DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was introduced to a young dandy about my age who had worn his feathered fedora during a church wedding and was now wearing it at the reception.

Presumably I was expected to concur with his being introduced as "the most dapperest man I know" and to immediately compliment his attire.

Do you have a better retort than the one I used: "Gosh, you are so well-dressed. Foolish me, failing to protect my eyes from the blinding rays of that chandelier."

GENTLE READER: "Most dapperest"? A man wearing a hat indoors seems to Miss Manners to be the most rudest. There was no need for you to comment at all. Just a weak smile and innocuous comment about the wedding would have sufficed -- until you were able to make a polite getaway.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I attended the opening performance of a major orchestra. We had excellent seats (the second box in the first balcony) and were seated with five other couples that we did not know.

Three of those five couples spoke multiple times during the orchestra's performance of Mahler's Second Symphony. I was at a loss about what to do. Whispering during movies is so common now that I know that I've lost that battle, but I'm not ready to give up the fight at a performance of one of the finest orchestras in the world.

Would it be appropriate to make a general statement to our box before the performance begins? I'm thinking of something like this: "I'm sure nobody in this box would think of it, but let's all agree not to whisper to our companions during the performance."

Or would it be more appropriate to wait for the intermission and speak directly to anyone who has spoken during the first piece?

GENTLE READER: The best defense is a good offense (look at Miss Manners getting all sporty), but that said, the approach you're considering is just slightly condescending and prissy. Those with rebellious leanings might want to defy you just for the fun of it.

Instead, you might tell a cautionary tale of the aforementioned event in which people were so brazen as to speak during the performance (presuming the current attendants were not among them). This will make your point without directly implicating your new companions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS? Do you think that wearing sunglasses and/or a headset when you visit friends at their home is appropriate? Walking down the street, is it appropriate to wear your headset while listening to music or answering the phone?

My friend thinks it's OK because that's the way he was brought up. When I tried to explain to him that it's rude, he got upset at me.

GENTLE READER: Goodness knows that the way one was brought up isn't an excuse for rude behavior. It is often, as in this case, the culprit.

Wearing a headset or sunglasses while in someone's home is impolite (unless the latter is for medical reasons). Walking down the street with them is not, although Miss Manners warns against playing music so loudly that you can't hear oncoming traffic -- or your friends giving you misinformation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Spontaneity is often referred to as the "spice of life." I love being spontaneous, if I can.

But now I'm being spontaneously called on with increasing frequency for a variety of meetings by a person who may become a business partner. The first time, I rearranged another engagement to meet with her spontaneously. By the third time, I said no. I couldn't rearrange my schedule.

I feel that she doesn't value and respect my time. What should I tell her the next time she asks me to appear spontaneously?

GENTLE READER: As you have discovered, spontaneity is less charming when it is used to justify rudeness (as it often is to explain not answering social invitations).

Miss Manners would hope that a prospective business partner would also value reliability and respect. But if that is not the case, why allow her to endanger your other professional relationships? Next time she asks, tell her, with charming spontaneity, that while you would love to, you have a prior commitment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the type of person whom people confide in. Hopefully this is because I am discreet and comforting.

But when the confidence becomes public -- a serious illness, a divorce, a job promotion or departure -- I am often asked if I was aware of the situation. I am at a loss as to how to respond.

I truly have no problem lying and saying, "No." This, however, became an issue in the past when it was discovered that I did know and had lied to a friend about this fact.

How can I respond to what I think are inappropriate queries in a way that is relatively honest but not indicative of the trust placed in me?

I've tried evasion. "It is unfortunate, but he is doing well now." "I think she will land on her feet with a new position." That sort of thing. Yet, this never seems to do the trick, and the pressing about my "in-the-know" position continues.

GENTLE READER: Assuming you were too discreet to tell a third party about the confidence, Miss Manners surmises that your having known could only have been revealed through a slip on the part of another confidant -- or of the confidee.

The correct response to the nosy person is misdirection: "I know it was a difficult time for him, and I know how much he appreciates being able to confide in his friends." If your inquisitor does not understand, you could state coldly that you do not know how much your friend would want you to say.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The owner of our company will often forward emails to us (staff), and all she will type is "Please handle" or sometimes just "Handle." I perceive both of these as rather rude, but I want to make sure that I'm not just simply too sensitive to rudeness.

GENTLE READER: The former, though brief, is a complete thought -- and nearly a complete sentence. As such, it receives Miss Manners's approval. The latter does not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a veteran with 23 years of service, and I'm uncomfortable with the traditional "Happy Memorial Day" greeting that the news and entertainment media have foisted upon the public. However, I do not know what is actually acceptable to use in its place. Are there better forms of greetings for more somber occasions?

GENTLE READER: While it is true that such constructions are used as greetings, you will notice that they are actually good wishes. So Miss Manners agrees that they seem jarring on somber occasions.

For example, one would not wish anyone a happy Yom Kippur; the proper wish is for an easy fast. But in common with "Merry Christmas," that is a kindly hope on behalf of another -- comfort in the former case, and enjoyment in the latter.

How would you wish people to feel on Memorial Day? Respectful, presumably, and perhaps contemplative. But to instruct them to do so would be impertinent. You wouldn't be wishing them well, but ordering them to behave properly, which is not only rudely intrusive but insulting, as it implies that they are not already doing so.

So the only passably fitting use of "Happy Memorial Day" would be to encourage shopkeepers who use it to advertise sales.

Two cautionary notes:

(1) It is unnecessary, and sometimes unwise, to issue holiday-specific wishes to people whose circumstances you do not know. People who do this mean to spread cheer, but that is not the result of, for example, calling out "Happy Father's Day!" to someone whose child is deceased.

(2) Nevertheless, it is also a mistake to take conventional expressions at their surface value. Miss Manners supported you on the Memorial Day matter, but please do not press her about every such remark. It is really tedious when people complain that everyone who says "How do you do?" doesn't want a medical report, and those who begin letters with "Dear" do not hold them particularly dear.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I adopted a wonderful little boy from Russia when he was almost 4 years old; my husband was 46 and I was 42. Since we returned home, we have experienced several occasions where strangers assume our son is our grandson, making comments such as, "You must be proud of your grandson," or "How old is your grandson?"

Whenever we reply along the lines of, "Well, he's actually our son," the other person generally looks flustered and moves on.

Is there a polite way to correct their false assumption without making them feel bad? At first these comments bothered me, but now I take them in stride and try to just appreciate people noticing my wonderful son.

GENTLE READER: If you can really do that, there is no need to correct the nosy assumptions made by strangers. What does it matter what they think?

However, you could consider that it would be doing such people a favor by saving them from future embarrassment. Miss Manners suggests, "Actually, he is really too young to give us grandchildren yet, but we hope he will someday."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)