your parents never got their invitation. Otherwise, it is hard to see what you would gain by telling your in-laws how rude they are.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a widow who has been seeing a widower for over a year. He is such a lovely and distinguished gentleman. We are planning on being married soon.

We are both in our 80s and do not wish to live together without being married. We feel it sends the wrong message to our children and grandchildren.

I am puzzled as to how I should introduce my gentleman friend to my friends. At our age, is it appropriate to introduce him as my fiance?

GENTLE READER: It is true that the term "fiance" is now used in odd ways. Miss Manners has noticed that in news accounts, if an unmarried mother is beaten up by the father of at least some of her children, he will be identified as her boyfriend, whereas if he is not mistreating her, he is referred to as her fiance. It, and the female equivalent, is often used by couples who seem to have no intention of being married.

But she is puzzled about why you believe there is an age limit in using the term correctly, to describe the gentleman you do, indeed, plan to marry. As with the terms "husband" and "wife," there is no association with age.

Perhaps you are reacting against the sudden descent into girlishness that so often overtakes brides who are independent and over the age of consent -- the bouffant white dresses, the summoning of someone to give them away, the notion that others must refurnish their long-since-established households.

Miss Manners is indulgent about those aspects that are merely in questionable taste, although she roundly condemns grabbiness in bridal couples of any age. But though she admires second and late-life weddings that are sophisticated, rather than showy, she doesn't want to spoil the fun of those who crave all-out pageants.

She would be sorry to think that the show business wedding had come to be so accepted as the standard that you and your lovely, distinguished fiance could not use the traditional terms.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you serve for family members at Thanksgiving who have invited themselves over for Thanksgiving dinner, but who do not eat turkey or ham?

GENTLE READER: Sweet potatoes and patience.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In our guest bath, I have a rectangular napkin holder for folded decorative paper napkins to be used by guests for drying their hands. My thought is that I am providing our guests with a more sanitary way to dry their hands rather than multiple guests using the same hanging hand towels.

What is mind-boggling to me is that many guests appear to prefer using the hanging hand towels rather than the disposable decorative napkins. Am I off base in believing that the disposable decorative napkins are a nice and appropriate alternative?

GENTLE READER: The guests are using the guest towels? Shocking! But at least when you slap their hands, their hands will be dry.

What boggles Miss Manners' mind is why anyone would hang towels in the bathroom when expecting guests who are not expected to use them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to leave a spoon in a cup or glass while drinking coffee, tea or iced tea?

GENTLE READER: No. Watching the spoon attempting to bang on the drinker's nose is unnerving, regardless of whether it succeeds.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law is getting married days before my husband and I will have our first child. She told me she wanted to throw a baby shower for me and even told me to save a date. My in-laws seem to be excited about us having a baby.

One of my dearest friends said that she wanted to help out with the shower and asked for her contact information. When I told my sister-in-law, she said that she did not want my friend's help, and that she and her mother planned a small family shower for me.

This led me to believe that it will be a shower just of my husband's family, as my mother has passed away and my small family mostly lives out of town.

This really hurt me, and I am not sure how to react. I want my family and my friends to celebrate my baby with me, but they would not be welcome to a shower thrown by my in-laws. I cannot talk to my husband about this, as I feel this will put him between a rock and a hard place.

I know it's immature for me to feel like I do, but now I do not want to go to my own shower. Should I just tell the in-laws to forget it and let my friends throw a shower for me instead? Should I grin and bear it, as this is my husband's family and will be a part of our lives forever? After this, I really do not want to spend too much time with them. What advice can you offer to me?

GENTLE READER: That you were right that these people will be part of your lives forever. And again when you said your desire to boycott the shower was immature.

Showers are supposed to be given by friends and not family. You may make one polite attempt to inform your sister-in-law of this ("Oh dear, I don't want to look as if the family is begging for gifts on my behalf"), as well as point out that she will have her own wedding to worry about.

But if both attempts fail, you must politely endure. Miss Manners is further willing to break a second rule on your behalf -- that one should not have more than one shower -- as long as you can assure her that the guest list will not be repeated.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the years, we have given our family the equivalent of an entire meal to take home after Thanksgiving. This year we are not providing "take-out meals" in addition to hosting for two and a half days and the Thanksgiving Day dinner. We know the family will expect this. How do we address this?

GENTLE READER: By not overestimating their capacity, so that when they go begging, you can honestly say, "You ate it all."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)