Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance has a skull collection and has found a bride/groom skull set he would like to use as our wedding cake topper.

I am unopposed to this and see humor in it. My mother feels this is very inappropriate and might offend some guests. I would like to support my fiance and not allow my mother to intrude on our wedding planning, but I am unsure if indeed this is rude, and if I should take my mother's advice.

GENTLE READER: Aside from the disturbing symbolism of a dead couple on a wedding cake, who wants to eat cake with bones in it?

Miss Manners is as appalled by this as she is by the idea that your mother shouldn't have any say in "your" wedding. Your mother is correct in thinking that this will upset guests and will hardly be worth whatever humor you might find in it. Be assured that there will be many ways to support your prospective husband that you need not make public. Start applying them now.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to mention in a Christmas note with a card that your husband left? Some people I will be sending cards to do not know and will wonder why just one signature.

GENTLE READER? Suppose you received a card saying, "Merry Christmas, my husband left me"? What would you reply?

Miss Manners would have thought that social media postings had eliminated the impulse to fold sad announcements into holiday greetings. Those to whom you are close can be told in a letter or telephone call.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While gift registries may never be "proper," they are a necessity in today's world.

I had a relative who lives far away from me, who neglected to have a bridal registry. She ended up having to make one at the last minute to alleviate the burden of her and her husband-to-be's parents having to field many questions from attendees. They ended up having to start an informal list of what the folks who called in said they were bringing, because these attendees did not want their gift duplicated!

Additionally, it made it easier for me to attend. I was able to order the (large) gift in advance and have it wrapped and waiting on hold for me to pick it up when I got to my destination. All I needed to pack was my handwritten gift card.

It also makes it easier and more economical for the gift giver who is not able to attend. Most registries offer free shipping and free gift wrap. In today's day, when often the events are far from even the hometowns of the recipients, gift registries are important.

GENTLE READER: Sorry, but you are not going to win this argument with Miss Manners, especially when the particular solution you describe (minus the registry) is actually more correct. Having a gift wrapped and sent in advance is the proper way to send wedding gifts and conveniently easier for both the long-distance traveler and the bride who doesn't want to lug home gifts after her wedding.

Miss Manners hopes that she is not the first to inform you that most stores -- actual and virtual -- will ship their merchandise, no registry necessary. And if there are duplicate presents, the bride can always return them.

Now wasn't that easy?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece (23 years old) regularly texts during movies. When I was at a movie with her and my partner, I asked her not to text during the movie because it would upset my partner. She said OK and did not text.

My niece later told us that her boyfriend suspected her of cheating on him because she said she was at the movie with her "aunt" but wasn't texting.

In having this discussion, my partner said texting in a theater is rude, period, and went on about it. In my opinion, it is rude to call someone rude to their face. Do you think my partner was rude by calling my niece rude?

GENTLE READER: Yes, and doubly so since your niece did not, at your request, text during the movie you attended together. Miss Manners notes that you, your partner, your niece and your niece's boyfriend are all in agreement that there are some activities that should not be interrupted by texting. We are simply disagreeing over what those are.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have friends who got engaged about a month ago. They refer to each other as fiancee and fiance, even though I clearly know they are engaged. They don't use their names even to close friends since their engagement.

I would understand if they were a young couple or on first marriages, but this is her third and his second marriage and they are in their 50s. It's just kind of annoying. I am happy for them, but I am wondering if this is a common or accepted practice.

GENTLE READER: As you are already happy for your friends, what would you have them do to make you even happier? Refrain from reveling in their new tie, on the grounds that they are too old or maritally experienced?

Of course there is reveling and reveling. It would be understandable to be annoyed by a couple who behaved in your presence as if they were alone. But to object to their use of the correct formal terms strikes Miss Manners as churlish.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a close friend die unexpectedly and my daughter sent me a text to notify me. I was upset at the news and with the way it was delivered.

I told my daughter this, but she said that is how her generation does things.

GENTLE READER: It may be, but your concern is with what your daughter should have done, not with what her contemporaries are doing.

News of the death of someone dear to you should not be delivered casually, which is more easily accomplished in some technologies than in others. Assuming that your daughter knew you could be reached more quickly through a text -- and that you would want to hear the news as soon as possible -- Miss Manners would still have advised her to text you that she has urgent news, asking you to call.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation to a "black tie gala event" to be held by a federal government agency.

I had previously received a "save the date" notice, which I shared with my wife. We both thought she would be invited, but unfortunately, I just found out from the event coordinator that she is not invited because of "limited seating" and the apparent need to invite interested members of Congress.

Indeed, the invitation simply says "you." I know that proper etiquette would be to include the spouse in a wedding invitation. Does that also apply to a "black tie gala event"? Or is our hurt at this perceived slight unjustified?

GENTLE READER: It is a shock to Miss Manners' patriotic heart to hear that the federal government is categorizing people as first- and second-class citizens. You may well believe that members of Congress were not asked to attend a "gala" without spouses, partners or acquaintances.

But perhaps this was a lesser transgression. You neglected to tell Miss Manners whether you work for that agency.

In that case, you should not have been sent an invitation, as if you were to be there as a guest. Rather, you should have been asked if you were willing to work that evening, answering questions, touting the agency's mission, explaining where the bathrooms were. You would be dressed as a guest, but under no illusion that you were being offered hospitality, and you wife would not be included unless she, too, worked for the agency.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My Thanksgiving was ruined by people that my brother allowed in his house.

I told his girlfriend not to bring or cook a turkey, as I had one already there.

I was cooking said bird when she and two others arrived, already stewed to the gills. They took out my bird and threw it over the backyard fence.

I knew their bird was rancid, as I have been trained as a chef. I told my bro not to eat it. He ate it and was very sick for four days.

I ate one bite and wrapped what was left in my napkin. I proceeded to the nearest hospital, where I work, and had it tested. Salmonella, big time.

Do you think it was rude of me to do so? I warned her about her bird. She nearly killed my bro. What can I do?

GENTLE READER: (1) Check on the neighbors. Even on Thanksgiving, they cannot have expected delivery of an airborne fowl.

(2) Make other plans for Christmas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How long should one wait in anticipation of a wedding and/or baby shower gift? Should you mention in passing that you have not received one yet?

GENTLE READER: Before you put a collection agency to work on them?

It does not seem to have occurred to you that giving presents is a voluntary act. Miss Manners recommends concentrating your attention on enjoying your marriage or baby, rather than on using them for material advantage.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)