DEAR MISS MANNERS: We had four children about five years apart, lots of gifts under the tree, and a very calm, enjoyable, fun-filled Christmas morning. It was a family time. Dad gave someone a gift. It was opened, admired by all, thanked, and a hug and a kiss if it was from one of the family present, and an easy jotting down if there was a need to write a thank-you.

Then we'd stop, have breakfast, go to church, have lunch, take a walk, or just break to enjoy what we had received. It was fun to watch that perhaps one child (or each in turn) was more excited about giving the gift they had purchased or made to one of the siblings or parents. And that child got to present the gift to the sibling. Some Christmases it took us all day to open the gifts or even into the next day. As the older children began to read and write, they often wanted to be the note keeper.

I have always been thankful for the way we handled Christmas morning. Speak of teaching patience! The joy of giving. Concern for others. Sharing. I could go on and on.

GENTLE READER: Like a sack of coal, Miss Manners' annual holiday mailbag is filled with accounts of greed, strife and ingratitude. She is immensely grateful to have found this gem among them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Three weeks ago, Sue, a high school classmate, informed me that a third classmate, Kelly, was throwing a party for our class, as well as for a few classes preceding and following ours. Kelly asked Sue to help get the word out. Anyway, I eagerly accepted the invitation from Sue to Kelly's party.

A few days later, I had second thoughts and called Sue and said I really didn't want to go. She asked why, and I told her, honestly, that none of my close friends from those days were going, and I didn't feel like making small talk with classmates I essentially never see.

She informed me she had already told Kelly that I was coming and that Kelly was excited I was coming. (We were only casual friends in high school.) I asked Sue to please tell Kelly I said hello, and she said she would.

I am concerned that I may have hurt Kelly's feelings, especially since Sue likely relayed my reneging verbatim. Should I send Kelly some kind of apology? Should I just let sleeping dogs lie?

GENTLE READER: Is everyone in this situation still in high school?

Miss Manners is certain that your letter indicates not, but all parties are assuredly acting as if they are.

Yes, it is rude to decline an invitation saying that you do not feel like making small talk (Miss Manners hates to inform you that is the very definition of a party). It is also rude to issue an invitation through a third party.

You could set an example of maturity by talking to them both directly. Tell Sue that you regret having declined the invitation on silly grounds, and Kelly that you are sorry that you missed her party and hope that she will forgive you about any misunderstandings resulting from the indirect communication.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Shrugs have always been poor manners, or at least that is what I was taught. When asked a question, you should give a proper verbal answer.

My stepson has now started to shrug in response to things, and then actually to say "Shrug" as his verbal response. I have not corrected him, and he does not mean to give offense. I'm just puzzled.

If you verbally say "Shrug" as an indication of your disinterest/not caring about a question, is that considered a proper verbal response?

By the way, the statement of nonverbals seems to be catching among the teenage generation. I've also heard "Yawn" to indicate boredom and "Gulp" to indicate trouble. Maybe it's all that texting.

GENTLE READER: It might be an even older phenomenon, namely comic books.

The rudeness is not the fact of the shrug being nonverbal -- presumably you do not have a court reporter handy who needs oral responses -- but rather that it shows disrespect. This is true however the shrug is conveyed.

As parents, you or your husband should talk to your stepson and tell him that this is not acceptable behavior. Miss Manners recommends avoiding the phrases "Kapow!" and "Bam!"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a fight with my girlfriend and we haven't spoken since the week before Thanksgiving. She left a Christmas gift at my house today. I do not want to continue our relationship. What should I do with the gift?

GENTLE READER: Return it, with a polite note of thanks and the explanation that under the circumstances, you do not feel you can take advantage of her generosity. Not returning it would signal a possible willingness to return, Miss Manners must warn you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a director at a church weekday program. We had a training last night at work for the faculty. After the meeting, it was brought to my attention by another teacher that texting was being done during the meeting. I am not sure what my approach to confronting the employees should be. I am upset that they did not feel it was important enough to give me their undivided attention.

Please advise on this matter. Our policy states that because we are a licensed day care facility, we will not use our phones at work. Each employee signs the policy at the beginning of the year. The meeting and training was fun, and it was on the subject of "cooking with children" in the classroom.

GENTLE READER: Reminding people of your policy at the beginning of a training session is not out of place. But Miss Manners feels that your particular circumstances make the task easier than usual. Pass around an empty soup pot, and ask the trainees to deposit their phones into it. In addition to enforcing the policy, you will be reminding your students that it is not difficult to imagine what might go wrong when bringing children, open flames and electronics into close proximity.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 39-year-old wife, turning 40 in 2015. I am very happily married, moderately successful and childless.

Since my wedding 16 years ago, I have not had an occasion to "be celebrated," and I think it's about high time! No baby showers, no children who will graduate or get married. No grandchildren.

Frankly, a girl needs a reason to get dolled up, buy a gown and get some attention, and I, for one, don't think there is anything wrong with that.

Can my husband and I throw a classy, formal "black and white" party for friends and family that celebrates, well, me? Gifts would be gratefully declined and donations made to a worthy cause instead, for those who feel moved to do so.

My parents are, thankfully, still here, and my sisters' kids are now adults but not yet married and moved on. Now seems like a great time to celebrate life!

Or am I just a total crazy person who is so self-centered she can't see past her very own nose to realize that this is a really bad idea?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but there is an awful lot of that going around. Miss Manners has the impression that if you asked people whom they most admired and would like to honor, they would freely admit it was themselves.

The selfie party, for whatever excuse, has become commonplace. Grown-ups throw themselves annual birthday parties, brides and expectant parents demand showers, and those who, like you, missed a possible milestone that could have been such an occasion are asking for compensation.

At least you are not proposing this as an excuse to extract material tributes. And the desire to dress up and have a festive time, in this era of relentless casualness, is understandable. So if you are willing to make some minor adjustments, Miss Manners would be happy to help.

Give your formal party, buy yourself that dress, celebrate life, just don't advertise that it is all about you. Don't call it a birthday party -- just a party, whose object is to give your guests a good time. Occasion parties have so crowded out purely-for-fun parties that your friends are bound to be delighted and grateful.

And that way, you will be celebrated for what you have done for others, instead of what you have demanded for yourself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband has always refused to wear a tuxedo at the few formal events we have attended since retirement, but I am now hoping to get him into a dinner jacket for formal nights on a cruise.

Are these two styles interchangeable? What kind of occasions call for which mode?

GENTLE READER: Good news for your husband: He can wear a dinner jacket, with Miss Manners' approval. That is because "dinner jacket" is a fastidious term for what is commonly called a tuxedo.

Some time after 1886, when tailless (and thus relatively informal) evening clothes for men first appeared, the name this suit picked up from being introduced at the Tuxedo Club in Tuxedo Park, New York, came to be considered too commercial for gentlemanly use. On invitations, the correct term is "black tie" (as opposed to "white tie," the now-rare full evening dress), and in conversation, it is a dinner jacket, with the pants simply assumed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)