Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter was 7.5 months pregnant when the ultrasound relayed that her baby had passed away. Her baby shower was around the corner, and we have many gifts here.

I am wondering, what is the protocol? My husband and I would like to keep the gifts as an encouragement to our daughter for the future. Some have already told me to keep the gift. Do I ask each person, or does my daughter just send thank-you notes?

GENTLE READER? The former. Your daughter doesn't (and shouldn't) have to express thanks for presents she has not received. Please spare her the pain of explaining the situation to each person.

Since you will need to cancel the shower anyway, tell each guest that you will make arrangements to return the presents. If they decline the offer (which they likely will do, but you cannot suggest it), then you may keep them tucked away for future use.

But Miss Manners begs you not to tell your daughter of your plan. It is unlikely that the prospect of receiving presents will be an effective -- or tactful -- way to encourage her to try again.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm planning to visit a town where I lived and worked for a number of years. A dear friend who is still there wants to gather all our old colleagues for a picnic or series of luncheons.

I recognize this as a very kind gesture on her part. However, these former colleagues and I have not stayed in touch, and, although we spent time together in groups on a regular basis, we never hung out together individually.

I don't really consider them old friends. A couple of them are good friends with my good friend, but they were never people whose company I enjoyed, frankly. Nonetheless, she considers them my good friends as well -- sort of by osmosis.

I really don't want to spend precious time with any of these people, "catching up" when we never bothered to before. I honestly don't dislike them, but there are several good friends outside this group that I do plan to visit with during my limited time in town.

Is there any gracious way to ask my good friend not to plan my social calendar, or do I just try to grin and bear it? I couldn't not tell her of my impending visit so she wouldn't have time to plan anything.

GENTLE READER: Tell her thank you for the offer, but that your time on this visit is limited, and the two of you have so much to catch up on that you really would prefer to keep it just the two of you. Further add that there are a few other friends about whom you feel the same way. If your friend continues to push her plans, Miss Manners suggests you assure her that there will be other visits where you are not so pressed for time.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Nowadays when I call someone, the voice mail message often instructs me to "hang up and text me." This is said in a surprised, aggravated tone, as if I were violating an established rule known to everyone else.

Is this really the etiquette now? People would rather read badly typed, semi-coherent message fragments than have an actual conversation?

I think texting is fine for quick little messages and reminders, but I cannot imagine conducting the equivalent of a normal phone conversation by text. I know people are busy and don't always have time to chat on the phone, but I cannot help thinking that this new directive is rude.

GENTLE READER: It is true that one need not make oneself available to all forms of communication. Miss Manners choses not to get her feet wet at the beach retrieving discarded bottles on the off-chance that they may contain correspondence.

But once you have activated a voice mailbox, it is only polite to check it. Recognizing that one does not always have a choice in such matters, Miss Manners will allow for a gracious message to the effect that this box is not checked frequently, so that if your matter is urgent, you may prefer to use an alternate form of communication.

Meanwhile, send an email -- not a text, because you needn't follow rude instructions -- saying you would like to talk to that person sometime.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At family Christmas gatherings at my brother's house, his wife has an annoying habit of announcing what will be served to the guests, much like a waitress reciting the daily specials at a restaurant. She claims this is "dinner party" etiquette.

GENTLE READER: Not exactly, but it is not improper to do something that will strike you as even more restaurant-like: provide a menu.

Not, Miss Manners hastens to add, a list to be passed out with choices. The proper way to do this is to put little handwritten cards at intervals along the table so that the diners know what is to be served and can pace themselves. These days, fearing the worst, she had better specify that they should not contain prices.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When does the desire and pleasure found in continuing the traditions of the past become an annoying affectation?

I am not speaking of you. Nor am I referring to those rituals most necessary to the comfort of the bereaved or to the celebration of loved ones' accomplishments or milestones. I speak merely of those of us belonging to a generation who enjoy such relatively small courtesies as sending thank-you notes for dinner parties.

When does sending such a note, perhaps on embossed card stock, become an intolerable affectation that rather offends or aggravates than gratifies the majority? Of course, one would otherwise send a more informal thank-you message by way of email or text.

GENTLE READER: We have not reached that point yet -- not because there is nothing left for Miss Manners to do, but rather because the dinner party is sadly disappearing at the same rate as the accompanying letters of thanks. Miss Manners is ordering more card stock, and suggests that you do the same.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it possible to discourage or redirect adult relatives away from the practice of making Christmas lists?

I have tried and failed -- so far. At the tender age of 53, I am embarrassed to write out a "Dear Santa" letter, especially since my husband and I are lucky enough to be able to buy everything we need and much of what we want.

My relatives (siblings, their spouses, my mother) are in similarly good financial condition. However, they exert a great deal of pressure to produce these Christmas lists, which suggests to me that they can't be bothered coming up with something to wrap up and put under the tree.

It's depressing -- are we really such strangers to each other? I would be happy to forgo gifts altogether, but that option was not popular with my family. It seems so silly and kind of sad to buy things for people they could easily buy for themselves. It's not really the end of the world to take a chance on someone even if the present later ends up being re-gifted or sent to charity, is it?

GENTLE READER: Like you, Miss Manners has tried and --so far -- pretty much failed to discourage people from trashing the ancient custom of exchanging presents and substituting the exchange of shopping lists.

What (she keeps asking) is the point? The choice of presents is supposed to produce that warm feeling of knowing that someone else has noticed you and considered how to please you. When that element of thoughtfulness is eliminated, what is left?

Of course she knows that the real answer is getting stuff one wants and having other people pay for it. But as a rough reciprocity is required, no one should come out ahead.

Some people solve this by making charitable donations in one another's names, instead, but that, too, is something people should make their own choices about and do themselves, not to mention for which they should get the tax credit.

Until we succeed in making people understand the value and meaning of giving presents, Miss Manners suggests that you nudge them toward a minimal amount of thoughtfulness by listing "A book, DVD or CD that you think I might enjoy."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We just moved to a very small town, away from all of our family and friends. Due to a back injury, I am unable to cook Christmas dinner.

Would it be inappropriate to post on Facebook a request for an invite to spend Christmas with somebody local? It is just my husband and I. If that is OK to do, what would be an appropriate manner to phrase the request?

GENTLE READER: While kindly souls may be grateful for the chance to take in the destitute at Christmastime, Miss Manners has the impression that you do not qualify. And advertising that you would merely like to be invited out is a bit crass.

What you could do is to see whether there are any community organizations that do serve Christmas dinners to those in need, and ask whether there is any help you can offer that would not strain your back. At the least, you will have made overtures to local people who may invite you next year.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)