Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IF IT IS APPROPRIATE TO THANK SOMEONE AFTER THEY HAVE ALLOWED YOU TO YELL AT THEM.

GENTLE READER: YES, BUT IT WOULD BE BETTER TO APOLOGIZE.

Oops, Miss Manners should have waited until that truck went by. She suggests that you turn down the volume for the apology -- and all future occasions, other than alerting people that they are on fire.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I saw one of my good and longtime friends at a party at another friend's house the other day, she informed me that she was not inviting us to her forthcoming get-together. She explained she is cooking fish and that we are vegetarians.

She also informed me that some other common friends were invited. I know that the spouse of one is also a vegetarian, so being vegetarian was not the reason. She also knew that we were busy and would not have been able to come anyway.

I can't understand why she would make a point of telling me that we were not invited. I find this very rude and I am upset. Should I be?

GENTLE READER: Rather than flattered at being told "Nyah, nyah, you're not invited"?

Miss Manners is upset, too, at the emergence of the negative invitation -- often bridal couples telling people they will not be invited to the wedding -- and she doesn't even know your friend.

Nevertheless, she suggests you focus on the larger issues -- that you have not been excluded from anything you could have attended; that your awkward friend presumably does not want you to feel left out -- and ignore the smaller ones: that some carnivores are married to vegetarians; and that guests should not be excluded merely because they cannot eat everything on their plates.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have five grandchildren (two are my daughter's and three are my son's). My oldest grandson is actually a step-grandson, and although he has a good relationship with his biological father and grandparents, he lives full time with my son. He has been my grandson since he was very young and has always called me "Nannie" -- the same as all my other grandchildren.

A friend of mine, who has no grandchildren yet, feels that I am being less than truthful when asked how many grandchildren I have and I answer "five." I feel it is unnecessary to go into a big explanation for a simple, casual inquiry. Who is right?

GENTLE READER: The only thing Miss Manners can find that you are doing wrong is to consider such a heartless busybody a friend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We invited three couples to dinner for our 30th anniversary. Are we obligated to pay the entire bill?

GENTLE READER: You are obligated to notify them in advance whether you are actually inviting them, in which case you do not charge, or offering them an opportunity to buy your company.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I am drinking lemonade or iced tea in a restaurant, sometimes a small lemon seed gets sucked up through the straw into my mouth. I know that one properly removes unwanted items with the utensil that brought it to the mouth, but how could that apply with a straw?

I suppose I could not use the straw, but it seems more sanitary than drinking directly from the glass. So I have been discreetly removing the offending little pip with my fingers, but your image pops up in front of my face, and I get the uneasy feeling it's a no-no.

GENTLE READER: Not as much of a no-no as it would be to shoot the pit out through the straw -- especially with Miss Manners' face right in front of you.

Despite that personal danger, she appreciates your question. Others who have tried to alert her to exceptions to rules seem to believe that etiquette is either callous or gullible. For example, they will dispute a directive to shake hands on the grounds that it would be wrong to expect this of someone who had lost a hand or an arm. (Well, yes, and thanks for pointing that out.) Or they will claim immunity from thanking their benefactors on the grounds that they are too busy, in presumed contrast to those who put time and trouble into pleasing them.

Please forgive Miss Manners from straying so far from your lemonade. It is just that she is tickled to hear of a legitimate exception to a common rule. Right you are: This is a problem she had not contemplated. In her excitement, she gives you her blessing to continue to deposit the pit discreetly into your hand.

However, here is a complication you may not have considered: Suppose the pit gets stuck in the straw, and you are unable to tap it out?

In that case, you have her blessing to ask for a replacement straw.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would appreciate your point of view on when Christmas decorations should begin appearing in residential front yards.

I grew up with an unwritten rule that you do not put anything out until the Friday after Thanksgiving. With holiday creep continually pushing retailers to put Halloween out in August, I am appalled that my neighbors begin their Christmas decorating the first weekend of November.

I want to give them a friendly note to WAIT until a more appropriate time. At this point, I'm subjected to three months, versus two, of their display, and it encroaches on my Thanksgiving. Grrrr!

GENTLE READER: If you growl at your neighbor, who would be likely to growl back, you will have succeeded only in turning the area into a zoo, if not a jungle.

Miss Manners recognizes the problem of creeping holidays, but she also recognizes property rights. And property courtesy, even toward those whose tastes you find troublesome.

If you can find an inoffensive way to say, "Christmas already! My, how time flies," Miss Manners would consider it. But frankly, she does not trust you not to growl.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After watching my son's high school musical, my partner and I chatted with various parents. While waiting for him, I unexpectedly saw my friend Jenny, whom I hadn't seen in a while. She has had some difficult times, and I gave her a hug and told her I was glad to see her.

My partner, Lauren, who is better at small talk than I am, spoke to Jenny and they started talking together. I wasn't sure how to participate in the conversation, so I left and chatted with another friend.

When that conversation ended, I went over to see Jenny and Lauren still talking. I stood near Lauren for maybe 30 seconds. I didn't participate in the conversation and remained listening quietly. Jenny then said to Lauren, with me there, "Let's go out and have coffee and talk sometime."

I was not included in the offer. I felt dissed, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to sound petty. I was hurt, though. I wondered if because Jenny is straight, and straight women usually hang out with the female partners of their friends, that it was just a straight woman just not thinking about a female partner. Maybe I am making an excuse.

However, what about Lauren? I was mad that she didn't acknowledge me and bring me into that offer to go out. Such as, "We haven't seen you in a while, Jenny, and we'd love to get together for coffee." I was more annoyed with Lauren. What's your viewpoint on this, and was it best to just say nothing? How should I have handled it?

GENTLE READER: Just as you did. Although Miss Manners concurs that it was rude to not acknowledge your presence -- and Jenny could have waited to extend the invitation to Lauren out of earshot -- the fact that the two wanted to have coffee on their own was not an etiquette transgression. Couples are allowed to separate and have their own friends -- and inviting a couple out together is not a requirement.

Further (in the interest of your own domestic peace), Lauren was not the one issuing the invitation, so the onus wasn't on her to include you. Since it bothered you, however, you could have said cheerfully, "Perhaps while you two are having coffee, your husband and I could get to know one another" -- as long as it was done with (virtually) no implication of threat.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am expecting, and my husband and I have been invited to the wedding of a friend that falls three days before my due date.

Under normal circumstances I wouldn't dream of replying with anything other than a yes or no, but in this case, would it be appropriate to respond that we would be delighted to attend so long as our little one hasn't made his or her appearance yet?

GENTLE READER: All right, this is a justified exception, but Miss Manners cautions you not to make a habit of it. She prohibits "maybe" as a response to a social invitation because it implies that one is holding out for a better offer. In your case, however, no one could dispute that the birth of your baby is at least a more urgent one.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)