Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After watching my son's high school musical, my partner and I chatted with various parents. While waiting for him, I unexpectedly saw my friend Jenny, whom I hadn't seen in a while. She has had some difficult times, and I gave her a hug and told her I was glad to see her.

My partner, Lauren, who is better at small talk than I am, spoke to Jenny and they started talking together. I wasn't sure how to participate in the conversation, so I left and chatted with another friend.

When that conversation ended, I went over to see Jenny and Lauren still talking. I stood near Lauren for maybe 30 seconds. I didn't participate in the conversation and remained listening quietly. Jenny then said to Lauren, with me there, "Let's go out and have coffee and talk sometime."

I was not included in the offer. I felt dissed, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to sound petty. I was hurt, though. I wondered if because Jenny is straight, and straight women usually hang out with the female partners of their friends, that it was just a straight woman just not thinking about a female partner. Maybe I am making an excuse.

However, what about Lauren? I was mad that she didn't acknowledge me and bring me into that offer to go out. Such as, "We haven't seen you in a while, Jenny, and we'd love to get together for coffee." I was more annoyed with Lauren. What's your viewpoint on this, and was it best to just say nothing? How should I have handled it?

GENTLE READER: Just as you did. Although Miss Manners concurs that it was rude to not acknowledge your presence -- and Jenny could have waited to extend the invitation to Lauren out of earshot -- the fact that the two wanted to have coffee on their own was not an etiquette transgression. Couples are allowed to separate and have their own friends -- and inviting a couple out together is not a requirement.

Further (in the interest of your own domestic peace), Lauren was not the one issuing the invitation, so the onus wasn't on her to include you. Since it bothered you, however, you could have said cheerfully, "Perhaps while you two are having coffee, your husband and I could get to know one another" -- as long as it was done with (virtually) no implication of threat.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am expecting, and my husband and I have been invited to the wedding of a friend that falls three days before my due date.

Under normal circumstances I wouldn't dream of replying with anything other than a yes or no, but in this case, would it be appropriate to respond that we would be delighted to attend so long as our little one hasn't made his or her appearance yet?

GENTLE READER: All right, this is a justified exception, but Miss Manners cautions you not to make a habit of it. She prohibits "maybe" as a response to a social invitation because it implies that one is holding out for a better offer. In your case, however, no one could dispute that the birth of your baby is at least a more urgent one.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does etiquette say about performers demanding audience participation at rock, folk and children's performances? I understand that this would not happen at the symphony.

I escorted two children to a singer-songwriter's performance, for which we were charged a small fee, and found that the artist was not only asking, but demanding that all of the adults present sing along and do various hand and arm motions at her command. This seemed like a more severe version of what happens at some larger rock venues, when an artist may call out a question, and then demand a louder answer if it is given too softly the first time.

At the children's performance, the problem was exacerbated by the fact that the singer-songwriter made threats to expose anyone who declined to participate.

Does etiquette give an artist such total authority over an audience? Is there a way out for anyone who wishes to sit (or stand, as appropriate) in the back, listening quietly, particularly if one is merely there to accompany young children?

I didn't want to force the children to leave, nor did I want to be singled out for attack by the performer, so I obeyed her commands, but I wonder if Miss Manners could provide me with an alternative if something similar should happen in the future.

GENTLE READER: Do not be too confident that you will not be asked to do this at the symphony. The interactive concept has spread, keeping pace with the decline in general ability to pay quiet attention to others, even those whom one has paid to be of interest.

Whatever the venue, you are not required to participate -- you are the audience, not the performer -- but Miss Manners suggests you attempt to look amused and distracted rather than resentful or sulky. The latter will only encourage the performer to redouble his efforts.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son has started a successful nonprofit and, naturally, I am very proud of him and the work he is doing. At events, many other guests involved in his work will come up to me and tell me how much they admire him and often add, "You must be so proud of him."

To respond, "Yes, I am," sounds to me like I am bragging. On the other hand, I don't want to dismiss the work he is doing or make it seem insignificant. I am very new at this public arena. What is a proper response that recognizes his accomplishments in a humble manner?

GENTLE READER: In the case you mention, it would be odd not to express your pride in your son. What you must avoid is interpreting the guest's statement as an open-ended invitation.

Think back to when your son was a toddler. He charmed the guest who read him a bedtime story when he enthusiastically asked for an encore. By the fourth repetition, the guest was looking longingly at the door.

When invited to praise your own progeny -- be he or she a toddler, a teenager or an adult -- Miss Manners allows one response -- one anecdote, one picture, one comment. And then remember that you have outgrown the days when "Again!" could be forgiven as a developmental stage.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are thrilled to be moving into our first home. Our plan is that this will be the only home purchase in our lifetime.

We would very much like to celebrate once I've had time to get settled in a bit. I was thinking of inviting my closest friends and the nearby neighbors. I figure I can mail invitations to the friends, and simply slip them under the door for the neighbors.

We want for nothing, and want nothing except to celebrate with our friends and meet our neighbors. OK, maybe we want to show off our new home a little.

That is where things may get tricky. I suffer from a serious medical condition that prevents me from being able to share a bed with my husband. We have separate bedrooms, which works for us, and we are still blissfully happy after nearly a decade of marriage.

I don't feel this is anything we need to be ashamed of, and it will be obvious that we have more bedrooms being used than are necessary for a married couple.

What is the best way to address questions about our intimate life that some people feel compelled to ask about? As I stated, we're both happy, but I don't know a proper way to deflect these questions since intimate details frankly aren't anyone's business but our own.

It is important to me to make new friends, so a polite response other than staring at them gaping may be in order. We've all had lapses in judgment and etiquette, and I don't want to judge anyone too harshly over one inappropriate question.

GENTLE READER: Really? That is very open-minded of you. But what good do you imagine will come of friendship with people who begin it by inquiring about your and your husband's sleeping arrangements? Miss Manners would call this a major indicator of trouble ahead.

Time was when couples who could afford it had separate suites, and yet no one asked how it was possible that they also conceived numerous children. If you must include your bedrooms on the house tour, you needn't call them that, but could borrow the old terminology: "This is my boudoir. That is my husband's study."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a prestigious hotel, preparing breakfast for all the guests. When first I started, I was so happy, smiling all the time -- and don't get me wrong. I still love my job and what I do.

The problem is that the people staying here seem so nasty and don't have any manners at all. People who dress well leave the place trashed.

The waffle station is the worst. They want hot food all the time, but the things left inside the container with the lid open are so nasty I am stunned. I would understand from a child, but from adults, it is so gross. What can you tell me?

GENTLE READER: That you are dealing with the public, and to do so sometimes requires a strong stomach.

It also requires a pleasant demeanor, and Miss Manners is pleased to hear that yours comes naturally. Please do not allow it to be dampened by those awful people at the waffle station. That would only make you sadder and deprive them of the chance of being influenced for the better.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)